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Newest Member: Dilbert (46033)

User Topic: She said something nice!
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since moving into my apartment, I've had our boys every weekend, and we're loving it! I finally got around to posting a bunch of our recent photos on facebook.

Since I have removed STBXW from my news feed, I didn't know if she had done the same to me. So I sent her an email, with a link to the album.

She sent me an email saying, "Great pics. You're obviously doing a great job with them on weekends."

I almost wept. It made me realize how spare she has always been with praise in the past. Made me hate and love her simultaneously.

But anyhow, I guess she isn't entirely evil and heartless.

And now back to no contact.


--
Edited for a typo.

[This message edited by pass at 8:30 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, pass, pass. I'm gonna swing a very gentle 2x4 for the email to her in the first place. I have followed lots of your posts and I have a feeling that you sent her the album in an attempt to make her feel bad or guilty over what she's missing with you and the kids.

Stop that.

Sending her emails and photo attachments is not within the NC program about kids and finances. Those memories with your kids are now your own. She doesn't deserve to see how you spend your time with them and make them smile. You have them every weekend? Where the hell is she on the weekends? Screwing around and trying to make her own broken, sorry, empty ass happy ... without her own kids.

Who cares that she said something that could be interpreted as somewhat nice? She's blown up her family's world for nothing more than her own selfish bullshit reasons. Who gives a shit what she says anymore.

From now on, don't invite her in for a glimpse of your family life. Pass, she knows what she's missing and she doesn't care. That's a tough one to realize because you never expect them to turn away from their own kids, but so many of them do. No amount of happy pictures will make her turn back. She's made her choice.

Fuck that woman and go strict NC for your own healing.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2909 | Registered: Jan 2011
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A hundred praises can never erase the pain and suffering she has inflicted on you. Beware the unremorseful WS that heaps praise upon you. Its either a ploy to get something from you, a way of soothing their own troubled minds or simply another attempt at holding control over you and your emotions. We S/D from these people for a reason. Blabbing kind words in your direction are just that, words. Define a person by their actions. For action is a true measure of ones character. Don't let her cloud or misdirect your intentions with words. It just causes further hurt down the line.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5905 | Registered: Nov 2007
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad your kids are having a great time too. But pass, she doesn't get a window into your awesomeness anymore. Don't accept her 'validation.' And don't try to guilt her into what she's missing.
How is it she doesn't want them on the weekends?? What the fuck?


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4823 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What they said friend. Block her. Not out of spite but self-protection.

Detaching is hard. Impossible when they are still in your face.

Detaching is necessary otherwise you'll be stuck in limbo. Limbo means feeling like this and being stuck in this place for longer than you need to be.

((pass))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gentle 2x4: don't just remove her from FB newsfeed, remove her from your friend list and block.
This is for you not for her.

Posts: 4728 | Registered: Dec 2009
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm gonna swing a very gentle 2x4 for the email to her in the first place.

suckstobeme, that response was a GENTLE 2x4? I'm glad you weren't swinging with all your might!

I don't think I was trying to play any games this time. She's been very nice about sharing videos of the kids with me, so I think I was just returning the favour. However, I've been known to be totally unaware of my own motivations in the past, so I will accept your "gentle" 2x4 upside my head.

And I definitely deserve it for swooning so much over her kind words!


stronger08, you're absolutely right, of course. Her actions always have, and still do, suck. Damn her sweet-talking!


tesla, yep. I'm still eating up any validation I can get from her, and that has to stop. Why doesn't she want them on weekends? Because she wants to party and fuck, of course! I just don't get it.

I mean, if she didn't want me anymore, whatever (well, not really, but you know what I mean), but how'n hell can she do it to her kids?

Don't worry, no amount of kind words on her part would ever win me back, but I am relying on y'all to keep me strong!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also remember you don't need her approval. Fill yourself up somewhere else. Your self esteem has taken a beating, the last thing you want to do is hand her the knife to repeat the act.

Posts: 4728 | Registered: Dec 2009
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd rather not block her. I'm trying to keep everything friendly until the divorce - in about a year - to make sure I get my share of that nice pension without a fight.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. It was late and I had had a vodka tonic.

It's just that we all see so much of ourselves in you. We want you to stop trying to get her to make sense or return to her "normal" self.

I know how hard it is to detach. Believe me, I do.

And, as much as you personally detach from her as time goes on, it will always be astounding to you, as it is to me, that she can put herself and her desire to act like a single teenager ahead of her own children. It still amazes me and In the back of my head I expect it.

She doesn't deserve you. Don't give her one more ounce of you or your emotions. Have fun with your kids and make your own memories with them. She shouldn't get to be a part of that anymore.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2909 | Registered: Jan 2011
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to keep everything friendly until the divorce

I call bullshit on that. There might be a grain of truth in it but read your first post. That's not why you emailed her, that's not why you won't block her.

You're reaching out. You're leaving the door open just a slither. If not openly then definitely in your heart of hearts.

I did it too. Hell, I didn't want him back - it would have been far more painful had he feigned remorse for a few more years but... damn... didn't change that I wanted to see it.

Uncertainone has a great post about Rejection. I wanted him to miss me and regret what he did even though I did not want him back.

Its messed up but relatively normal.

Still, don't bullshit yourself. You're free to be as honest as possible here. Examine what you're doing and the effect it has on you. She hurt you - you are now hurting yourself.

We all have our own individual levels of 'enough' - you haven't reached yours yet. That's OK. Please try to be brutally honest with yourself about it.

I read here once "Its up to you how painful this needs to get".


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((pass)))) You are a great dad. Your love for your littles shines bright in your posts.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26489 | Registered: Aug 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted him to miss me and regret what he did even though I did not want him back.

Me too..

