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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: should I skip the anniversary?
westerly
♂ 34280
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About 2 months out from Dday #2, and Wednesday is our anniversary- original plan was to get away together for a long weekend, something romantic. This was a big one for us, one of the milestones. We would miss the actual date, as I'm at sea for a few weeks at a time, and were planning on celebrating about 2 weeks after our actual anniversary date.

Well, that's changed, what with D-day and all. Don't know where it came from, but a few weeks after Dday #2, I said I did not want to celebrate our anniversary this year, as there's nothing to celebrate just now. I said it from a place of pain and anger, and I'm still in that place today, so I see no reason to change my opinion.

I'm at sea right now, talk every day for a few minutes with the fWW, and today she noted that the anniversary was coming up. She didn't push, didn't give an opinion one way or the other. I said 'yes' and that was about it. She changed the subject, which was fine by me.

Anyhow, did I do the right thing? Far as I can see, I gave her the biggest gift in the world about 2 months ago: a THIRD chance, and the fact is that she murdered any joy I could take from my family life for the time being, and I didn't send her packing. Yet I feel guilty, and I'm not sure why. I feel saddened, depressed, and more than a little lost, emasculated, shamed and furious... why in the name of God am I suddenly feeling guilty?


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had our 11th anniversary 2 months after Dday #1. I refused to acknowledge it at all. There was nothing to celebrate.

Our 12th anniversary was 2 months after Dday #2 and a year of false R. No way was I celebrating.

I have no idea how I will feel this year on our 13th. It feels that the date is tainted, but given that he cheated for 5 years, what day hasn't been tainted?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
betrayed5years
♀ 37146
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had our 40th while WS was still in the EA with OW and he failed to do anything. I got him a "pass" as he had had open heart surgery a month prior....but I made and gave him an awesome mokume' gane ring with 5 stars--4o years and 1 more decade. His first response was the inscription inside LOVE...was that the L was crooked. Eight months later was Dday of a 5 years LTA with neighbor, friend and etc. Yep our love was crooked....one sided on my part. He has since tried to "make-up" for his words but nothing will ever take that hurt away. He gave me a belated 40th anniversary gift, made sure got a 41 but they mean nothing. I am not really a drinker but got drunk on our 41st anniversary to take away the pain.

I don't have an anniversary any more with this marriage as my spouse ended our marriage in 2007 and forgot to tell me. If we stay together and re-commit we will have a new anniversary and maybe I can celebrate.... When vow are broken, so is the marriage is my black and white of it. We are in R but I am not yet to the point of re-committing---only 8 months and there are still some things to be done.

Westerly....it is about you and how you feel about it. Each of us are different and see things different....just take care of yourself!


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
brokenniceguy
♂ 39195
Member # 39195
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you on this. For the last two anniversary dates, I have been the clueless one at the table because I didn't know she had her other relationship.

Now, I'm focusing on just making it through any given day, much less a milestone full of triggers. She knows I'm dreading this day and looking to fix it before it happens. If she has a good idea on how to make the anniversary day good again, I'll listen but not really able to make my own 'couple' activity ideas at the moment.

After some MC sessions, I'm slowly learning I can't control her feelings. I have no reason to feel guilty right now given the hand I was given (20 months of LTA PA and a good dose of TT). Neither should you.

So if my WW is guilty or sad then it is her responsibility to make herself better. Hopefully that will involve solving the problem she created and bringing happiness to our marriage again.

All that said, I don't have high expectations for the anniversary in 8 weeks and will plan accordingly. It might be a good day for me to focus entirely on me...


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
Kiwigirl
♀ 36185
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with you westerly on anniversaries. The one thing I have learnt in the last year though is to communicate with my FWH better about how I feel so he is outlet guessing what I want. I told him kindly but clearly that I didn't want him to do anything for it, that I just wanted the day to pass unremarked.that is what I mean and I won't be sulking on the day if he doesn't do anything.

Last year I wasn't clear as I felt it would be too hurtful to him to say what I really thought. That left him confused, not knowing what to do. Now I am getting better at being honest about how I feel.

Might be worth letting your WW know clearly what you want or don't want to happen?


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
LivinginLimbo
♀ 35004
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This remains a sore subject for me too. To me, that marriage ended the second he started to cheat.

In MC, I've said that I feel that the seven long years he screwed around should be subtracted from our anniversary. That day brings me no joy and is still a reminder of what he put at risk.

To answer your question, you get a resounding "Yes, you're right" from me. There's no reason to feel guilty about not wanting to celebrate a marriage that includes cheating.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2012
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand.
There are several views that I have noticed on the forum while I was wrestling with this dilemma myself. Some say "Hell no, I won't give up the fact that it was a marriage!" Others don't celebrate much, some can't bring themselves to acknowledge the day at all. I was in the last group in Dec. It was extremely painful. WH and I spoke several times in the months leading up to Dec, and he wanted to mark the day. I didn't, so we didn't.

Slight t/j here for clarity:
In retrospect, the thing that made that easier was that the previous year's anniversary had turned out horribly. He was distracted during dinner, distant all evening, and urged me to drink too much wine. When we got home, he indicated interest in "dessert" but spent his time worrying over and getting ready for his cycling activities with his friends or "friend" (no admission yet) that were planned for the next morning to the point that the wine kicked in and I fell asleep waiting for him. I woke up about 1am and found him asleep on the couch clutching his phone. Happy anniversary to me. That was the last anniversary before dd. He had various excuses. Blah blah blah. Then when the most recent anniversary came, he had already pretty much junked them, I think. His comment, during the later argument, was "It's my anniversary weekend too! I should get to do something that I want to do!" A reward to sticking it out another year was what I heard. Sigh. End t/j.

What I'm saying here is that if that anniversary had not been so awfully painful and telling, I probably could have celebrated the first anniversary post dd. We have been married a long time, and have had good times- honestly more good than bad. I agree with the people that say so much has been taken from them that they refuse to loose their anniversary too. That is it the first building block to a new future maybe? It's possible with a remorseful spouse.
I think that's the key- a remorseful spouse.

I wish you well.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
raerae33
♀ 37832
Member # 37832
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ours is next week and I don't even want to think about it let alone celebrate it. Last year he took me to Hawaii, it was the best time of my life. Five months later he's having an affair. I just can't figure out how he could go from "best time of our life" to "I need something else".


Me BS 49 (in IC)
Him WS 51 (in IC)
OP whore in process of divorce 34
M 7 yrs (MC coming soon)
A 7 wks
DDay 12.15.12
NC 12.17.12
R working on it

I never knew real pain until this happened


Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of thinking about what you don't want to do on your anniversary, why not go for what you do want to do?

In my case, I wanted to be courted on our 1st post-D-Day anniversary, so I told my W if she asked me out for something specific that she arranged, I might go. I liked what she arranged, and we had a GREAT time. For our 2nd, I wanted to do something nice for and with her, but she insulted me, and it didn't work out at all - but it did give us fodder for some good problem-solving.

What would feel best to you?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
westerly
♂ 34280
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hard to say. I'm at sea. I'm a ship's captain, so most days are hectic. Tomorrow's the day, and it should be less hectic than most, and I'm happy to not be at home. When I go home, I have a long weekend planned to go camping with my brothers. No real plans with her. My boy and I have a list of things we want to do- he and I are good about pushing each other to do fun things. fWW sits and watches foreign soap operas.


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
Tiredofthepain
♀ 37932
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ours is next month and I do not plan on celebrating it at all.
I am sure it will be a sad and very painful day.
Why celebrate a day of promises made so long ago that now mean nothing? I dread July 18th


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 11

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