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What Would You Do?

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jrc1963 posted 6/3/2013 09:28 AM

I'll post this here, because even tho my DS's father is not the man who cheated on me... we are sharing custody of our son.

I send my perfectly healthy son to visit his dad for the weekend and he comes back sick and sunburned from too much time in the pool with no sunscreen and no shirt and no shade.

I mean come on... He goes to his dad's for 2.5 days and comes home crispy.

DS is 11, almost 12, and tho I think he's should be responsible enough to put on sunscreen, he is still a kid and the grown-ups (his dad, dad's girlfriend, and my mother (his grandmother)) ought to know better!!!

I'm so

itainteasy posted 6/3/2013 09:34 AM

I would be furious! Yes, your DS should know that he should have sunscreen on, but he's still a KID. The ADULTS failed him on this. Big time.

I would have a chat with his dad about sun exposure/too much pool time, etc. And God help me if he replied with "it's just a little sun" or something jackassy like that. It's NOT just a little sun. it's A LOT of sun, and most skin cancers come onto us as a result of the sun exposure we had as kids/teens/young adults.

It's a health and safety issue, and his father should have known better. I don't know how long DS's dad's girlfriend has been around, if she's comfortable being an authoritiy figure for your son...if yes, she should have known better and took care of it. at the very least she should have said "shouldn't DS have sunblock? or a shirt?"

And your mom should have known better as well. Although she may not have wanted to look like she was interfering with DS's dad's parenting.

So, ultimately, DS's father is responsible, and should have known better.


Sorry if that was a rambly..I hope it made sense.

jrc1963 posted 6/3/2013 10:20 AM

It made perfect sense...

My mother and I do not have a relationship at this time... but my ex still thinks it's important for DS to know his grandma... My mother is the pushiest person I know. So why she kept her mouth shut is beyond me.

Ex's Girlfriend has been around long enough...

When my son came home GLOWING last night I texted Ex and asked WTF were you thinking... He said he didn't think it had been that bad....

Well, I guess when you turn off the lights and can still see your kids skin glowing and you don't think it's "too bad" then you're a major moron.

PS: This isn't the first time he's come home sunburned.

I'm about to murder someone.

neverbeokay posted 6/3/2013 10:20 AM

Having just come home from yet another surgery at the dermatologist, it makes me very angry that your child is not being protected against something that has such potential downside in the future.

I'm all for each parent being responsible for kid's needs during their visitation time but in this case I would make sure to send sunblock with your son the next time he visits his dad, some for his face and also the kind that you can spray on so that worst case scenario he can even do his back by himself. I would stress to him how important it is to use sunscreen when swimming.

I would also mention to his father, "Son had a great time at the pool but was pretty sunburned, I have given him some sunscreen you can use to help prevent that". He might be more likely to cooperate if you mention it in a nonconfrontational way (even though you want to smack him). Just try to think of what is best for your son.

Nature_Girl posted 6/3/2013 10:21 AM

I'd take that kid to the pediatrician to A) document the burn and B) give the kid a talking to about skin cancer and so forth. THEN I'd lay into the ex about what an irresponsible jackass he was.

lieshurt posted 6/3/2013 10:32 AM

I would take my son back over there, so they could all see just how badly burned he is. I would then confirm with each of them that they understand the severity of the situation and that they will not allow it to happen again.

Of course, I probably wouldn't be as tactful as you would be, but then again, am I ever?

jrc1963 posted 6/3/2013 10:35 AM

Tact is not in my bag of tricks, unfortunately...

I've already kinda blown the whole "non-confrontational" thing... since I pretty much called him a dumbass in text.

Ashland13 posted 6/3/2013 13:36 PM

Something similar has happened for DD here, too. She came home with a huge, huge gash on her elbow and knees and neither she nor her father let me know about it. Usuall she's almost proud and shoves a scratch in my face. It must have been a really bad fall and probably not being closely watched, or doing too much, whatever...

I let him know I saw it and put in my notes for L, and esp. that I was not told. This is three times this week I've gotten "Oh, my mistake" from Perv and he thinks they are just okay.

Then DD got sick last night and I got these messages demanding to informa him of her progress and actually giving me directions. Gag.

I work at summer camp and I remember this one little boy, maybe 6-7 years old, a red head. Really, really red with the freckles and very white complexion. I mentioned to every single counselor and the day camp director to be sure that little boy gets sunscreen. I even mentioned it to the kitchen staff and handed the director a bottle of sunscreen!! I squirted some in the kid's hand (we are not allowed to put it on, the kids have to and be monitored doing it) and I sent him to a counselor...

Do you know, no one gave any more all day to the boy to put on? Well, this kid's parents are pets of the camp owners and it hit the fan the next day. Yes, JR, he was crsip as tomatoes and had trouble walking around the next day.

Somehow it got through to the owners that Ash tried to communicate the need.

FWIW, I got sun poisoning in the spring and found a really neat product in a drugstore, where it's basically straight aloe but in a bottle. I am going to show it to the camp owners, FWIW, but wanted to mention it here as it was the only thing I could stand touching my skin for about three weeks.

I'm sorry for the extra problems with your ExH and have trouble understanding why more problems have to come.

jrc1963 posted 6/3/2013 19:39 PM

Jackass just texted to find out how DS was feeling.

I said "He's glowing in the dark. How do you think he's feeling?"

Grrrrrr

stronggirl72 posted 6/3/2013 19:55 PM

Oh, yes...my DS ALSO came home this weekend with a sunburn. He is just old enough to advocate for himself, but is pretty much afraid to speak his mind to his dad and ask him to not just put the spray on his ears, but also his back (duh, stbx). I just wanted to cry when I saw his back last night, so I totally know how you're feeling.

I did (miraculously) keep my mouth shut to STBX, but had another talk with DS today about the dangers of not using sunscreen on all exposed skin and provided him with some modeling on how to talk effectively to his dad without 'risking' anything.

I know exactly how you're feeling!

Dreamboat posted 6/3/2013 20:23 PM

I agree that it was your X's responsibility to make sure he wore sun screen.

Given that did not happen and you cannot guarantee that it will happen in the future (and there is nothing you can do or say to make it happen), you need to arm your DS with the knowledge and power to use sunscreen himself. While he is still suffering from the burn, take him and buy some spray on sunscreen. Tell him that if he does not want to suffer in the future then it is HIS job to make sure it is applied. And then the next time he goes on visitation, give him the sun screen and tell him to use it. And then text your X a friendly reminder to tell DS to put on his sunscreen.

My advise would different if your DS was 6 or 8. But at 12 you need to empower him to take care of himself when he is around people who will not take care of him properly.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/3/2013 20:33 PM

I third what NBOk and Dreamboat suggested.

Have LilJrc take sunscreen lotion/spray with him and apply it himself.....since his dad is apparently clueless.

jrc1963 posted 6/3/2013 20:34 PM

I have been talking to DS about sunscreen and wearing a shirt...

I wouldn't text his stupid father.. I would text him directly.

Nature_Girl posted 6/3/2013 20:34 PM

I'd show the kids graphic pictures of skin cancer. Seriously. They're old enough to know.

StrongerOne posted 6/3/2013 20:43 PM

Get him a rash guard shirt. -- the stretchy kind surfers wear. They're a bit pricey, but very effective. Will cover his neck, chest, back, and upper arms.

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