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...you married someone devoid of sympathy, empathy, compassion, and could never place you truly first even for a moment in your time of need. Go back to the "What Every WS Needs To Know," thread (can't remember where it is). If he/she has had an excuse for a year and a half about why they can't do those things, then makes you feel dumb and insane for wanting them, you have a remorseless spouse. If they are worried how those things will take away from "who they are," you have a remorseless spouse. If they continue to say that all they are doing to telling you the "reality" of it all because trying is too much emotional work and the mess they created is too much to deal with on top of everyday life, screw it. Run for your life.

Here's the post -
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

TCD - I think you might be getting sick of my hugs, but every time you post, I feel like wrapping you in a huge hug. I see a lot of strength in your recent posts. Hang on to that - it will serve you very well over the coming months.

(((((TCD)))))

Thank you, NIK. I'll take all the hugs I can get. It's sad to think that someone you never met has more feelings for you than the person who you thought you would grow old with. I stupidly engaged to much yesterday but I think where things have really changed for me is not feeling like I'm the worthless one. Or that there is something wrong with me that I can't be loved. I really see him for what he is. Unfortunately he can't and won't see himself.

Big hugs to you! I feel your pain here. I too believed it would work out even after all of the lying and cheating. When you do not have a remorseful spouse it just isn't going to happen. I waited five years and now that I asked him to leave he HATES me because I needed more for myself.

Peace and hugs to you! You will get past this and you will be better off!

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! exactly

I think where things have really changed for me is not feeling like I'm the worthless one. Or that there is something wrong with me that I can't be loved. I really see him for what he is.

AMEN and HALLELUJAH! Oh, TCD - you just made my damn day.

What is also sad and infuriating is that he doesn't see it as him being remorseless, but him holding his ground when what HE has decided what I really need to heal doesn't work and that I'm asking for too much. He even admitted last night that he gets NC but needing updates through out the day is too much and unnecessary and that if I get upset if he promised once an hour and it's been two that my mind starts racing...that he shouldn't be comforting and supportive. You did this to me, jackass.

that I'm asking for too much.

= remorseless and no hope for that person to be in a marriage with a BS.

You did this to me, jackass.

Exactly. Chances are you will still be blamed for their actions and choices.

He has this ability to make everything about me or him to fit his needs to get what he wants. Example, if I wanted him to update me when he was at work. First, he would beat down my idea from what I would need to feel safe to the bare minimum of what he would offer. Then if I felt unsafe because of something he did or didn't do, he will say I'm making it all about me and what about him and how he can't focus on everything at once. And he'll make it about him when his actions have consequences and he thinks that is unfair. Well, if you treat me in a hurtful and mean way, I will be hurt! Then he'll expect me to forgive him and let him try again. But because he didn't do anything remorseful for his actions and I'm still hurt, then HE isn't getting what he needs.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 9:36 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]

I know this is tough, but I'm so happy that you "see" him now. You aren't being manipulated by his games, and that's a HUGE step..

I wish I could tell you why or how to make him change this behavior. You will probably spend lots of time trying to sort out all this crap, figuring out what the lies are, realizing why he is lying, remembering lies, remembering gaslights and blameshifts.. I did this for a while to try to get my head on straight. It's tough when they are constantly throwing crap in your ear, and you are constantly having to step back and "see" it for what it really is..

But in my experience, with time, you won't even care to figure out the why anymore. You can't change anything even if you do figure something out. Try to stay no contact on this kind of stuff, no engaging, no arguing, no trying to correct him..

I think he will try even HARDER to bring you down when he sees you detaching, so crickets and eye rolls is my best advice for dealing with an emotionally abusive spouse..

You know the truth. I bet he knows the truth, too, but he's playing a game, so time to take your ball and go home.. Let him play with himself as you aren't interested in the mind fucks anymore..

Big hugs..

I can so relate. I remember my own aha moment(s) well.

He actually told me I was punishing him with my pain. I was just.... stunned. It was almost as if I saw the machinations in his head. Just a little sneaky mouse running on a wonky treadmill.

Too broken. Just too damn broken.

((TCD))

That's what it is like now. Every time he opens his mouth it's just like, "wow...do you realize how horrible you sound as the perpetrator talking to the victim like that?" And of course he says everyone agrees with him. But now I know better for the future. Which is sad because we click on so many other levels. But those are in NO WAY a reason to stay with someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive. That matters more than if you agree on politics.

Ugh. Got home 10 minutes ago from DD's private hockey lesson. Still sitting in the truck with the kids. Luckily the baby is sleeping and it's pouring out so I have an excuse to sit here. Really I just don't want to be near him. I don't want to see his face. It's like I'm walking into my own torture chamber. I hope he doesn't think I'm making enough dinner for him. I probably stupidly folded his clothes this morning. I didn't want to. But if I left them for him it would never get done and would just sit on the chair. Damn it! Rain has slowed and the kids need to eat. Guess I need to enter hell right now.

OK! This may sound weird, but CONGRATULATIONS on finally having that clarity. It is a big milestone. You made it to here on your journey to peace and healing. It's like hiking to the top of the mountain and you just walked up and saw the sign that said "Elevation 5280 feet".

Here you are! Take a deep breath. Fill your lungs. Scream if you have to. That echo is the rest of us screaming with you! Know you are well on your way to getting "There" where you are free of that narcissistic jerk.

Oh, and (((hugs))) too. It is hard. But you are gonna be fine, one step at a time.

Like I said above, I realized how this is all him and that his issues are not a reflection of me. The last few days I haven't had a moment of feeling worthless. I remember why and how I felt that way. But any sadness is really for the situation at hand. I feel pretty damn good about myself (except letting him treat me like this for so long). The "ugh" feeling is just knowing I have no chance for rest because I can't be NC at the moment. I know I'm going to breakdown when it comes to the kids though.

What everyone has that I don't is years ahead of you. Try looking back at 35 yrs of excuses, false reconciliations, mc, holding it all together while he cheats. I'm in ic got Flimsy excuses when i thought he was unfaithful over the years up until 10 mo ago, that he basically cheated our entire life. I'm now 63 and feel used up. (Emotionally) I know now my gut was right on every time

Gr8 - this hasn't only been since dday that he has been treating me like this. It's been 15 years (still not as long as you but it isn't just the last year and a half). The difference is that I believed back then that he hadn't done anything so "serious" to me so I could always move on. In reality, if this was how he really was and really thought it as ok to treat me, then it should have been over a long time ago. Doesn't matter if everything else about us was compatible. Verbal and emotional abuse is NOT OK. You mentioned your age, but I think there are certain things we have over each other. You have so much to look forward to that I don't. I have 3 young children to raise that will take up my time, money, and attention for many many years to come. You are probably past that. This is why we need to better ourselves. And realize how fucked up they are and how lucky we are, no matter when, to get away. You aren't dead until you're dead.