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Really bad weekend

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Guttedagain posted 6/3/2013 06:35 AM

Had a bad weekend, it was my youngest daughters dancing display on fri and sat so lots of family and having to act normal. Family don't know as both sides of our family have more than enough to worry about just now. It really hit home what there is to lose and made it even harder for me to understand why my WH would risk everything. I had a bit of a melt down yesterday WH is trying hard and did help me through yesterday. His own pain and remorse was so visible. This is a nightmare experience and part of me thinks i am torturing myself by going over and over his betrayal. i think for my own sanity I realise I have reached a point where I need to accept what has happened and decide how i now wish to move forward. Again, I could feel differently tomorrow.

cayc posted 6/3/2013 07:18 AM

I know some take the path of not telling family, but one way that a WH can show remorse is being fully honest about himself/herself in front of everyone, not just their BS.

Ge gentle with yourself. Don't issue yourself ultimatums like you need to accept/move forward. That's the BS version of rugsweeping and it won't help you heal. Only time and introspection will do that. And only time, introspection on the WS's part and an outward change in behavior will heal the M. It's a processed that cannot be rushed how ever much you want things to go back to normal.


Guttedagain posted 6/3/2013 08:13 AM

Thanks, i understand what you are saying. We both decided not to tell our families. My FIL is terminally ill which is something that has devastated us. It seems ironic now but we have always been a really close family. Both of us, our children and the rest of his family are struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis. I haven't told mine as I don't think i could take the sympathy or judgements if i decide to try for R. My WH appears remorseful, is prepared to work on himself and we are both in counselling. I have no intention of rug sweeping but realise that I'm torturing myself with going over the whys, what ifs and buts. It feels like i have now talked to death the affairs and the details of them. The blame lies with him and he needs to sort it, I will bide my time for a while to see how it pans out. Being realistic, it has happened and I'm heartbroken but don't want to spend each day torturing myself and dwelling on what can't be undone. Only my WS actions can save my marriage and help me heal so i will continue to watch the change and continue to monitor his email, phone etc and continue to take one day at a time. I do also realise that this is a nightmare rollercoaster and tomorrow i could feel differently.

1Faith posted 6/3/2013 18:13 PM


You are still in shock. This is all still very new for you. It takes TIME. There is no other way.

You have to get through it, not around it.

You will read here and other places that it takes 2.5 to 5 years to heal from this devastating news.

You have been hurt and betrayed. This is more that your mind and heart can absorb.

Please look up the Timeline for healing on this forum. It will help put in context that you are going to vacillate all over the place with your feelings. ALL OVER THE PLACE... and it is completely normal.

My opinion is you won't ever fully accept that your husband chose to cheat. It is inconceivable.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel everything you feel. Happy, sad, angry, deflated, hopeful, scared, etc. You can't fast track your healing.

I hope you are in IC and taking care of yourself. Don't burden yourself by trying to heal alone. The loss of the innocence of your marriage is too great to navigate alone.

If not family, a close friend you can trust. You need love and support from others right now. Your husband can't be your only source of comfort because he is the source of the greatest pain you've ever know.

One day at a time. You will make it through. You will.


bestbecameworst posted 6/3/2013 18:31 PM


Guttedagain posted 6/4/2013 05:29 AM

Thank you everyone for your support. I have had a look at the timeline and it fills me with dread that through no fault of my own i will be enduring this for years and the doubts will always be there. Is the timeline the same regardless of reconciliation or is it quicker if you can accept it's a dealbreaker and attempt to move on with life.

1Faith posted 6/4/2013 07:14 AM

You state through no fault of my own...

It is NOT your fault at all. You are just dealing with the ongoing "gifts" of your H poor choices.

The timeline is a guideline. Everyone heals at their own rate/pace.

I am not an expert but I don't think it really matters if you decide to stay or go. You still have to deal with the aftermath of infidelity.

I posted it to give everyone context that it is normal to grieve for some time.

I too wanted to be stronger than "this" - I though once I decided to stay I could manage my feelings. WRONG for me. As soon as the shock wore off, the despair came, the despair ended and the anger came.

Not to say their weren't good times in there bc there were/are but I had to learn to let myself feel what I was feeling. It was my mind and body's way of truly healing.

Just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Breathe.

We are rooting for you.

cliffside posted 6/4/2013 08:23 AM

Hugs to you...

You said you are very close to your family. So am I. At first I thought I could keep it to myself, then I started having MASSIVE anxiety attacks because keeping it to myself actually meant LYING to my Mom. Lying about where I was when I was in IC, LYING about why I had lost weight, etc., etc. I finally broke down and told my sister and my Mother. It has made a world of difference. They are supporting me in whatever I choose. A shit storm of crap has come out about my WH childhood and they have been very supportive of him too.

I have young kids so I now have someone I can call and say "I'm having a bad day, can you watch the kids?".

And as far as should you stay or go, I read somewhere that one way to look at it is to "stay for today". You're so early in the process so how can you really know what you will feel in six months?

I'm four months out and this is what I have told my WH. If in six months I am filled with so much rage and anger then forget it. AND if I see one iota of that self centered asshole you were before and during the A, I'm outta here!

Lastly, have you seen an IC? I found medication to be very helpful with sleep and my anxiety. Keep reading others stories on here, it will help.

Guttedagain posted 6/4/2013 08:47 AM

Thanks, just one day at a time it is. I need to accept that this is going to be a long road and at the end i may or may not still be in my marriage. It's on days like this that i feel so full of anger. Anger that my WH couldn't keep it in his trousers and now risks losing everything which ironically he is now trying so hard to hold on to.

cliffside posted 6/4/2013 08:58 AM

Anger that my WH couldn't keep it in his trousers and now risks losing everything which ironically he is now trying so hard to hold on to.

I can not tell you how many times I have had this EXACT same thought/feeling.

1Faith posted 6/4/2013 09:14 AM

If you’re in a difficult season in your marriage and you start to think, “How can I take another month, year 10 or 20 or, God forbid, 30 years of this?”

You’re asking God to give you the grace for something that hasn’t happened.

Instead, break it down to a single unit — a single day: “Just focus on this: Can I love my husband/wife for this day?” Don’t think about ten years down the road, or even ten months! Can you love your spouse for this one day?

Some friends who knew I was running a Marathon asked me, “How did you do that for twenty-six miles?” My answer? “One mile at a time.”

How do you stay married for twenty-six years? One day at a time.

Break it down. Focus on the here and now. Put the future in God’s hands. Some miles will seem easy, and some will feel hard, but you need to focus only on the ones you’re currently running. Let the others remain in His care.

Can you love your spouse for this one day?

Good luck and keep posting. We are all here for you.

(((many hugs)))

Guttedagain posted 6/4/2013 09:20 AM

Thank goodness for SI and for all your support. It does help to know that other people have the same feelings. Initially I felt absolutely devastated and couldn't stop crying but the last few weeks have swung between anger and tears and both combined.

Guttedagain posted 6/4/2013 09:25 AM

Thanks 1Faith

It is an easier way to look at it and at the moment I have decided to take it one day at a time.

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