He came home tonight after being at his friends all weekend, I look at him and hold back the tears, its a reminder of all the doubt I have in him..as he sleeps in our room I now sit in the hallway typing this out as tears run down my face struggling between him telling me I'm not putting effort into us by not being next to him, and the overwhelming feeling of sickness of the thought of what he was really up to this weekend. How do I let go or either him or these feelings? If I walk away can I do so and not feel like I ruined my family and took it from our kids? Do I stay for them and ignore what he's done and may still be doing? All these questions constantly fill my head...
I'm trapped within a broken heart </3
A couple of months ago I decided that I simply had to accept that I would never get over the pain and I would never trust him again..end of story. I tried to just accept that that was a fact and carry on. It SO did not work for me! I was in constant pain and was obsessed about whether fWH was doing stuff behind my back. It was agony.
About 2 weeks ago I completely flipped out. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was feeling quite suicidal and it was at that point, literally the lowest point of my life that I realised 2 things: If I am going to stay in this marriage I cannot cling to the pain, I have to let it go, release it. And if I am going to stay in this marriage I have to take a giant leap of faith and decide to trust my husband. I have been working SO hard on those things the last couple of weeks and it has made a HUGE difference to me, to our family and to our marriage. It's still a work-in-progress, I still have wobblies now and then, but I am working on it and I really do believe that, for me, this is working and it's what I need to do to reach some degree of happiness again. I will NEVER forget what happened, and I will still process any thoughts and feelings that come up about the A, but it is time for me to let go. Having said that, I can only contemplate doing these things because my husband is completely remorseful and working very hard at doing the things I need him to do - if he wasn't I wouldn't be at this point.
ETA: I just wanted to add that the trust I am working on having in my fWH is something very different from the blind, naive, unshakeable faith I had in his unconditional love for me and his faithfulness. I now KNOW that he has weaknesses and is flawed and that he will always have the potential to stray. The trust I have now is trust in his intentions right now to be faithful and to work on his flaws. I will always be on the look out for signs of wayward thinking and behaviours etc in the future. But I choose to believe RIGHT NOW that he is CURRENTLY being faithful to me and has the intention to continue to be faithful to me and while he is trying so hard I am happy to give him that trust.
[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 4:11 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I just wanted to add that the trust I am working on having in my fWH is something very different from the blind, naive, unshakeable faith I had in his unconditional love for me and his faithfulness.
For many the trust will never completely return. We continue to struggle because we now have seen it with our own two eyes, our loved ones are capable and willing to betray us. It is not something that happens to someone else anymore, our loved one cheated on us.
Now with all of that being said I do believe that we are capable of trusting again. Maybe not the 100% "you can go to the lake with John Holmes" cause I trust you kinda trust, but trust none the less.
The trust will slowly come back as a result of your WS's actions. Actions are what rebuilds your confidence in the R and your WS, I believe this will lead eventually to the return of trust at some level.
At this point it does not appear that your WS is providing any actions that would help you rebuild any type of trust. The lies, drinking and hanging out with his friends for the weekend are all poor choices when the foundation of your relationship is so badly damaged. Is he in IC? Have you told him that these things he is doing are hurting you?
Trust may come back some day, it will be a long road in the best of scenarios, with a non-committed spouse that road will also be unpaved.
I needed to be sure within myself that I was OK and would not tolerate her behavior anymore. In other words, I could walk and be fine. IMO, make a plan to be able to do that, keep that plan up to date and you will feel a whole lot better.
Regarding you WH. His behavior does not sound like someone whom I would want to be M'd to. He does not tell you the truth, he is not open and conceptually him being gone for a weekend to "work" seem ridiculous.
I don't know your d-day nor your sitch, but read in the healing library here, establish the rules of your M for you H and be ready to enforce those rules if he breaks them.
He says he loves me but makes stupid choices whenever things get bad between us, he turns to drinking to drown out the pain then looks to them for comfort
Has your WH done the necessary work on himself? Has he learned new coping skills? Is he still liable to make stupid choices when things get *bad* between you? Does he still drink to 'run away' from his issues?
If you walk away, it will be because you can no longer tolerate the way that your WH is treating you. By feeling as if you will *ruin* the family if your choice is to leave you are allowing yourself to be held hostage.
Being trusted is not a "right" that a person is entitled to, it is a privilege. You extended your trust to your WH and he abused it. Now he has to earn it back....and it sounds as if he's doing a pretty poor job of it.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.