"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Thorston posted 6/3/2013 12:59 PM

I have been gone from the house for 3 weeks (in house seperation since December) and in NC. We have emailed a couple of times, but only for "official" reasons, no plesantries. I am getting to the end of my rope and want an answer from her on where she stands as far as we go. Either we move on with our lives, in which case I think I need to get the rest of my stuff out of the house now and pretend like she never existed in my life and never have contact with her again about anything. Or, she needs to end it with him now and try to save our marriage. I am sick of having my life on hold still while she has a grand time in unicorn land.

When I left, I never told her how long I would give her, and she never told me how long she wanted. She promissed to read Not Just Friends, which i bought initally for myself, and she has read 8 pages in 3 weeks. (i took it back so i can read it again). She also had said that she intends to look at our life togther over the past 8 years and try to see if she was indeed happy. She has not done either of these things.

What really made me angry, and this may seem like a small thing to some, is she blocked me from a shared calendar that she had. To me this was a huge FU and a move backwards not forwards for us.

She is going to a new councellor, or at least I think she is, so I had some hope there.

Do I tell her that I need an answer now? Do I email her and say I need one in a week. Do I just file and let her find out once she is served? Do I tell her that I am filing? Do I file and then tell her?

This is really bugging me today because I met someone over the weekend that I really liked. I did not persue it (didn't even ask her name) though because I don't want to ever get into a situation where I have to choose between the woman I have loved for 8 years who cheated on me and I had a home and life with vs someone who may or may not be someone that want to be with. And I never want to date someone and tell them "Sorry, I'm going back to my wife" I know that I should not probobly be getting involved with anyone new, and I am not actively trying to find someone. But what if I do.

I just really don't know what to do, but I need forward motion in my life.

Ashland13 posted 6/3/2013 13:22 PM

I'm really sorry, Thorston.

FWIW, I did some very similar things as you are doing, with trying to be patient and "give space".

My gut reaction to your writings about WW"s actions don't make me feel warm and fuzzy, rather concerned that her actions are not M related. But that's just me and maybe more SI'ers will have somethings to say.

My other reaction is to find it really interesting that you've met someone yourself. Maybe that's a sign that it's time to move along in your life and find out what's out there for you?

The actions your WW is doing lend themselves to further separating from you and to me a calander type of thing is another cut-off or type of creating further distance, rather than working toward M.

I found that I struggled horrible when I realized what I had to do (file) and saying anything to Perv about things I inteded just kind of shot me in the foot.

What's hard for me is I am an open-book person, there is nothing covert about me and I am being forced to learn it and very quickly.

Your WW sounds like she's being covert as well, and that never bodes well for communication, which is needed for M, in my humble opinion.

I am of the same thinking, in that I won't touch another "relationship" in my current physical condition (pregnant and stranded by Perv) and I won't even touch a dating site until D is long over, no matter how lonesome or "needy" I feel.

I don't think it's worth it, esp. considering the damaging things he's already trying to do and already accused me of that can be proven and simply are not true.

I also find small comfort in being alone, because I realize that I can! Though I miss some things about a "relationship", I'm so damaged by Perv that I can't even fathom attempting it, though I have felt my head turn once in a great while out in public (lol).

I wish you well, I wish you luck and I wish you peace in your search for answers. There doesn't seem to be a physical time limit, except for what our hearts and minds can handle/tolerate and I'm also glad to read that you have those standards.

Again, I don't think I would tell her anything you intend to do, but perhaps interviewing a few lawyers would be something active and some information to collect.

If you demand an answer and put a time limit on it, my experience is that it will be likely to backfire.

I think its up to you to tell her if you decide to file. I told Perv I was "considering it", so he could know that I was pretty done being a doormat or fence post.

It sounds kind of like you might be ready for d. But it's not easy to face and I'm sorry.

I hope anything I wrote helped.

TrustGone posted 6/3/2013 16:10 PM

I think that 3wks is more than enough time for her to decide what she wants to do about your marriage. You have been going through this since December from what I read. That's 6months too long now. She obviously does not want to R or you would have established that when you were living together. You can not R with someone you are in NC and seperated from. Also getting involved with someone else right now is not a good idea. BTDT when divorcing XWH#1, now I have a WH#2 to deal with. Jumped out of the frying pan right into the oven so to speak. I now wished I had gotten to know myself before I tried to know someone else. Good Luck!!!

SBB posted 6/3/2013 16:34 PM

There's a great line from an Evanessence song that someone has as their tagline here:

"Pack up your things, I've made up your mind".

She is cake-eating friend. Most likely keeping you on the side as a plan B whilst exploring other options.

Close the bakery.

Talk to your L - if you own the house leaving it could cause you all sorts of bother in the future.

