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didiknow posted 6/3/2013 14:28 PM

I've been looking back at my marriage and remembering things that have been said, when I could get her to say anything at all and I realize that she does not want to be married to me and hasn't for a long time.

After I realized this, I was talking to a friend that was on the deployment and suspected. I was telling him how I wanted to drop her off at the company the afternoon before they left, to spend the night, and she insisted on getting a ride with her squad leader, the OM. I wondered if something happened. My buddy told me, dude, nobody spent the night at the company before we left.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
I'm done with this and her.

1Faith posted 6/3/2013 14:39 PM


So sorry the reality of this all is so terrible for you.

Is your w showing any remorse at all?

Staying of going is a personal choice and only one you can make. Follow your instincts and be kind to yourself. You will have to give yourself time to heal either way.

Be kind to yourself. You aren't a idiot you simply love and believe in your wife. That makes you honorable not an idiot.

Hang in there. The best is yet to be.

didiknow posted 6/3/2013 15:00 PM

No, WW is showing no remorse whatsoever, not asking to come back and is mad at me for the army investigation. I'm sitting in the JAG waiting room now. Its time for legal help.

Jewlz posted 6/3/2013 15:07 PM

I just saw your post here, I also just posted today and I am still in shock from finding out about my H's affair two months ago. He has left me and does not even act sorry. I've been to lawyers in anger but I realized I need to deal with my emotions first. They are all over the place!
I'm sorry you are going through this hell. We will be okay!

Tred posted 6/3/2013 15:09 PM

Sorry mate. Take care of yourself. Just want you to know you aren't an idiot, the fucking idiots are the ones who will betray honest and honorable people.

Jrazz posted 6/3/2013 15:09 PM


I hope you get all the legal help you need. They need to pay the consequences of this.

Shockedman posted 6/3/2013 16:59 PM

being only ten days out from dday, i can tell you my thoughts. i have spent the past days trying to get my WW to do the no contact. she will not and is not legitimately remorseful. as everyone has said, best to worry about yourself right now. do activites you enjoy, exercise and try to keep your mind centered. we are both in a shitstorm right now, but we can all be here for each other

Athena1979 posted 6/3/2013 18:11 PM

Why are you an idiot? She has an affair and somehow that makes you dumb?

She lies and somehow you're at fault?

Nope. My friend, you're not the idiot. You're the guy who deserves better.

didiknow posted 6/3/2013 20:29 PM

It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.

simplydevastated posted 6/3/2013 20:49 PM

You're not an idiot. You're trusting, locking person who's been betrayed. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad that you're getting legal help. Once you have all the information it will give a sense of control over your situation. You'll be able to sound decisions.

Just know that you don't have to go through this alone. We're all here to help in any way we can.

Post often, it helps.


thrivingnow posted 6/3/2013 22:47 PM

It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.

We've all heard that statement. Married women don't have "friends" with men who aren't their husbands. Get the book other's have talked about. Not just friends I think it's called.

Did you get any help at JAG?

Are you drinking water?

tabitha95 posted 6/3/2013 22:50 PM

It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.

I was so naive that I thought my XH was a nice guy for "helping" MOW and being her friend. When I found the card she gave him on D-Day#1, there was no doubt who it was from.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/3/2013 23:03 PM

I felt the same way about my WW's A for the first three months after d-day.

Over the last three weeks those feelings are starting to change to lay all of the responsibility for the A with her. None with me. 50-50 on the marriage problems.

I think it's normal to question yourself at first. You sound like a decent, intelligent guy. It's probably just a matter of time before your mind accepts that you were tricked because you a good guy who loved and believed in your WW. She took advantage of that.

The other thing that's working for me is time and counseling. Even if you're planning to D, counseling helps you get answers.

Good luck and stay strong.

didiknow posted 6/4/2013 00:57 AM

I felt like I was doing so much better until I got this new information and it's like D-Day all over again.
I can't get it out of my head.
This guy came into my house and left with my wife and they had planned the whole thing, the excuse for him picking her up, just to spend the night together.
It makes me sick to my stomach.

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 02:36 AM

It just sucks that it was happening right in front of my face. I even suspected and asked a couple times but it was always, we're just friends.


