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I need my mom.. should i tell her

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melamber posted 6/3/2013 06:21 AM

I'm in two mind to whether I should open up and tell my mom about WH EA.
We are very close and more like best friends. She knows something is up. I've managed to get away with telling her me and WH are going through a rough patch.
She the only other person in my life who as an understanding of what I'm going through.
My Moms 2nd marriage ended due to her WS having an PA with her best mate. He left to be with the OW and had a child together.
I think she could help me to "heal", but I know this could also be a terrible thing to do.
My mom thinks the sun shines out my WS a**e (which is hard at times to hear now I know his a lier and cheater), so this could damage their relationship, making it harder for us all in the future and to be a family.
I have a feeling she wouldn't talk to him again because of how she talks about general cheaters.
My WH says its up to me if I want to tell her, but he would want to be there to say sorry to her for destroying her only daughter. And tell her he know his lucky for another chance and will not blow it.
He also feels if we tell one side of the family we need to tell the other.Only fair!!
This fills me with dread. My MIL is hard work. She's the type of person who's nice to your face but badmouths you as soon as you leave the room. I've sat and listened to her do this with all her children and in laws, even grandchildren at times.
But she wont let anyone badmouth or believe a bad word against her kids.
An example.. when my BIL/her son empted the joint bank account and disappeared for 2 wks(not the 1st time) leaving his wife and 2 kids with nothing, it wasn't his fault at all but all hers and the kids.
So I know how telling her would go down... all my fault, and I don't think I could handle it.
So then i go back to just keep your mouth shut. Then i have that feeling of I want and need my mom

LadyQ posted 6/3/2013 06:29 AM

I'm not much help here. I didn't tell my parents until after I had decided to divorce. I told them we were in marriage counseling, but not the specifics. My mom is very judgemental I didn't think I could handle any "I told you so"s or other comments if I had chosen to stay in the marriage.

CryingGreenEyes posted 6/3/2013 07:25 AM

I told my Mom almost immediately. My Mom had been there, done that... and I knew that regardless of whether I chose to stay or leave the marriage, she would remain supportive and non-judgmental. I knew that true-to-form, she would be my rock and voice of reason on unreasonable days and she really has been. I'm glad I told her, because she helped me through some of my darkest hours and days.

The only caution I ever offer to anyone dealing with whether to tell others is this.... tell only those who will be supportive of your decisions whether you D or R. You don't need anyone chirping in your ear telling you to leave... or inversely, telling you to stay if you want out. So, chose who you tell wisely, but Mom's are almost always a good bet. She will quietly hate him for what he's done, but she'll love you enough to allow you to sort through this on your own. HUGS

P.S. Telling his family is on him, but I think considering his MIL, if he wants to tell them, he needs to do it with you there and be held to the absolute truth. He needs to own this and stress to them that you in no way are to blame for his selfishness... and ask them to be supportive of both of you working through this. I have dealt with a difficult MIL.

[This message edited by CryingGreenEyes at 7:28 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

undonelife posted 6/3/2013 07:38 AM

I told mine. She is my rock when I'm in a tough spot. I knew she would forgive him if I decided to stay with WH. I needed her input & prayers. She's been around 72 years & has a Lot of wisdom. If she is your beastie & you know she can handle it tell her.

hardtimesinlife posted 6/3/2013 07:50 AM

It should be your choice to tell your mom and you should be able to tell her alone if you choose. Also, if you don't want your mother-in-law knowing then why is your H trying to push that on you? It doesn't sound like he is giving you the choice, really. He says yes, you can tell your mom but if you do he wants to be there. Yes, you can tell your mom but if you do then your MIL gets to know, too. That makes the telling much more stressful for you.

getting_stronger posted 6/3/2013 09:40 AM

I told my mom. Of course, right now she is angry and pissed at him, but I know she wants the best for me, and for him. She'll eventually get over it. She just doesn't want to see me hurt. She has been down this road before.

confused615 posted 6/3/2013 09:50 AM

WH thinks it's "only fair" to tell his family if yours knows?

Um..why? Who said anything about infidelity and the fallout is fair?

No. If you want to tell your mom and you need her support..tell her.

If MIL will not be supportive,and will use this as gossip or whatever,then there is NO reason to tell her. It will not be helpful or will make it harder,and R is hard enough.

I wonder...surely he is aware of how is mother is and how she will react...maybe he is saying his family has to be told if you tell your mom,as a way to manipulate you into not telling your mom?

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:50 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

WildRose posted 6/3/2013 09:57 AM

I don't think it's fair for your WH to hold such expectations over you, regarding telling your mom. Who gave him the right to tell you that you can only tell your mom if you guys also tell his side of the family? You can't treat healing a broken heart like you would treat family visits for the holidays - "your parents get some time, my parents get some time." That doesn't make sense, this isn't Christmas we're talking about, it's a matter of a hurting heart.

