In a really dark place right now and I don't know how to snap out of it. I'm stuck in a vicious circle. I keep searching for something to look forward to, to help bring me through this bad rough patch and yet can't find it. I'm on AD's and have a great IC, but I just can't break out of this.
Because I've been so blue, I don't feel like doing much other than getting through the craziness of life of working full-time and raising twin four year olds. My workouts have drastically decreased the last two months so I've gained a bit of weight (I've always had weight to lose) which makes me depressed so then I don't feel like working out.........so I just continue in the awful circle.
I'm still really feeling the loss of my family. Not being allowed to just hang out for dinner or me just stopping over to lean on my family when lonely and having people to spend time with is so hard and isolating. I hate that I don't have that and never will.
A huge issue for me that adds to this is that XH has not seen his children in over FIVE MONTHS - since before Christmas, and he has only Skyped with them ONE time during those five months. Literally. So no break and frankly I'm pissed off for myself and my children. I would LOVE for them to see their dad and for myself to get every other weekend for example, to just sleep in and some me time to get things done (or do nothing). My parents take the kids overnight (pick up from daycare) once in awhile which is awesome so I can schedule appts, etc but they haven't been able to for awhile and the weeks get very long. One thing I miss the most? Sleep! I never get to sleep in. My sleeping in on the weekends is about 6:30 am (up at 4:30-5 am during week). It is so hard seeing a couple and their children, knowing I don't have that for me or my kids.
It's been two months since SO (of 17 months) and I broke up. I'm still struggling with the loss so that doesn't help.
May 9th was my former wedding anniversary (would've been sixth), May 11th was my 35th B-Day, and of course Mother's Day was May 12th. My parents don't celebrate any holidays/B-Days. I didn't get even one card for my B-Day or Mother's Day from anyone. I'm not surprised, but it still hurts. XH was actually pretty good in the card dept. Add on top of that I'm now 35, single with two little kids, not happy with where I'm at in life, etc.
I feel really isolated and am trying to make friends and feeling lonely. I was looking forward to summer vacation with SO, and his and my kids like we did last year. Now? Trying to figure out what to do with two four year olds and by myself is daunting and honestly doesn't sound fun......especially since I do everything with them by myself every damn day the way it is. I love camping and my kids do too so I thought 'Fuck it, we'll go just the three of us". Camping (tent) is a lot of work (food, supplies, set up/take down, wood, chasing kids, etc) with two adults much less one adult and two little kids. Hell, I couldn't even dash to the bathroom by myself as they'd be alone. I'll probably cancel the reservation. :(
I can't tell you when I've been so blue and I don't really have anyone to talk about all of this with. :(