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NC and I'm ok

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juki posted 6/3/2013 07:15 AM

I'm relieved, and sad and rejected, and optimistic, and scared, and excited to be free, all at the same time.

I cycle through those emotions constantly. I let them out and then I seem to move on the next one.

I highly recommend Why Does He Do That. I'm listening to it while I'm working, and it's keeping me motivated and in "reality" (he is an abuser, not conflicted or whatever).

Back to listening and working.

Hope you're all having a peaceful morning.

itainteasy posted 6/3/2013 07:49 AM

Glad you're ok, Juki. ((((((((hugs)))))))))

juki posted 6/3/2013 08:52 AM

Thanks for the hugs.

I'm trying to think of someone who can stay in the apt/shop while I'm gone.

Saz wondered if it would get broken into while I was away.

Glad he gave me warning of what he's thinking!

Threat and control all in one statement.

nowiknow23 posted 6/3/2013 10:59 AM

Threat and control all in one statement.

Juki - I am sure you already know this, but the most dangerous time for the spouse/partner of an abuser is when they are leaving. Please keep your eyes open, your shields up, and if you can, avoid being alone. There is every possibility he will escalate as your departure approaches.

Be safe.

juki posted 6/3/2013 11:13 AM

I know. I'm as safe as I can be in the apt. I'm doing everything the book says, including telling the police he's abusive and that I'm leaving.

He knows that everyone knows. I am not keeping this a secret. I'm not telling people who wouldn't be supportive, but I am telling those who are.

I think he'll be most focused now on trying to discredit me, to save his image.

He'll try to make me look crazy, irrational, whatever.

juki posted 6/3/2013 11:32 AM

He emails that he loves me and that he's sorry, so I sent him a link to an abusive men's program in our area.

Hell will freeze before he goes.

Reality posted 6/3/2013 13:09 PM

I was thinking about your situation all weekend. I'm so glad you are taking steps to be away.

Juki, please pay attention to what nowiknow said:

Juki - I am sure you already know this, but the most dangerous time for the spouse/partner of an abuser is when they are leaving. Please keep your eyes open, your shields up, and if you can, avoid being alone. There is every possibility he will escalate as your departure approaches.

Yes, yes, yes!

Also this from you:

I think he'll be most focused now on trying to discredit me, to save his image.

He'll try to make me look crazy, irrational, whatever.

That is completely the truth. He will. I read his posts. He is so immersed in his own justifications and "being conflicted" that his whole operational manual is going to center on continuing to making this about him.

At your expense. Again. My ex spent the first six months after I made him leave staging a crusade to try to prove all of our issues were my fault - and this was even after he'd attacked my mother. What I mean is that there won't be logic, or reason, or anything REAL to what he says - only that to survive in the role he's crafted for himself, he will use you. He will continue to treat you like expendable resources to keep his reality "stable."

Whatever promises he's making to be fair to you, to tell the truth - please be careful.

I'm not trying to scare you, only to give you forewarning. One of the most traumatic parts about trying to find safety was fighting unexpected obstacles my ex put there as he tried to systematically ruin all my support structure. He didn't think of it that way - he just thought he was trying to tell people "his side of the story."

His priority will be HIM. Please be your own advocate.

I'm so, so, sorry.

[This message edited by Reality at 6:57 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

juki posted 6/3/2013 18:59 PM

Thanks. Youre not scaring me anymore than I already am. I'm expecting the worst.

I've detached from everything that he will take away, like the car.

My few friends that are supporting me are all I care about. If he tells the world I am nuts, I don't care ATM.

I'm just looking after myself.

I got a lot done today.

My friend fed me tonight. Was amazing to eat real food! I don't have a stove in the apt.

I picked up a bunch of stuff from the house tonight while he was gone.

The energy in our house is like a funeral home. It felt horrible.

My son is texting me right now. I hate this. He is destroying everything, not just me.

For what? I wish I knew, but I don't think there's an answer, just madness or fear or resentment and contempt. Yuck.

I'm always positive, I worked hard, was a good wife, good mom. I don't know how I ended up with this life.

I got through today. I can get through tomorrow!

nowiknow23 posted 6/3/2013 19:12 PM

I got through today. I can get through tomorrow!
Absolutely! (((((juki)))))

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/3/2013 23:07 PM


thebighurt posted 6/4/2013 02:02 AM


All those emotions are valid and it sounds as if 'scared' is the one most important to pay attention to right now. Being scared, or fear, heightens awareness, which is what you need. I really feel for your situation. Two friends who know psychology told me shortly after DDay that xpos is controlling but I didn't believe them.

I know what you mean by the energy in the house. I can feel it around xpos and also can now pick out others like him by the way they make me feel in only a few minutes of being exposed to the negativity, anger, etc. they exude.

I also read Why Does He Do That and it convinced me that xpos was controlling our whole relationship. Not in the way you are experiencing, but controlling in the mentally and emotionally abusive way.

It took skimming and reading quite a bit before I recognized him, but, once I did, I went back and read it thoroughly, highlighting things that resonated. The book is now close to 2/3 highlighted.