Thorston posted 6/3/2013 16:36 PM

Just to clarify, I have no plans on getting involved with anyone right now. But with that being said, I also didn't think 9 months ago I would be here either.

newnormal posted 6/3/2013 16:53 PM

One thing I wished I had done differently is file at the 6 month point. It would have either knocked him of the fence or 2x4 me over the head to move on.

And great call about waiting to date! But rock on - when you are ready, the ladies will be all over you!

suckstobeme posted 6/3/2013 17:01 PM

I'm so sorry. I was in your exact position two years ago and that limbo period was pure torture.

From what I can gather, she is not interested in R. She is either afraid to pull the trigger or she's too lazy. It's not that she wants to work on the M or she would be doing that already. She would be bending over backwards to make you see that she is worth another chance. Not the other way around.

Trust me, the longer you wait to force her hand, the more awful this will get. Why give her all the control? What do you want? If you want the marriage to work, but she is showing no intention of making that happen, it's pretty much all over. You can't R alone my friend, and waiting for her to get off her ass and decide whether she wants you anymore is bullshit. It's hurtful and cruel and she deserves no consideration at this point. You are her husband, not the consolation prize!

Seriously, I know you have hope, but none of her actions give you any reason to foster that hope. My ex did the same. I still have a hard time believing he could e so mean, cowardly and cruel, but he was. He put his happiness above everyone else's, including his wife of fifteen years and his very young children. He didn't care and, I'm sorry to say, neither does she.

I won't comment much about the issue of what to do if you meet someone else. That's a non issue. If you met someone now, it would be a doomed relationship from the get go. Just a few months ago you were never expecting an end to your marriage. Like most of us, this blindsided you, so there is no way you'll be in a place to start fresh with someone new. Get yourself healed and grieve the right way without anyone else getting in the middle.

Don't let this abuse go on. Not one more minute.

dday3302011 posted 6/3/2013 17:18 PM

I'm very sorry you are here Thorston, and I hate to read that you are being treated so poorly.

You have need to believe your wife, as if she has your best interests in mind. She doesn't, at all. She constantly lies to you and is being incredibly cruel to you as far as putting you in limbo. "I'm not sure what I want, I need time", is an unremorseful wayward's dream scenario. Actually the dreamy part is where you say "OK", and she gets to be with the OM while you wait in the wings in case it doesn't work out with him, or until she convinces you that the two of you never really loved each other and that the two of them have something unique and special so that she doesn't end up looking like the bad girl.

Gently here because I know how awful you feel and how hard all of this is, but when are you going to stand up for yourself? What further proof do you need from her that she doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings?

Please Thorston, put yourself first. Be good to you. Treat yourself with respect.

Good luck and be well.

[This message edited by dday3302011 at 5:18 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

Loyalty2Liberty posted 6/3/2013 17:19 PM

Letting *her* decide whether she wants to R based on whether *she* was happy? And giving her time and space to think about it?

No, you had your answer when she said she needed to think about it, and now again with he calendar thing.

"Time to think" is remorseless speak for "cake eating", and in that language "space" means "fallback option".

Remorseful waywards tend to be feverishly convicted in their certainty, and from what I've seen nosing around the R forum here, I think there is also a high incidence of being obnoxiously, desparately clingy out of panic at the fear of losing the marriage.

gma56 posted 6/3/2013 17:30 PM

You've been in house separated for 6 mo and now out of the house for 3 wks. Time to knock her ass off the fence or at least find out she's not in it at all. File for divorce. There's no reason to stay in limbo. You offered her the gift of R with your terms that YOU need to heal from her actions. She's not doing a damn thing so make the first move. She may not be filing because she doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in everyone's eyes but the truth hurts.
She will either step up and do the work
OR
Get an attorney.
A bit of advice: It's not fair to any woman when you haven't closed the door on WW.
Hugs and this shit is hard !
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 6:40 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

persevere posted 6/3/2013 21:26 PM

She will either step up and do the work
OR
Get an attorney.

Ditto GMA - but either way - at least you finally have a direction, which I promise you is SO much better than the limbo. ((Hugs)) Keep posting Thorston.

Thorston posted 6/4/2013 12:47 PM

Do I tell her I am filing, just file?

Undefinabl3 posted 6/4/2013 13:29 PM

I just really don't know what to do, but I need forward motion in my life.

The worst thing a BS can do is give the WS the power over the direction and pace of the relationship after the DDay.

You want forward motion - it's on you. WS doesnt want to keep up? There's your answer.

I would say that a lot of WS's out there actually get 'high' on knowing that they have their BS pining over them. It's part of that need to know that they are needed. That the WS is desired and fawned over. The problem with that is though that the BS ends up unknowingly and unwittingly 'feeds the beast'.

