Well, that's changed, what with D-day and all. Don't know where it came from, but a few weeks after Dday #2, I said I did not want to celebrate our anniversary this year, as there's nothing to celebrate just now. I said it from a place of pain and anger, and I'm still in that place today, so I see no reason to change my opinion.
I'm at sea right now, talk every day for a few minutes with the fWW, and today she noted that the anniversary was coming up. She didn't push, didn't give an opinion one way or the other. I said 'yes' and that was about it. She changed the subject, which was fine by me.
Anyhow, did I do the right thing? Far as I can see, I gave her the biggest gift in the world about 2 months ago: a THIRD chance, and the fact is that she murdered any joy I could take from my family life for the time being, and I didn't send her packing. Yet I feel guilty, and I'm not sure why. I feel saddened, depressed, and more than a little lost, emasculated, shamed and furious... why in the name of God am I suddenly feeling guilty?
Our 12th anniversary was 2 months after Dday #2 and a year of false R. No way was I celebrating.
I have no idea how I will feel this year on our 13th. It feels that the date is tainted, but given that he cheated for 5 years, what day hasn't been tainted?
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I don't have an anniversary any more with this marriage as my spouse ended our marriage in 2007 and forgot to tell me. If we stay together and re-commit we will have a new anniversary and maybe I can celebrate.... When vow are broken, so is the marriage is my black and white of it. We are in R but I am not yet to the point of re-committing---only 8 months and there are still some things to be done.
Westerly....it is about you and how you feel about it. Each of us are different and see things different....just take care of yourself!
Now, I'm focusing on just making it through any given day, much less a milestone full of triggers. She knows I'm dreading this day and looking to fix it before it happens. If she has a good idea on how to make the anniversary day good again, I'll listen but not really able to make my own 'couple' activity ideas at the moment.
After some MC sessions, I'm slowly learning I can't control her feelings. I have no reason to feel guilty right now given the hand I was given (20 months of LTA PA and a good dose of TT). Neither should you.
So if my WW is guilty or sad then it is her responsibility to make herself better. Hopefully that will involve solving the problem she created and bringing happiness to our marriage again.
All that said, I don't have high expectations for the anniversary in 8 weeks and will plan accordingly. It might be a good day for me to focus entirely on me...
Last year I wasn't clear as I felt it would be too hurtful to him to say what I really thought. That left him confused, not knowing what to do. Now I am getting better at being honest about how I feel.
Might be worth letting your WW know clearly what you want or don't want to happen?
D-Day 19 April 2012
In MC, I've said that I feel that the seven long years he screwed around should be subtracted from our anniversary. That day brings me no joy and is still a reminder of what he put at risk.
To answer your question, you get a resounding "Yes, you're right" from me. There's no reason to feel guilty about not wanting to celebrate a marriage that includes cheating.
Slight t/j here for clarity:
In retrospect, the thing that made that easier was that the previous year's anniversary had turned out horribly. He was distracted during dinner, distant all evening, and urged me to drink too much wine. When we got home, he indicated interest in "dessert" but spent his time worrying over and getting ready for his cycling activities with his friends or "friend" (no admission yet) that were planned for the next morning to the point that the wine kicked in and I fell asleep waiting for him. I woke up about 1am and found him asleep on the couch clutching his phone. Happy anniversary to me. That was the last anniversary before dd. He had various excuses. Blah blah blah. Then when the most recent anniversary came, he had already pretty much junked them, I think. His comment, during the later argument, was "It's my anniversary weekend too! I should get to do something that I want to do!" A reward to sticking it out another year was what I heard. Sigh. End t/j.
What I'm saying here is that if that anniversary had not been so awfully painful and telling, I probably could have celebrated the first anniversary post dd. We have been married a long time, and have had good times- honestly more good than bad. I agree with the people that say so much has been taken from them that they refuse to loose their anniversary too. That is it the first building block to a new future maybe? It's possible with a remorseful spouse.
I think that's the key- a remorseful spouse.
I wish you well.
I never knew real pain until this happened
In my case, I wanted to be courted on our 1st post-D-Day anniversary, so I told my W if she asked me out for something specific that she arranged, I might go. I liked what she arranged, and we had a GREAT time. For our 2nd, I wanted to do something nice for and with her, but she insulted me, and it didn't work out at all - but it did give us fodder for some good problem-solving.
What would feel best to you?