After a year and a half of hell...then divorce, slow healing, and the long process of this all, I feel like I'm doing great. And really, now as I reflect, I see the marriage was over several years ago when I'm honest with myself.
I ended up meeting a wonderful man in...of all places...a divorce/seperation support group I joined about a year and a half ago. He was also dealing with infidelity, although their break was not as contentious and 'ugly" as ours. We became friends, and talked and talked and talked some more...given our backgrounds we had a common bond. After about a year, it evolved into something more. He's nine years older, and yet we have a lot in common and make each other laugh and he is such a gentle, kind, caring person. He opened my eyes!
My current...conundrum...is whether it is right to have him meet my kids. They do know he exists, but I've been quite protective about having him around them. I feel very confident about us, and he has three (older) kids of his own and seems to be a great dad so I know he would be great with them. My two boys (9 and 6) ask to meet him, which sort of surprises me.
He and his ex have put their house on the market, have lived apart since I met him, share joint custody of the kids, are seeing a mediator because of some very complicated asset division matters...but have not yet filed the divorce papers. He talks about how it's a piece of paper and they are waiting on the mediators. I know that's true, and it's a mountain of dealing with some business matters they shared, etc...but still...
I don't want to pressure him AT ALL so I don't talk about it. It's clear they are completely done. But there is this part of me that wonders if I should wait, to have him meet my kids, until those papers are filed and/or the divorce is final.
I guess my guard will always be up because of the past, to some extent. And definitely when it comes to my kids.
I haven't met his kids. He says he wants me to, but I am hesitant right now because their mother has been diagnosed with possible MS and I just don't think it's the right time to throw this on three teenagers who are probably reeling from that news...
And...my EXWH recently moved across the country for a new job. He's such an ass, but that's a whole different topic. So, our DS's have been abandoned again from their dad, although he claims he's going to fly out once per month to see them. Which I doubt... The boys seem to be doing okay...but still, it breaks my heart for them.
And on a selfish note, it has meant that I have almost no free time to myself. So, another reason I am considering having them meet SO, so we can all hang out together and I don't feel like I'm sneaking around. But perhaps that is being selfish.
So...anyone have any thoughts or similar experiences? I trust this person and truly care for him. Is it too soon...or am I just being guarded? I want to do what is best for my kids...
[This message edited by NWfleur at 12:22 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]
Your kids are still young. I'd keep them out of your relationship with this guy for now. In fact, they shouldn't even know this guy exists yet, much less be able to ask about meeting him.
When I was in the midst of my D, and hating my philandering xWH, and demonizing him for what a complete and utter worthless fuck up he is, still, in the back of my mind .... so I think a pending D is not D no matter how many try to sell it as so.
I get that in some states you have to have a signed property settlement agreement *before* a judge will grant a divorce, but if the D isn't a contentious arguing over assets then it's not that complicated. I'm a little confused as to why you're saying his D process isn't ugly when it sounds like they are having trouble agreeing on things.
Idk, I think the limits placed on your time with this guy are still a good protector for you and you should take advantage of that and just let things roll on for a bit.
I'm sorry for your kids about their dad. I'm sure that's heightened everyone's sense of loss and maybe making all of you think in terms of speeding up on your SO front attractive.
Honestly, stories like yours disturb me. My STBX is a prowler, looking for his next victim. When I read your tale it occurs to me that your guy could be my STBX. Please do yourself a favor and verify all information this man tells you.
But thank you for your honesty. While I don't think he's a predator...looking for a victim...I think it's better to wait. What's the rush, really. And if the divorce doesn't roll along in the next month or two, now that we have been getting more serious, I'll will probably gently let him know I'd like to put things on hold until that happens. We've been involved romantically for six months, btw.
It's no easy matter, starting over at 40. I don't know what I'm doing at all. So, thanks for your insights. I've had enough relationships and feel I am a well educated and worldly enough person that I don't intuitively feel any red flags in terms of him being a creep, and I have "checked into him" enough to feel pretty secure, but I DO think it's more a case of needing to wait out his tangled divorce situation before involving kids. Actually, I think part of the reason their divorce has gone slow is BECAUSE of his kids. Their kids come first, which I see as a good thing as mine do too. He coaches their teams, teaching skiing with his older boy, and keeps joint custody even though for now he has to have them in a tiny condo.
Maybe we need to slow down a bit. Until it's all finalized on his end and the dust has settled.
[This message edited by NWfleur at 12:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]