Do I tell her I am filing, just file?

That really depends on your mental status.

If you still care even a little and think that filing would push her out of the fog - tell her. Be prepared though for the ugly WS to rear its head after. You are standing up for yourself and unremoresful WS's don't like that.

If you are solid in your choice and her decision after that fact is not going to sway your choice (ie, this is a dealbreaker no matter how much she changes after the fact)....then just file and move on.

Another option is to give her a choice.

Have the papers written up, get a copy. Then write up your own list of requirements for her to R with you and tell her to pick - give her 24 hours - no more. Then after that give her another oh...week maybe 2 depending on your requirements.

Thorston posted 6/5/2013 11:37 AM

I do still care and would like to try to save our marriage, (if that is possible at this point) but so far, she has given me no indications that she wants to. I have my doubts that filing would push her out of the fog at this point. I think the woman I loved will be lost in the fog forever and will never find her way back out of it.

dmari posted 6/5/2013 11:46 AM

You don't need to tell her anything (regarding filing) ~ you need to put all that focus on YOU. Do what is right for YOU. Take care of YOU.

Most, if not all, of us here have wanted to save our marriage. BUT it takes 2 people to do that. DON'T put YOUR life on hold for one more minute. YOU are in control of your life. Do what is in YOUR best interests.

callmecrazy posted 6/5/2013 15:21 PM

If you are okay financially if she gets mad and goes hostile and holds up money/possessions etc., just file.
When you file, you will see some true colors over the weeks that follow. Watch and let it unfold...dont buy into the arguments and drama, especially if she instantly is all tears and love yous. Those have to stick and not be instant then gone because she's mistaking you for the same guy she's been manipulating to do what she wants for so long. Be the new you, the you who cares about yourself and the you that insists she treat you like a proper wife should. The you that isnt going to let her cake eat YOUR life away. Stay away and let the L handle things. If she really changes, she will be constant and she will be changed and you will notice.

Best of luck and hugs...the filing w a hope is hard, just remember even if the hope is R, at this point you have solid terms as to what R is and don't settle for less. You deserve better.

7yrsflushed posted 6/5/2013 15:35 PM

I think the woman I loved will be lost in the fog forever and will never find her way back out of it.

The woman you loved disappeared the minute she had an A. That person is long gone, dead, and buried. You gave her the chance to become a new person and build a new M with you and she is actively choosing not to do that. As others have stated go see a L tomorrow file and have her served. She isn't even fence sitting, she jumped the fence and ran away from you through the field. Don't put your life and healing on hold any longer. She is not in limbo you are. She is doing exactly what she wants to while you sit back waiting on someone that is gone.

Go ahead and file. Prepare for her to show you exactly who she is once she gets the papers. She may turn evil, break down, or turn up the mainpulation to try to get you back inline. Either way stay strong and remember that even if she says she wants to come back to the M she still has a metric shit ton of work to do on herself first. So take care of yourself now since it's the only thing you can do.

I don't say any of this to be mean or an ass. This isn't even a 2X4. I went through it myself. I actually went through a year of false R because I didn't look at what was right in front of me. This is hard but looking back will only keep you from from moving forward in your life. Get into IC for yourself, file, and start healing. I wish you the best.

Thorston posted 6/6/2013 16:53 PM

If you are okay financially if she gets mad and goes hostile and holds up money/possessions etc., just file.

We already went to a lawyer and did up a seperation agreement. She paid me my qualization payment already. As far as possessions, we have a signed list of who is getting what.

This was all done because she wanted it to basically be a trial seperation, and I was not leaving without legal stuff done.

wonderingbull posted 6/7/2013 09:56 AM

Thorston...

I remember too well what it was like living in a WW induced limbo...

It wasn't until I bucked up and said enough's enough...

When I made the decisions I made for me and got the hell out of her bullshit she made quite the commotion over it... She was still "dating" the OM unbeknownst to me so a panick set in for her...

You're getting played dude... I was getting played... When the ex's backup plan (me) grew some balls back and I was moving on she couldn't believe her plan had backfired...

Buck up cowboy.... Get on the horse, grab the reins and ride away from the bullshit...

I know the anxiety I had making the move... Feeling like I was completely pulling the plug and giving up hope when I was actually dropping the bullshit she'd heaped on me...

WB

Thorston posted 6/11/2013 11:37 AM

Well, sent email on Saturday and got reply last night. All she could say is that she agrees that it is not right for me to wait for her to make a decision.

So I guess its settled. I am going to be one of those 1 in two marriage people. I will be emailing the lawyer today once I get a chance.

It just really pisses me off that she didn't even try. Our 8 years means so little to her.