It made me feel ill to read what the violently controlling ones (like yours?) do to the ones they profess to 'love'. I was sure that wasn't xpos, but some of the things he has done since make me wonder if he hasn't escalated.

Stay safe. Hugs. I'm glad you have those friends.

juki posted 6/4/2013 05:50 AM

Thank you. This forum truly is a life-saver.

That book was amazing for me. It made me realize that even though it didn't escalate until recently, he has been abusive for a very long time.

He was mentally and emotionally abusive, but when that stopped working on me, he escalated. It was subtle before, and in fact, it counted on ME basically abusing MYSELF by doing/not doing things that he wouldn't approve of. It's when my self-moderation/abuse went out the window that he didn't know how to control me anymore, and chose outright abuse, verbally, and then implied physical, and finally physical that didn't leave marks. I don't need a photo to let me know what would have come next.

I think I'm going to listen to the book again. I love audio books - I can get stuff done at the same time!

He's avoiding our son now, even more than he was before, out of guilt I imagine.

He is comfortable living in shame. "I'm a bad person so I deserve this" and his thought process stops there. He is punishing himself so we should all forgive him. I was trying to figure out why he wrote everything on the forum, it wasn't pressure from me. I was already in the apt. I think he wanted the punishment. It makes him feel better, absolved, like confession. He's not catholic...

It's a strange place, the abuser's head, but I'm getting a better understanding of it.

I'm still unsure what's going on with my sister's condition. My other sister should be letting me know soon if there is any progress in the treatment. I'm getting as much done as I can in the meantime.

Saz is still claiming to love me and to be sorry.

He throws "sorry" around like a frisbee.

He needs to get into an effective treatment program, not therapy - he just manipulates them. He needs to tell his boss, he needs to tell our son, and he needs to be able to do the work for a very long time, without contact with me. Without a guarantee that there will even be an "us" again. He needs to do it regardless, for him and for our son, so our son can respect his father, and not end up even remotely like him. But of course, that's up to him.

I'm regaining my personal equilibrium and clarity. I'm doing good, focusing on me.

I'm not tortured or in despair and I'm actually enjoying my days. I am sad for him and "us" and mad that he did this to us, but it's not stopping me from doing the things that will get me where *I* want to be. At peace.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what makes me happy, and I'm focusing on doing the things that will get me there.

FinallyHappy posted 6/5/2013 09:15 AM

Are you okay?


hobbeskat posted 8/14/2013 06:56 AM

Hi Juki, been wondering how you are?

juki posted 8/14/2013 07:44 AM

Hey! Thanks for asking.

I'm good.

I posted about a month ago about Saz finding our daughter. Not sure if you caught that.

We have all been in contact with her daily since then. She is on the west coast (where I was until a week before finding her), while we are on the east coast.

My entire family, including our son is there as well. She has met my mom a couple of times, and our son once. So far, everything is going great!

She told me when she saw my mom for the first time, she said "there you are", like she had known her all along. They both told me separately that they felt a bond instantly. Her and our son look like twins, and she said that the 2 hours she was with him were the most normal 2 hours she's ever had. He's away up north most of the time, so they text regularly. They like the same music, have the same philosophy, both like solo travel, outdoors, the similarities just go on and on.

I was planning on going there when my BIL was ready to bring my sister's ashes to our home town, but that won't be happening until next year now.

Our daughter is now planning on coming here end Sept. She is also a solo road-tripper! We are planning on taking my old VW van to Boston. I am so excited.

We text everyday, and talk on the phone a couple times per week. She is so much like me, it is spooky. I basically couldn't stop crying the first couple times I talked to her, but now we laugh constantly.

My van has been thoroughly checked over, I've turned the interior into a 70's gypsy pad, and I'm going on a one-week "test trip" to Vermont on Friday, just me and the mutt.

I am back in the house with Saz for now because of a lease technicality wrt a rental property we just sold. I was "evicted" from my apt so they had somewhere to go so we could sell. They have found another place so I can move back now, but I'm ok in the house as long as Saz keeps his shit together. She will be staying in the house, so I might as well stay if things are going smoothly.

We are not "together".

We are becoming friends, which is good.

Can you tell I'm super happy???

ETA: this could not have happened at a better time for my mom (and the whole family) wrt my sister's death.

[This message edited by juki at 7:46 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

juki posted 8/14/2013 08:08 AM

Saz has a LONG way to go still, just to find himself and be a happy person.

He does still have "growing pains" wrt ownership/control issues regarding me.

I tell him what's what, leave him alone, and he comes to his senses. He knows that he has done so much damage, that all I can offer him is friendship.

He wants me to stay, even though I have no feelings for him at the moment.

He still struggles with coming to terms with what started this whole thing, and that is his journey to take, or not.

He wanted me to go to a meet and greet at his bosses house this week. I asked him if he was really ready for me to be telling (his)people our news about our daughter, and he realized that he expected me to not mention it, because he doesn't want his peers to ask WHY she was even put up for adoption. He's not ready to divulge that yet. Meanwhile, at my shop, all of my regulars know, they are excited about it, and can't wait to meet her!

Someone would ask me how many kids I have, and I will not lie.

I'm not going obviously. I refuse to suppress her existence EVER again!

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