You've found a great place to talk this through.
I'm not excusing her or what she did. But, because I love her and can't imagine a life without her...
In an effort to help you try and gain perspective, I have to say that it feels to me like you ARE making excuses for her BECAUSE you love her and don't want a life without her.
I have to work past it.
Gently, SHE has to work past it. With you. FOR you. She has to help mend your mind and heart. This isn't something that you can eventually run far enough away from.
You're not supposed to just get over it. That foundation of trust is gone, as you know from past experience. Until she digs out the real "whys" and/or "hows", how are you ever going to feel safe.
Yes, it sounds like you had issues in your relationship. That doesn't explain why someone chooses to betray their partner. Issues are cause for unhappiness, not cheating.
I want you to be truly happy and feel truly safe in your core. I think this comes with her doing a lot of introspection and work, not just saying "I'm really, super sorry and it will never happen again."
I do hope it works out for you two. I just don't want to see you trying to bite the bullet and carry around your broken heart in a box for the rest of your life.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:59 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 1:03 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]
I'M ON THE FENCE
friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.
Sounds like you are really doing the best you can. The triggers are bad, they suck you down. Has she really dealt with all the issues that brought her to this? To do feel that this still needs work? It is good that you caught this before an actual affair happened. I can tell you that pain is unbearable, but that doesn't minimize your hurt.
I am so sorry that this has entered your life. Have strength.
And at month 4, which is where I think that you are, my trust was starting to come back, things were getting much better, and I was almost pursuaded that we would make it. The mind movies were getting less. The intrusive thoughts were starting to quiet down. Now, we are doing very, very well. Still problems, of course. My DDay anniversary is next Saturday. He just got pulled over for DUI and that triggered the HELL out of me. But we're handling it. We're moving forward. We're taking what comes, learning from it, and helping each other to heal.
Would I have chosen for him to screw someone else? No. Decidedly not. Would I want to go back to living the way we were living 1.5 years ago? HELL no. Do I wish we had "got it" without having to work through infidelity? HELL yes. But what's happened, has happened. We're both stronger people. We're both more honest people. I've re-discovered my strength. He's re-discovered his connection to me. We're both re-discovering each other.
Keep on talking. It's when you quit talking, that you have problems.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Thanks for replying to my message. But I'd like to ask you a question.
Do you ever feel like a fool for staying? Not because they aren't trying, or you aren't trying, or anything like that. Just foolish because they humiliated you and yet you stay? My best friend totally betrayed me and yet I still want to be best friends. I sometimes just really feel like a weak idiot. Do you ever feel that?
I would have felt like a fool if I had seen what I had seen and did nothing about it.
I would have felt like a fool if I had crumpled at his feet and begged him to stay.
I would have felt like a fool if I had allowed him to waffle instead of making an immediate decision.
I would have felt like a fool if I had felt like I had to "save" him from his pain.
I would have felt like a fool if I had let him get away without IC and MC
Those are the only reasons that I would have felt like a fool. If I had not discovered inner strength and come to know, deep down in my soul, that if necessary, I could have walked away, then, I would have felt like a food. (((hugs)))