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D-day was really D-week

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Cyzygy posted 6/4/2013 06:34 AM

I found an earring in my laundry while he was on assignment with the army. So I checked his cell records and found calls.

I confronted him with those and he denied. Then I requested the text log from Sprint. Over 1000 texts to and from. He still denied.

He left for Annual Training Saturday morning and Sunday night I found the email telling her he loves her. He's still gone so he doesn't know I found that. It was sent from MY PARENTS' COMPUTER the morning my dad drove him to base!!!

He's due home in 10 days. Everyone keeps screaming, "Divorce the b@stard!" I can't rush into anything as we have a 2 and a 3 year old. Even people who have BTDT are pushing me.


What hurts even more than the betrayal is the constant lying to me like I'm an idiot. I even said that... "I'm not an idiot. It's all RIGHT THERE in black and white."

He works with her, I think she's about 20. (He's 39.)

[This message edited by Cyzygy at 6:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Ladyogilvy posted 6/4/2013 08:11 AM

Wow! I'm so sorry you had to find us but you are in the right place. People with more level heads than mine will be along soon. I'm not sure what I'd do with 10 days to think about it. It's easy for people to say kick him to the curb but with two little ones that's easier said than done. Have you found the healing library here and information on the 180? I'm thinking I might have a copy of that e-mail blown up to poster size at Staples. (surprisingly inexpensive when done in b&w on cheap paper) then I'd duct tape it in a place where he's be sure to see it. Then I would just ignore his existence. I might be generous and order "How to Help Your Wife Heal After Your Affair" and "Not Just Friends" and leave them for him to read.

Actually, that's probably much more sane and restrained than what I'd really do. I might have the e-mail posted to a billboard outside the home for him to see before he makes it in the door, yell and scream at him if he still has the balls to come in and throw the books at his head... But I don't have a great track record of behaving calm or even sane when it comes to WH and his A. Taking a calmer approach may help you feel better about yourself in the long run.

Most importantly, do what you need to do for you and those little ones to make your lives as happy and comfortable as possible. And spend lots of time here where you'll get a lot of support. If nothing else, they'll help you know you're sane when you're feeling crazy.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 8:17 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Shockedman posted 6/4/2013 09:42 AM

I feel your pain. I am on day 11 since d-day so we are in the same boat. My Cheating wife at least had the courage to tell me she is in love with her AP, but only after she was caught and after I asked her flat out. She is a complete coward. In your case, I think your Husband needs to fully commit back to you and do the NC (No Contact) That is essential in even trying to heal, if you want to. He can not be committed to trying to fix your problems, if he is not willing to do this. If he is unwilling, he still has something to hide or has unfinished business with the OP. My WW has refused to do the NC, even though she says she isn't in communication. She is a liar, so why would I believe that? I was really shocked about the A, as is everyone, but my advice is to also pay close attention to how you are treated in the aftermath. That matters A LOT. If he is truly sorry and willing to climb mountains to make it right, you might have a fighting chance with some serious MC. If he is cocky or entitled acting or trys to shift blame to you and isn't interested in the NC, you're better to reduce the amount of suffering and move on. The 180 is very helpful and empowering. Whatever you do, make sure to minimize the impact on your kids and never tell them their dad is horrible, even though he may be.

Tearsoflove posted 6/4/2013 13:12 PM

He's military and 39 years old sleeping with someone who is 20? I'd tell him flat out that if he doesn't knock it off, you will take all your evidence straight to his commander. If she's 20, she's a newbie and likely a subordinate. They'll hand him his ass with all the crap going on in the news right now just to keep from having an issue later.

Skan posted 6/4/2013 14:22 PM

Cyzgy, it may not seem like it, but these 10 days are are blessing for you, given your situation. This is time that he is NOT there, that you can think about exactly what you want, write it down, and practice saying it until it's second nature. Its time that you can use to get your ducks in a row, as it were.

Of first priority is to take care of your health. Eat, get as much rest as you can, stay hydrated. You would think that is self-evident, but when you're hit with a body/soul slam like this, you can easily forget to do all of the above. Next, look up at the left corner for the yellow box and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Lots of very good information for you. In this forum, any post that has a bulls-eye next to it is also great info. Read those posts. Keep digging up evidence. Make two copies and put on in a safe place that he can never get to.

By the time he comes back, I hope sincerely that you've seen a lawyer and found out, exactly, what your rights are for CS, SS, and property. Move all of his belongings out of your bedroom and put a lock on it. Have it sitting in hefty bags in either a spare room or the middle of the garage. Me, frankly, I'd have the divorce papers in my hand. The minute he walked in the door, it would be war. Slap the papers in his hand. Tell him that you have evidence of the affair with (APs Name). Tell him that his stuff is already packed and ready to go. Tell him that his military career is about to be ruined as you have an appointment with the base JAG in two days (bluff or not, your choice). Tell him that he has one and only one chance, right this very moment, to come clean, make his decision if he is in this marriage 100% or not. If yes, then he and you write a NC (no contact) letter/email or make a phone call to the AP telling her that the affair is over, WH is committing 100% to the marriage, and that the AP is never to contact him again. If no, then he is to remove himself from the house immediately and get ready for an immediate divorce after you see the JAG to out him to his command. And settle in for the ride because he will probably deny, downplay, try to shift focus, and otherwise worm out of his situation. This is WAR. Take no prisoners just keep repeating that you have all the proof you need (and don't tell him exactly what), he needs to make a decision right now, and that you will never be a part of a marriage with more than two people in it. It may take time, but it is an either or situation. No, he can't have time to think no, he can't say good by privately, decide now or leave.

Many BS think that by using hardball tactics like these, they will "drive away' their WS. Not true. You WS has already left you. They already have most of their body out of the door leaving you. You cannot love them or nice them back. If you could, then this site would not exist. You have to become strong and frankly, terrifying. Shock and awe, as it were. And if he stays, I still would not let him into my bedroom until at a minimum the NC was done, I had all of the passwords for all of his electronic devices, social media, etc., and he had presented me with a clean STD/HIV panel (which unfortunately, you are going to have to go in for testing for as well).

Look. Serving papers doesn't mean that you HAVE to divorce. You can stop that process at any time. But having them, and showing the WS that you are utterly determined that this affair is going to stop now Or Else, is like throwing a bucket of cold water on a screaming child. It will shock them into awareness like nothing else. (((hugs))) Please think long and hard about this. And come back often for support. We're all here for you.

movingforward13 posted 6/4/2013 15:58 PM

Print out those emails and contact his commander. He works with her? Get her demoted in rank and loss of pay... Unfortunately the same may happen for your wayward.

Look, he is sleeping with her... You need to protect yourself. Once he knows that you know, he may try to take it underground.

Cyzygy posted 6/4/2013 16:54 PM

I'm sorry, I should have been more clear. He works with her at Wal-Mart.

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