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Contact with OW Complicating Recovery, How Do I Move Fwd?

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anonymous823 posted 6/3/2013 16:11 PM

Hi All,

My fiance and I are are long distance engagement and in April he sent for me to visit him. While there his pet needed to be rushed to the vet and while at the hospital I noticed my fiancé texting. He lied about it when I confronted but while he was away I saw the texts from the AP and I called her and texted her letting her know I knew for sure. When my fiance returned from the vet, he admitted everything but said he didn't want to end it because I was not a guarantee but she was. I gave him that because for years I told him I might leave him. I long suspected he was cheating with her and I contacted her months before dday and she ignored me.

After I returned to my home state my fiancé said he ended the affair with the AP by email and we started planning to move forward. Then one day in early May I couldn't reach him for hours, so I called the AP's phone and heard him in the background talking. He later explained that he was helping her move and that was it. The next day he forwarded me copies of emails he supposedly sent to her ending things. After he sent them I texted the AP and told her that he sent them and she said that was a lie. Then she started saying he was begging her to take him back and I foolishly shared with her that I was hurt and broken and she called me a bitch and suddenly started erratically texting me calling my fiance names and saying she's better than and smarter than both my fiancé and I.

I stopped responding to the OW's texts because I was on jury duty and when I turned my phone on she'd texted me over 40 times telling me how much my fiancé sucks and how she never wants to see him again and how I'm stupid. Then she said " I bet he told you I asked him to marry me for my green card, well he asked me too, get your facts straight, haha." She seemed totally livid with him and bitt

Two days later my fiancé showed me an email she sent him, per our recovery agreement, where she was telling him to come meet her so he could pick up the tools he left over her house when he helped her move. He let me remote into his computer so that I could see him write her back telling her to keep the tools because he is committed to working on repairing things with me; I clicked send on the email to her.

So far my fiance has done the following voluntarily:

Deleted the email account she contacted him on

Changed his business phone number ( she only had that - not his actual cell number).

Taken the day off work and flown out to my state to meet with a therapist with me and paid the hundreds of dollars for the visit.

Telling me where he is at all times and putting me on speaker when he arrives so that I can hear for verification.

Put in for resignation at his job to move to where I am.

Told his 11 year old son that he made a mistake introducing another woman to him and that "dads are only allowed to have one girlfriend or wife" I am his future wife.

I worry she ended things with him and that he settled for me and could relapse.  However, her trying to get him to meet her to pick up his tools makes me think he did dump her because she was trying to use them to see him again. He said he fell for that with him helping her move. Also, I know she's lying about the green card because if she asked him to marry her for it and he asked her to marry him too, then why didn't he marry her? Also if he wanted her like she said he did then why did he refuse to marry her in January and leave her facing deportation. She's still at risk of being deported. Surely a man in love with help with that.

Still I struggle with:
Will the affair resume and did he settle for me?

How do I stop feeling at a disadvantage for being in another state for the start of recovery?

How do I stop letting whatb the AP said get to me and trust my fiance for recovery?

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 4:26 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

mepe27 posted 6/3/2013 16:47 PM

My H and I had about 5 mos of false R. A lot of trickle truth, blame shifting, lying and a ton of hurtful things said by him, me and the ow.
When we finally did get to a place of true R, once I felt our marriage had stabalized, I had to deal with the effects of all of those things, they can't be undone.
I had to take each thing one at a time and sort it out, writing a journal about my feelings and working thru them, talking to an IC, talking to my H and sometimes deciding to let it go were all things I had to do.

So Q1. You never know if the affair will resume, will he be faithful forever? I have decided that I will never blind trust again, it can't happen. So as long as my H is open and transparent then I trust my gut. I also don't brush things off, if I ever get a funny feeling, I dig it out, before I made excuses "he's working so hard, he's tried, he's blah" no more, if things feel weird I talk it out until it is explained.
Q1 part 2 did he settle for you? I think this is a trust actions thing. If he is doing everything you need to feel safe and loved you need to choose to accept that or not, questioning his actions constantly will drive you mad. If you are truly having gut feelings something isn't true thats one thing, but doing lots of 'what ifs' isn't helping to repair your relationship.
Q2- you are at a disadvantage for being in a different state but it's not your fault, you guys are trying to work it out. If you are feeling guilty I'd look deeper into that either on your own or with an IC. Have you chosen to stay distant physically for some reason other than job? Do you have past issues with being hurt? Maybe this is a bigger issue, maybe it's not but the fact that you feel guilty suggests further investigation imo.
Q3-The OW is tough to deal with b/c you typically can't work thru stuff with them and you shouldn't in most cases so resentment can really linger.
I few things to remember about any OW, their self esteem is pretty low generally. If you're willing to be someones seconds, if you're willing to be hidden and someone the person you love won't leave their s/gf to actually be with you and you still continue to sleep with them, well you don't think very highly of yourself. She was lashing out to try to bolster her sudden realization that she sort of trashy. So take what she says with a grain of salt. If think something she said is true and your bf is lying about it, I'd suggest writing all the facts you know out in a journal and try to sort out what the truth could actually be and present it to your bf for clarification. If you're just letting ow get under your skin, unfortunately that is something many of us just have to figure out how to let go of. I thought of every possible way to handle my issues with ow, confronting would just make it worse, even if she apologzied it would take back what she said or did and I wouldn't believe her anyway. so what was i left with. I talked it out like mad with my IC and i ended up doing a symbolic "letting go" ceremony which actually was helpful.

