Hi all, I'm new here but I've been reading many posts, articles and such for a while. It's been so incredibly helpful and made me feel so much more normal. Thank you all for creating this site, and sharing. What a comfort and a resource.
I'm feeling at a crossroads in my heart, and while I know no one else can just straight up tell me what to do, any advice, experiences, or words of wisdom you have to share would be appreciated. I'm so very much in need of advice. I realize this post may be long, so if you want to know some back story about my relationship, read the whole post. If you don't want to read so much (cause I know it's long, I'm sorry), I'll make a bulleted list of summary points at the end, and you're welcome to offer advice based on that list alone.
I don't know a lot of the abbreviations very well yet, so bear with me as I type everything out like a newbie!
I'm the betrayed partner. My fiance and I have been together about a year and a half. The discovery happened in July. The nature of his betrayal was that he was all over the internet having cybersex with people, creating and posting pictures/videos of himself, interacting with people on those kinds of websites. There were people he interacted with on a regular basis but it was all sexual, not emotional, and while he teased those people about getting together in person he says it never happened. I found it by accident while borrowing his computer, he was in the room with me. It was a total shock. We have such an amazing relationship, and he's such a good person and an amazing partner, I would never expect betrayal like that from him. It shook me to my core.
When discovery happened, he broke down and said he thought he might be addicted to porn/cybersex. He says, has always said since discovery, that the cheating happened only online. I have no way to know if he's telling the truth, and have no way to find out. So for the time being, I've chosen to believe him about it all being online. But, the thought that there could have been more frightens me. He went to one counseling session with me, and a couple SA meetings, and then told me that the addiction was a manifestation of something he lacked in himself many years ago, and although he has matured up out of that lacking, for some reason the "bad habit" of the online behavior stuck around. So ultimately he felt all he had to do was walk away from the bad behavior cold turkey, and it was out of his life. He doesn't feel he needs any additional counseling or support meetings. He said he didn't have much in common with the other addicts at SA.
It would have broken us up, for sure, except that immediately after that discovery (like, within days), I had a major medical emergency and he helped me through it. My medical crisis and recovery in total took up about 10-12 weeks worth of time. (I'm totally ok now, physically and all.) I have never had someone be as supportive of me as he was during that time. I was so grateful for his help and support, which was definitely needed. I don't know how I would have made it through all that without him, he was solid as a rock and supported me like no one else could have. After all that was over, I didn't have the heart to leave him, so I cautiously decided to stay for the time being. We agreed to at least try to talk about things and see if we could work them out. He begged me to stay with him, actually, and I reluctantly agreed.
He has expressed loads of remorse and has said all the words a person in my position would want to hear, not that it always falls on receptive ears. It's hard for me to believe anything he says. I've been through a lot of emotions since discovery. First I was numb and cold, for quite a long time. Then many other things, sad, hurt, angry as hell, irritable over every little thing. I'm haunted by doubt and fear. He has been a picture of total patience, love, gentleness, support, through anything I've experienced. But, it's not always easy for me to be comforted by him, no matter how he tries, since he is the one who caused the pain in the first place.
The biggest struggle of all this isn't the sexual side, but the issue of trust. For a long time I've kept saying "I don't know if I can forgive what you did." But recently, I have come to realize I CAN forgive the sexual interaction with other people. What I'm not sure about, is all the deceit. The web of lies, there were SO MANY lies and I have discovered them over time. Every time a new one comes out, it brings all the hurt back again. We did have that "tell everything" talk many months ago, but he couldn't remember every lie he had told me because there had been so many. So when new ones come out, he says it's not that he meant to exclude that from the "tell everything" talk, but simply that he had forgotten telling me that particular lie. Consistently finding new lies means consistent blows to my spirit, and sometimes I wonder how much more I can take.
Walking away from the relationship would be a no-brainer for me, if it were any relationship other than this one. He is such a great partner to me, we have that relationship everyone is jealous of. We make each other so happy just by being ourselves. He's my best friend. All of my family loves him (and they are HARD to please), all my friends love him, and his family and friends love me as well. We fit together so well, it's uncanny. I would never have believed there was such a well suited match for me as this guy, before I met him. Needless to say, if I separate the rest of the relationship from the cheating, this is the best relationship of my life by miles and miles. But I can't pretend the cheating didn't happen, and it's put such a damper on my spirit that for months I haven't felt like myself. Lately, though, over the past few weeks, I've been feeling a tiny bit of hope that maybe the life we planned together really could happen. I've been thinking maybe we can move past this, maybe I can forgive. I've been looking at wedding dresses again. I've been feeling like a girl again, you know? Feeling that way, even for a little while, is a huge step for me.
Then Friday night, we were on the phone, and I asked him a question, and he lied to me. It was a tiny, trivial thing. I brought up something I had asked him to do, and he quickly told me he'd been working on it even though I knew for a fact he hadn't. I was actually bringing it up to tell him it was ok he hadn't done it yet, and I would do it instead!!! But before I got the words out, he lied to me about it. When I called him on it, he refused to acknowledge the lie, kept saying he really had done it, kept saying he wasn't trying to mislead me even though I knew for a fact he was. Finally, he admitted he hadn't done what he said he did. But somehow persisted in saying he wasn't trying to mislead me. Which makes NO sense. We argued about it for two hours! It was so strange, and so upsetting.
I told him I needed the weekend alone to think. I don't think he really "gets" how upset I am, and he might be surprised if he knew I'm thinking of walking away. But back when everything happened, we discussed honesty. The agreement was total transparency. And now he has lied to me, and the fact that it was tiny and trivial doesn't make it less a lie.
He texted me and apologized, profusely, and Saturday he left a flower outside my office door. Other than that, he hasn't made contact, because he's respecting the fact that I wanted the weekend alone to think. But now, I'm going to see him tonight, and I'm feeling the pressure to make a decision. Do I walk away over this? I love this man. I thought we had a future together. But everything else being perfect, how can I stay with him if I can't trust him to tell me the truth??
Please, any advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling so lost. I don't know how to tell if this is a sign I need to cut and run.
Here's a summary of my situation:
-DDay was in July of 2012, his cheating took place online in the form of lots of cybersex
-We have such an amazing relationship, I was completely shocked by the betrayal, and decided to stay long enough to figure out if the relationship is salvageable.
-He walked away from the bad behavior cold turkey. He went to one counseling session and a couple SA meetings before deciding he didn't have an online sex addiction after all, although he may have been "addicted" several years ago, he doesn't think he is now. He has made every effort to avoid temptation that I can see, and online sex is no longer a part of his life.
-He is, by far, the best partner I have ever had. That's the only reason I've stayed. To me, whether or not the relationship will work out is unsure. But I love him.
-Friday, he lied to me about something trivial, and by pure luck I caught him in it. It took two hours to get him to admit the lie!
-We've been apart all weekend (by my request), but I'm seeing him tonight. I don't know whether I should break up with him or not, based on this NEW lie.
-Does this NEW lie mean he is going to be someone who lies to me forever? Does it mean I should break up with him? Does it mean he hasn't changed as much as I thought, or that he is simply untrustworthy as a person?
-Am I just signing myself up for years of misery if I stay at this point, given that he has lied to me again?
What was your experience like, with the lying? Did they stop lying to you completely all at once, or did they have to learn not to lie over time? If you stayed with a liar, was it worth it? Did they learn? If you stayed with a liar, did it result in further heartache?
For any wayward individual who is recovered now, and healthy - did you behave this way with your significant other at first? Did you lie about trivial things? What do you think it means?
Anything anyone wants to share is welcome. And thanks so much for reading my (long) first post on this site.