In the last 15 minutes of our time together, I asked my C to please try to help me understand how my H - "the good guy" who swore he would never do this - could make such a terrible decision and initiate and carry on an A.
While she could not comment on him directly bc she is not treating him and she knows only what I have told her, she explained in her experience that people who chose to have an A are broken and have been broken for some time. If not dealt with, this will surely come to light at some crucial time in the relationship.
In our case, we allowed our relationship to get weak. We stopped talking, reacted to most things and were not being proactive, nor were we talking about how we were feeling. We allowed space for another person to enter. But it was his decision to break our vows.
She said that my H's cheating likely has more to do with the fact that his dad cheated. The A was my H's way of saying, "Watch me temp fate. See how I can touch the fire and walk away? Let me show you Dad, how I master this w/o effing up my family like you did."
She said - let's say your dad died was an avid skydiver but one day, he died doing it. You will either avoid sky diving altogether or you will test your own fate by running towards it. You will want to master it. And you will think that you have complete control over the situation at hand - but you don't. In fact, you have less control over yourself then ever before.
This made sense to me, especially bc my H wasn't looking to get out of our M. It was about sex. He was angry at his dad and his wife at the time for biz reasons, and ironically enough, he got caught kissing her at his Dad's house. When I asked, "why on EARTH would you kiss her at your dad's house?!", he said he didn't know. But I do.
Short of having sex with her there, it was the ultimate, F-U Dad. I am going to do this right under your nose. I have it all under control.
Anyway, I found this very helpful. She said, you can apply this to anything - ie: your mom was an alcoholic, you either run in the complete opposite direction and never touch the stuff, or you start drinking and believe that YOU are going to be different. You can handle it. Not gonna get me!
Then the A was discovered. The gig was up. The chute didn't open. Reality sucks. But it was time to wake up and face a very messy situation.