So as i mentioned, it's really about taking every single issue one day at a time and working thru it, otherwise all those little things eat away at you. don't be tempted to just sweep em under the rug, they won't go away on their own. But you can get thru it, it seems daunting but once your thru you'll be glad you did the work. Makes the relationship so much more valuable b/c you both put in so much work to make it right.

Undone1 posted 6/3/2013 16:51 PM

Anonymous--no one call tell you what you should do, but why would you want to settle for this guy? Why move forward at all? If this guy is broken at the start, DON'T SETTLE!!!!

I can tell you that I settled and it is not worth the pain down the road for you and particularly your children!!!

My recommendation would be run and run fast! You don't need your this kind of a model for your 11 year old son.

anonymous823 posted 6/3/2013 23:37 PM

Mepe27, your advice truly helped me. I haven't talked about this with anyone except my therapist and it feels great to be understood. I am going to do some soul searching with your advice in mind.

I know that my "what-its" are detrimental and that they need to stop. I appreciate yo sharing advice on handling the OW because I really let her get under my skin. My fiancé says I give her too much power. I keep a journal and see an IC. My IC is also our couples counselor. She saw us before the affair, just after we got engaged and warned me that not making a definitive commitment to my relationship would have consequences. She said that while he is 100% responsible for his cheating, I need to acknowledge my role. I agree. Also, I'm in dangerous terrain becaude I began talking to another man once I was fairly certain my fiance was cheating and I have not stopped. My fiance knows about the guy but not that I still speak to him. I feel like I need to tell my IC and my fiancé but I'm afraid. The other guy is there for me and when I was devastated by finding out about my fiancé's EA, he helped me. I met him three days before dday. I realize its dangerous to recovery because today he said he has feelings for me.

anonymous823 posted 6/3/2013 23:45 PM

@undone1- I appreciate your advice. I have considered leaving. The 11 year old is his son. He has full custody. I dont have any children with my fiancé. Im in my twenties and my fiance is quite a bit older than me.

I used to feel I was settling but my fiancé but there has been more good than bad. Still I wonder if I should move on because I've been with him my whole adult life and maybe I need to find out how to be strong alone.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 11:46 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

Undone1 posted 6/5/2013 21:57 PM

There is nothing better than knowing you can be alone, strong and don't "need" a relationship! We all have to take care of ourselves emotionally and it is important to learn how to do that now so that you don't have to settle for someone. As women, we don't really need anyone but ourselves! It's hard not to want to have someone in waiting in the wings, but if you can work thru it, you will be much happier ultimately!

I have two very strong girls that have learned that lesson early in their lives after watching their Mom make mistakes.

anonymous823 posted 6/9/2013 10:19 AM

@undone- thank you for that. I'm in my twenties and my fiancé is a bit older than me. I'm starting to think I struggle with codependency. Professionally and academically I've done very well but I think I rely on this relationship for emotional security. I'm in IC and we're to start working on this next week. You sound like a very wise woman. Thank you for your comments about settling.

Jospehine85 posted 6/9/2013 13:26 PM


I am going to throw in my 2 cents worth.

You are not married to your WS and you don't even live in the same state as him. Ask yourself how much time have you actually spent with him? How well do you think you have gotten to know him visiting him (when you are both acting on your best behavior)?

Could it be you are more in love with an ideal than with a reality?

(((anonymous823))) I do not think you are ready to get married. Neither is your fiance.

Your fiance stepped outside of your relationship to get validation (his A) and you are stepping outside of your relationship to get emotional support and perhaps validation also from this new man.

Ideally, a marriage is about turning towards each other. A spouse is supposed to be your partner in life. He (or she) is supposed to be the one you turn to when you need a "rock". The fact that both of you are turning away from each other worries me.

Now may be a good time for both of you take a step back from your relationship and work on yourselves individually.

I wish you only the best.

anonymous823 posted 6/9/2013 13:58 PM

@Josephine- thank you for that. We lived together from 2011- 2012 and did well with premarital counseling during that time. I have an IC who saw us and is seeing us now and she stated that he needs an IC and that in her work with me she found that I was not emotionally available to him and she is correct. She qualified that with: you do not own his affair. He admitted his wrong and for a month has been working with me, I'm just struggling with what-if's. My fiancé gave a lot to me prior to his affair and I struggled with working with him. I own that and I ended my interaction with the other guy after telling my fiancé about it and speaking with my IC. The affair also started on the heels of his son's disproval of our relationship and severe behavioral problems that required police intervention. I was living with him when the issues with his son started and I moved out as a result and I refused to attend family counseling because I felt attacked. He has full custody of his son and he ( his son) has since had 8 months of therapy and completely changed but the affair started during that conflict. I started talking to the other guy around April. We pulled away from each other largely due to the issues with his son and me questioning if I could marry him knowing his son had behavioral problems. My fiancé felt I abandoned him during that time.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 2:11 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]

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