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GrievingMommy posted 6/3/2013 15:49 PM

In a really dark place right now and I don't know how to snap out of it. I'm stuck in a vicious circle. I keep searching for something to look forward to, to help bring me through this bad rough patch and yet can't find it. I'm on AD's and have a great IC, but I just can't break out of this.

Because I've been so blue, I don't feel like doing much other than getting through the craziness of life of working full-time and raising twin four year olds. My workouts have drastically decreased the last two months so I've gained a bit of weight (I've always had weight to lose) which makes me depressed so then I don't feel like working I just continue in the awful circle.

I'm still really feeling the loss of my family. Not being allowed to just hang out for dinner or me just stopping over to lean on my family when lonely and having people to spend time with is so hard and isolating. I hate that I don't have that and never will.

A huge issue for me that adds to this is that XH has not seen his children in over FIVE MONTHS - since before Christmas, and he has only Skyped with them ONE time during those five months. Literally. So no break and frankly I'm pissed off for myself and my children. I would LOVE for them to see their dad and for myself to get every other weekend for example, to just sleep in and some me time to get things done (or do nothing). My parents take the kids overnight (pick up from daycare) once in awhile which is awesome so I can schedule appts, etc but they haven't been able to for awhile and the weeks get very long. One thing I miss the most? Sleep! I never get to sleep in. My sleeping in on the weekends is about 6:30 am (up at 4:30-5 am during week). It is so hard seeing a couple and their children, knowing I don't have that for me or my kids.

It's been two months since SO (of 17 months) and I broke up. I'm still struggling with the loss so that doesn't help.

May 9th was my former wedding anniversary (would've been sixth), May 11th was my 35th B-Day, and of course Mother's Day was May 12th. My parents don't celebrate any holidays/B-Days. I didn't get even one card for my B-Day or Mother's Day from anyone. I'm not surprised, but it still hurts. XH was actually pretty good in the card dept. Add on top of that I'm now 35, single with two little kids, not happy with where I'm at in life, etc.

I feel really isolated and am trying to make friends and feeling lonely. I was looking forward to summer vacation with SO, and his and my kids like we did last year. Now? Trying to figure out what to do with two four year olds and by myself is daunting and honestly doesn't sound fun......especially since I do everything with them by myself every damn day the way it is. I love camping and my kids do too so I thought 'Fuck it, we'll go just the three of us". Camping (tent) is a lot of work (food, supplies, set up/take down, wood, chasing kids, etc) with two adults much less one adult and two little kids. Hell, I couldn't even dash to the bathroom by myself as they'd be alone. I'll probably cancel the reservation. :(

I can't tell you when I've been so blue and I don't really have anyone to talk about all of this with. :(

stupidstupidme posted 6/3/2013 15:56 PM

I'm really sorry.

nolight posted 6/3/2013 16:22 PM

I've been checking the NB boards for updates on how you re going GM as I was concerned for you after you broke up with SO. Please know that people care.

I've been where you are emotionally and mentally, it is terrible to feel trapped and dark even in your own head. This is the time that you need to give yourself some tough love and force yourself back on track. One thing I realised is that change comes to those that seek it, even if it doesn't seem like it you are in control of your life and have the power to turn it around.

Everything you've been though HURTS, sometimes overwhelmingly so and when the hits keep coming there is an overwhelming temptation to lie down and just take them but it won't help.

What specific areas of your life would you like to repair? PM me if you like!

metamorphisis posted 6/3/2013 18:00 PM

That sucks. I was going to come up with some words of wisdom but I don't have any. That just f'n sucks. When I was working and single mommying (with a biological parent to my dd who is as useless as yours) I had a lot of friends to keep me sane.
There has got to be a mom out there near you who feels exactly the same way. Someone who would come camping too and trade babysitting with you. Are there any groups in your area?
Just grasping at ideas for you
If I lived nearby we'd have a standing commitment for me to come over and let the kids play while you got a nap

Want2help posted 6/3/2013 22:34 PM

I'm so sorry, GM. I also don't have a lot of advice, but gawd, it does just suck.


aLadypilot posted 6/4/2013 14:32 PM

Me too. I'm really sorry.

nowiknow23 posted 6/4/2013 15:10 PM

GM - do you belong to a church? Any possibility of a mom's group there? Or at childcare?

Are there any meetup groups in your area? Can you start one yourself to see if there are others in a similar situation?

Sending you tons of hugs and strength. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. ((((GM))))

StrongerOne posted 6/4/2013 16:18 PM

So sorry, GM -- big hugs to you!
Maybe do camping in the backyard? Do you have enough $ to hire a sitter?

Or, now about a mothers helper? You might be able to find a middle schooler or high schooler to come to your house early on Saturday and take the kids for the morning. Arrange it so you don't get them ready, even -- the student comes over, gets them dressed, feeds them, takes them out. You sleep...

Can you take a few hours off from work, while the kids are in day care, just to nap or do something nice for yourself?

I wish I could come over and give you a big hug!

jrc1963 posted 6/4/2013 16:27 PM


I know you can't see it... but there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Squint hard and look... it might just be a pinpoint right now... but it's there!

I second the mother's helper idea... see if there's someone in your area who could help and work cheap.

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