I did the same. Don't beat yourself up for trusting the person that you were supposed to be able to trust. You were on the old "if I ask you a question you'll tell the me truth" assumption which, outside the wacky world of infidelity, is now people are SUPPOSED to behave.

So just take care of yourself and don't knock yourself for missing signs, or signals. We take people at their word until they give us a reason not to, even if there are warning flags. That's trust - and it's what she has lost, not you.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 2:37 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

ninebark posted 6/4/2013 06:49 AM

We have all been there, feeling like we are idiots at first. I spent months with a nagging suspicion that someone was wrong. We had had discussions where he promised that he would break up with me before he ever cheated. What a lie. That is what they do, they cheat and they lie to hide it, then they lie to cover up the lies.

I thought I was being so supportive and understanding by saying it was okay for him to go out on a bachelor party all night (there was no party), or it was okay to go golfing the satuday we were going to my family (no golfing). Yes we trust because we love.

Good work getting some legal help, do what you have to take care of yourself. Lawyers, some IC, eat, exercise, do what you can to keep healthy during this hard time.

Good luck, we are all with you

Holly-Isis posted 6/4/2013 07:06 AM

I'm so sorry. I understand the renewed pain. MrH left for Iraq about a month after d-day. He insisted that I didn't have to get up and drag the kids to the airport. That he was driving his car and putting it in long term storage. I needed it because mine was acting up and couldn't pass inspection.

Turns out he drove to xOw2's home, picked her up and let her have the car during his deployment.

She was his last kiss before going to a war zone. I don't think he gets how heart wrenching that is, even now.

To have a WS with no remorse and to know your trust was used like that...that you watched your WW drive away with her "BF" and you were likely just grateful she was in a close squad, protected as much as she could be...

I'm so sorry for this new information. It is death by a thousand cuts, isn't it?

I'm glad you're getting legal help and I hope they have to face their choices!

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 10:33 AM

he was his last kiss before going to a war zone. I don't think he gets how heart wrenching that is, even now.


didiknow posted 6/4/2013 23:03 PM

I got some slightly good news. I just talked to a female friend that used to be my WW's friend and went on the deployment. She remembered that, in fact, she, WW, OP, and one other soldier spent the night before deployment at the company just like they said.

It's possible that they stil had a detour on the way or stepped out while there but it's the first piece of somewhat good news since D-Day.

It doesn't really change anything, she still cheated on me last year on a deployment, our previously mentioned friend was an eyewitness, and when I confronted WW on D-Day, she just said, "I'm sorry, I was unhappy and he made me feel wanted"

Here's the confusing part.
When I then asked WW about what happened with her squad leader, she said nothing happened. I told her I didn't believe her and asked, "Did you kiss him", WW remained silent. "Did you have sex with him", WW remained silent. I said WW's name in a very hurt voice and she said "I'm sorry, it just happened"

I have no doubt that WW was having an emotional affair with the OP and I absolutely believe that they had sex but it's driving me crazy that she won't talk to me about it since I confronted her.

I talked to the GF of the OP and the OPGF relayed her conversation with WW after I told the OPGF. WW told OPGF that they did not have sex and when OPGF asked why did you admit it then to your husband, WW said "It was just easier to let him believe that we did"

What the hell sense does that make?

rivenheart posted 6/5/2013 07:12 AM

It means she's willing to let you know the truth but not the BGF. You've got a tangled web of lies and truth in front of you. You're going to have a very difficult time sorting fact from fiction, I'm afraid.

If you're willing to give her a chance rather than proceeding directly to D, I strongly recommend you demand a polygraph. In fact, if you think you can carry this through without backing down, I would simply schedule the poly for a time when you know she'll be home and give her very little notice that you expect her to take it. Don't ask her to set it up. Schedule it and let her know three days before it's scheduled. That's enough time for her to freak out, for you to stand your ground, for her to try and guilt trip or bluff you into cancelling it, for her to feed you a few more facts in hopes you'll be satisfied with them, and for her to divulge the entire truth as you're leaving to get to the appointment. Or, she'll try to beat the test and claim she was simply very nervous and that's what produced the results that look like she was lying. These two scenarios, by the way, are how the a poly for a WS typically plays out, based on what I've seen here at SI.

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