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sil asking if I saw post re egg donars death advice?

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sullymeishadomi posted 6/3/2013 05:10 AM

I thought this was all done and I had walked away?

Nope she sends me a fb msg do I have fotos off egg donar she I could scan for her. No. I have one that one of my aunts gave me and I dont have a computer to scan.

Could I take a photo and text her? DidI see the fb msg about egg donars death?

I can go two ways. Text the photo and ignor the second comment or I can politely explain:

Yes, I saw the fb msg. Since she and I have not spoken in 20 plus yrs I chose to stay quiet

I understand and respect you and your kids think she was wonderful, but as a parent she was horrendous.

She quit being a parent when I was 9 or 10. The older I got the more responsibilities I had.

She stole my babysitting money so she and your husband could eat; so she had nodoz and cigarettes. My sister and I had to steal or rely on friends to

Age 14 she fed us hotdogs if we ate at all...but she would cook her cheater boyfriend steak

Age 15/16 I paid utilities and food. She paid rent

Age 18 she dumped us in the hastings hotel in hollywood and left me to support two younger siblings while she went to live with a man

About age 16 I was also expected to play mommy to her as well as my siblings.

She was very needy.

I get she had a bad childhood. As an adult, a person has control over how they live their lives. I know I do, and I have worked hard to change what I call bad habits.

Even as a parent we make mistakes. You apologise. Try to make ammends. My dad did just that. With my dad, as an adult child, I knew he loved me. I never felt that from egg donar.she never told me she loved me. IN fact she told sis and I she never wanted girls qnd if it werent for your husband she would have left.

I know kids are a challange. They can be a pain in the tush. Having my own kids made it worse in my view toward egg donar. I look at my short people with wonder and amazement. I may threaten to sell them on ebay when they act up or do something boneheaded but my kids totally rock my world.

Yes, I saw the post. I had chosen to stay quiet out of respect for you and your kids. The only thing I can say is Im sorry for your loss and a I hope she didnt suffer

. (********

What do you think? Which way should I go. I honestly want to point out the fact she went crickets when my dad died. He was the better person of the two. He got he made mistakes. He apologised and explained. Egg donar was always needy; always me me me. Why not show him equal consideration?

authenticnow posted 6/3/2013 05:22 AM


I'm sorry for your shitty childhood. Everybody deserves two parents to make them feel safe and loved.

As far as your sister, you can simply write back, "Yes, I saw it and no I don't have any photos." And then stop engaging.

You don't have to explain anything to her. She knows anyway, she is just choosing to deal with it in a different way. That is her right. If you feel like you want to get it all out to her, then go ahead. Just be prepared to get sucked into the drama of it all, and think about whether or not you need that, whether or not it will be healthy for you.

If you need to process it, need to get it all out, then do it here. Or better yet, work through it in IC, because I personally believe that in order to heal it is necessary to work through childhood trauma with a professional.

sullymeishadomi posted 6/3/2013 05:36 AM

Thanks An...I had just left my think place and thought: my goal is not to be a drama llama (love that term) as she was and how I have been for sooo long. Its the big thing Ive worked on changing. So from there I thought send her the foto as she asked and leave it at that. If she asks again I will just say Im sorry for your loss.

Im sure sis said something to her yrs ago. Im not going into it. Llama no drama.

authenticnow posted 6/3/2013 05:49 AM

Good for you, Sully. That sounds like a good plan.

Holly-Isis posted 6/3/2013 06:53 AM

I agree with AN's suggestion.

I too have a mom I have been NC with for years. Most of my siblings are willing to put up with her crap in exchange for some validation here and there.

Once upon a time I used to think I'd regret not reaching out, but once I had kids I knew that wasn't the case. We have started new with THIS generation and their kids can have the grandma I wish they had.

My DD asks about her now and then, she can't even imagine a mommy that doesn't love on her kids. It used to make me sad to answer her questions (age appropriately) but now I just focus on the fact that I have given her the gift of seeing a mom that loves and focuses on her kids.

Keep the drama to a minimum because sibs that refuse to see a neglectful/abusive parent for what they are will not hear what you say anyhow. The anger, pain and rejection need to be vented elsewhere and I think it's good you came here.

sullymeishadomi posted 6/3/2013 11:49 AM

Thank you, Holly.

This is my sil. She only knows what she has seen and what my sibs have told her.

My brother was the favored one so he doesnt have the same view as I.

My sis was the one who was molested by everyone of egg donars men (except one bc at age 14 sis knew how to run and fight). Sis chose to reconcile because a) IC suggested she should b) she did it bc I wouldnt

I am NC with my sibs both due to my sisters behavior. No issue with drama there. Im sure Im seen as a bitch for not crying a tear but I dont care.

ArkLaMiss posted 6/3/2013 21:40 PM

What they think doesn't matter. I think you should ignore. They all know, her included, why you have no relationship. Jmo.

persevere posted 6/3/2013 21:52 PM

I was NC with my mom for years due to her behavior, and honestly, it was minimal compared to what you and your siblings have dealt with. I think you stay true to yourself - if you want to send the pic, send it, if you don't, just say you saw it and no, you have no pics. YOU are completely in control here sully, and that's how it should be. I'm so sorry you had to indure all of that as a child - it wasn't right. But your NC was and is right for you. ((Hugs))

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