I also don't see why he needs to be there during your conversation with your mom. As the person who has done the wrong, he makes an awful lot of demands. If he wants to apologize to her that's fine, but he should also give you two some time alone to talk.

It's not fair for him to indirectly isolate you from the emotional support you could receive from your mom. Remember, HE is the transgressor here and YOU are the injured party. As such, you have every right to reach out for support to someone you trust, someone you know has enough discretion not to gossip about you or talk bad behind your back.

Being able to get the emotional support you need should not come at the required cost of adding new hurt to the situation, in the form of judgement from your in laws. I feel like because he hurt you, your WH's attitude should be that he wants you to have anything you need to heal, and he doesn't want to add to your pain in any way.

My situation is not the same as yours, but I have only told one person, someone I trust completely, and even with her I haven't told nearly everything. It makes total sense to be cautious of who you tell, and to want to know for certain that anyone you do confide in will have the discretion not to go talking about your private matters with others behind your back.

I hope you talk to your mom and get the support you need, and I hope things improve for you! Hugs!

Brokenpetal posted 6/3/2013 09:58 AM

I didn't tell my mom at first. 1) I didn't want to burden her, she's very loving and caring and my parents have been like parents to my WH since day one (foo issues w/him). Also, divorce was pretty much non existent on that side of my family until my brother D a few years ago (not infidelity related) and it broke her heart. My parents have been married over 45 years, my grandparents were married 70 years, aunts and uncles all still married. I really am inexperienced when it comes to divorce and marital problems. 2) I was also worried about my WH relationship with my parents if we divorce. However, I needn't have worried--I told my mom about a year and some change after first Dday, when I had another Dday. She sat and listened and cried and said, "so what do you want to do? I will support anything you do. And I will not cause a scene, or any trouble." She basically told me if I wanted her to hate him, she would. And if I wanted her to forgive him, she would. She would do whatever I needed her to do to help ME. It was the best thing I did, telling her. We are close, she lives nearby, and if I have a bad day or a fight with WH I can just go over there and talk, get a hug, whatever, just be. These past few months have been difficult, my marriage has taken a turn for the worse, I've been back and forth so many times about what to do, and she has been my rock. Also, she stops by often to make sure I'm taking care of myself, helps with my daughter, tries to get me out of the house. I just couldn't imagine where I would be emotionally if I had continued to keep this a secret from her. plus, if we get D, my parents will continue to be civil with him for the kids. They are still in contact with my brothers XW (my bro is fine with this) for the kids. They go there for bday parties, etc.
wow, after typing that all out, I am crying. I really do have great parents, I am lucky. Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on the blessings I have in my life instead of all that's gone wrong.
Melamber, I don't know what to do about your mil. I don't really have a mil. WH is estranged from is bio mom, has a step mom that he's kinda close too. He really only even has a relationship with his dad because of his step mom. He told her near the beginning, he called her himself (they live in another state). This was when he wanted R and was desperate and called her for advice. Although I found out later the A hadn't stopped then either. I don't know what he's told her since. I don't think she would ever shun me, but I don't feel it's my place to talk to her about it. We just aren't that close.
Anyway, I would encourage you to talk to your mom. My wanting to "protect" my mom was misplaced. Our parents are supposed to be there for us, to help and guide and comfort us. I would do the same for my kids.... Besides, it's just to heavy a burden to carry on your own. Good luck, and hugs....

crazynot posted 6/3/2013 10:01 AM

Yes, tell your Mum. Mine was there for me a million percent, and I could not have got through the last four years (financially or emotionally) without her amazing, over-and-above support. She passed away on April 9th, far too early, and I miss her beyond words. It was a huge sadness to her that my husband cheated on me, but she came through amazingly for me and my kids. She was there on the end of the phone for me every day, in the bad times and then rooting for me every step of the way as I slowly pulled out of the darkness and into a new life. Tell her.

musiclovingmom posted 6/3/2013 10:18 AM

I was worried about telling my mother. The weight of keeping a secret from her finally weighed more than any reaction she could have had and I told her. It was such a huge relief to me. We don't talk about it a lot. I didn't tell my dad - and neither did she. We certainly did NOT tell my H's mother. He even thinks her drama would NOT help us. If you want to tell your mom, tell her. I made sure my mom knew that I was making informed decisions (not just emotional) and gave specific examples of the work my H is doing to ensure that our relationship is safe and exclusive. That helped her see not just the bad, but also the good and allowed the two of them to maintain a good relationship.

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