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Newest Member: sponger77 (61470)

User Topic: Advice needed
♀ 28856
Member # 28856
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Background: I am still in touch with in-laws. MIL lives nearby. I see her about once a month. SIL lives out of state. We talk about twice a month. Relationship with MIL is pretty formal, SIL is a friendship. After the divorce I let SIL know I didn't want to talk about her brother (x) or about the D, although she knows about A.

MIL just had a milestone birthday. She is renting a summer house and inviting her children and grandchildren (not me). SIL called the other day and asked me about dates of a public event going on in my town. I confirmed the dates. SIL then tells me that X is not going to the summer house and is using his involvement in the event as his excuse. Event takes place in June, summer house dates are in July, so it is a flat out lie. She asks me why he would do that, I just tell her liars lie and she can ask him but don't expect much.

So today I get an email from x telling me about the summer house, that he is not going and the excuse (lie) he has given his mother. Then he tells me that she is going to invite me (and kids) and he wants to give me a heads up (read between the lines, he wants me to cover for his lie).

If MIL does invite me, I want to say yes. If the topic of x's lie comes up, I will not cover for him, BUT I don't want to get into a discussion about it. X's relationship with his family is his problem. I've stepped away from his craziness and have no desire to try and make sense of it to his family.

So here is the question: How do I handle this? It was easy on the phone with SIL, but I have a feeling it will be much harder when we are all thrown together in a house. Am I crazy to even consider going? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jun 2010
♀ 39267
Member # 39267
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go and keep your head high. If you've told them that you don't want to discuss things related to him or the D then those boundaries are clear.
I too was leery of having any sort of relationship with my stbxh's family, especially after all the lies he's told them about me. Funny thing is, most of them are pulling their heads out of the sand and seeing him for who he really is.

If you chose not to go, you'll probably hear from him about how it's unfair that your kids didn't get to see the family, blah blah blah.
Put on a fabulous dress and enjoy the day.

Sometimes you have to stand alone, just to make sure you still can.

Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These words can be your best friend "Um, I don't know".

If MIL asks about the event thing, just say you are not sure, you don't know, etc etc. If SIL says anything about it to MIL, then just conveniently leave the room. Do not become involved. Since you are friends with SIL and you have already told her the dates of the event, then perhaps explain to her ahead of time that you do not want to become involved in any discussion about X and so you plan to fake ignorance and make yourself scarce if such a discussion comes up. If SIL wants to "out" her brother/your X to MIL then perhaps direct her to a website about the event so she can claim she got the info there.

So remember, "I don't know", "I don't want to discuss it", "I need to check the kids", "HEY! Shiny thing! I must investigate!", and/or "I think I need a nap"

Good luck!

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't sweat it; be absolutely noncommittal and you'll be fine.

When is 'the event'? "It was on June 15th."

But shithead said it was this week! "Hmmm..."

Did he lie like this when you two were together?? "Not something I want to talk about"

Why?? "That was another lifetime--off to the beach!"

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take a page out of the Wayward book....every answer to any question asked should be "I don't know" or "I have no idea."

Let SIL stir the pot. You just *play* stupid.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 34722
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have a very hard time lying for anyone. If asked a direct question, I would have to give an honest answer. I guess the best option for me would be to stay away.

You do what you are comfortable with.

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say only answer questions that you have factual answers for. Dates of an event? Fact. Opinion on why XH lied? Not a fact.

If it's not a factual response, you don't know (really, you don't, even if you can conjecture with 99% certainty) and they should be redirected with something like, "I have no idea. That's a good question to ask XH."

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14447 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask your SIL to not give you ANY info about him.

You don't need to be in this position - you would not be if she didn't tell you that tidbit about him.

IMO its OK to tell you he ISN'T coming to something for you to consider going but it should stop right there.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 8

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