I agree with everyone's posts, including the 2 x 4's. But I especially agree with NIK's about how your love for your little ones is so apparent here..

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
debbysbaby
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But pass, she doesn't get a window into your awesomeness anymore

^^^this

If you don't want to block her then set your privacy settings where she can't see your posts, photos, etc.

I have a sister that can't bother to even call visit or write. She's my Facebook friend but she can't see my statuses or updates. If she can't be present in my life, I'm not giving her a window in. I suggest you do the same.

[This message edited by debbysbaby at 11:38 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 887 | Registered: Aug 2011
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does take a while to totally detach and we have all be there ourselves. We all hoped they would eventually get how screwed up they were and fix themselves and fix the mess they made of our marriage and our kids lives, but that unfortunately doesn't happen very often. If she hasn't gotten it by now, she never will. The only way to detach your heart and brain is NC except for the absolute essentials and then with as few words as possible and without emotion. It does get easier with time and actually doing it. You are no longer a part of her life and she needs to be no longer a part of yours even when you have the kids. She doesn't need a glimps into your world and until you realize this and accept it then you will continue to be hurt by her actions, even when she seems nice. It just pulls you back into her world. NC=No New Hurts ((HUGS))


BW-52
WH#2-53
M-10 yrs T-12 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
DD#4-11/28/14 He ran off to be with OW after assaulting me
Divorcing

Posts: 2490 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NIK and others, thanks for saying nice things about me and my kids. I used to have that kind of raw, unbridled love for my wife as well. Then she stomped on it. I just don't understand why that wouldn't be enough for her.

God damn it, and now I'm crying about her again.

You're all right: I'm trying to detach, and failing miserably. My heart breaks anew every day.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't understand why that wouldn't be enough for her.

She is broken friend. It is all completely nonsensical. You'll never understand it because you're not fucked up.

I know you're hurting - please know you're not alone. We all want you to protect yourself in ways many of us didn't protect ourselves. NC is key here. You can't 'nice' her back nor will she wake up one day and realise what a monumental fuck-up she is.

Chances are you being overtly nice to her helps her justify her choices. "See - its not so bad, we're friends!"

You are very early into this. My heart broke a million times a million different ways before I started protecting myself. I was on the floor for more days than I care to count.

Be gentle with yourself - take steps to protect yourself even though you don't want to right now. Fake it till you make it. One day you'll realise you're not faking it.

(((pass))) You're a good man, a good person and a great father. She knew this and did it all anyway. Not because you weren't enough but because she isn't enough. Focus all of that energy into loving yourself and your boys. I promise you won't regret it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
MissD
♀ 39377
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to detach, and failing miserably. My heart breaks anew every day.

You are going through a painful process with an entirely new learning curve, try not to see it as failing miserably.


Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very similar to you, Pass, for a while.

But the hurts soon overtook the niceties and I understand to question them now.

I will say that it was nice of her to reply, because many times when I did that in the first few days, no reply came.

I understand it all now and hope the same for you. I've also come to a point where I don't want him to know what we're doing or DD is doing. I don't want her on his SN's, after what he did, and am searching for any way to get it in the decree.

I will confess that I'm not fully detatched after a year and a half of being alone, though less long after DDay, but a little shell is starting to grow around my heart.

One thing that helps is remembering the pain, the gut wrenching pain that man caused me and wanting to secure a way that it will never, ever happen in "our" house again. It took me a long time, and even some people yelling at me, for my own fog to lift and "see" who he really is-not my charming prince, but something utterly, devastatingly, different.

Validation is a lot harder to find within ourselves, but it's one of the only ways I find to true "happiness". I was relying on him for happiness and for a time it was coming, but I won't do that anymore, ever again. I lived for being a housewife, for family and daily worked to build our future, but the proverbial rug was pulled out like you had.

I also watched my dad pine for my mother for a long, long time after she abandoned him, as well. What was discovered was that it pushed her further and further away-she actually fled to another country to get away from him. He chased her for over a year, but in our agony, we don't know what we're doing and when the other person doesn't tell us what they feel, we can't know. The more he pushed, the more she fled and so on.

I can relate to wanting to appear friendly and not hostile, but look what your WW did already. I'm sorry to be blunt and am glad your kids have you to be with on weekends. I bet it will be stable for them.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very similar to you, Pass, for a while.

But the hurts soon overtook the niceties and I understand to question them now.

I will say that it was nice of her to reply, because many times when I did that in the first few days, no reply came.

I understand it all now and hope the same for you. I've also come to a point where I don't want him to know what we're doing or DD is doing. I don't want her on his SN's, after what he did, and am searching for any way to get it in the decree.

I will confess that I'm not fully detatched after a year and a half of being alone, though less long after DDay, but a little shell is starting to grow around my heart.

One thing that helps is remembering the pain, the gut wrenching pain that man caused me and wanting to secure a way that it will never, ever happen in "our" house again. It took me a long time, and even some people yelling at me, for my own fog to lift and "see" who he really is-not my charming prince, but something utterly, devastatingly, different.

Validation is a lot harder to find within ourselves, but it's one of the only ways I find to true "happiness". I was relying on him for happiness and for a time it was coming, but I won't do that anymore, ever again. I lived for being a housewife, for family and daily worked to build our future, but the proverbial rug was pulled out like you had.

I also watched my dad pine for my mother for a long, long time after she abandoned him, as well. What was discovered was that it pushed her further and further away-she actually fled to another country to get away from him. He chased her for over a year, but in our agony, we don't know what we're doing and when the other person doesn't tell us what they feel, we can't know. The more he pushed, the more she fled and so on.

I can relate to wanting to appear friendly and not hostile, but look what your WW did already. I'm sorry to be blunt and am glad your kids have you to be with on weekends. I bet it will be stable for them.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 22
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