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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: *Vent* Please stop soliciting unnecessary contact!!
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Exclaimation  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently posted that I broke NC last week by taking the bait.

It was a refrained response but ego kibbles to him nonetheless.

I regretted it immediately but good god do I regret it now.

The fucker is on some sort of ego kibble bender.

DD5 received an art award at school today (proud mamma!). I didn't notice he was even there until after I sat down (away from him - thank the stars!). AOK. Had a lovely time bursting with pride for my talented little girl. He was invisible.

As he was leaving he comes over and hands me DD5s PillowPet which she took to a movie night on Fri night. He could have returned to my little one's daycare either Mon or Fri morning - or any other morning in the future. ANYTHING but in person would have suited me. I was surprised because he snuck up behind me.

Now he's sms-ing me inane questions about the Parenting Schedule which has been in place since July 2012. I answered one aspect by clarifying X happens in Cycle Week X to do with a scheduled sleepover at my mums. He comes back and asks me to clarify a completely different night of the week that there is no complexity to.

I responded that my prior response was clear and asked him to stop soliciting unnecessary contact. It will be my last response on this matter.

I suspect I should have picked the *crickets* door on the whole thing. Even the 'complexity' part of his question has been in place pretty close to Day 1.

Do I really need to refer him to my L via his L for this shit? I don't need the expense. I don't need the contact either.

PLEASE TELL ME IF I STAY ON THE WAGON HE WILL STAY INVISIBLE.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

I don't want 16 more years of this crap.

I'm dripping with envy for those of you who can walk away with no children tying you to these muppets.

D.r.i.p.p.i.n.g.

I'm chaining myself to this fucking wagon.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you did great. I want to say it was Catwoman, but someone said to treat dealings with the x like an odious, unpleasant coworker with whom you are stuck working. You answered his question, no nonsense, and closed the door to further communication on the issue.

Now, you're much further along than I am, so this could be way off base, but he still seems to be able to get to you. To me, that seems as though there's a grubby tentacle in there between you and indifference. The kind of indifference where you're irritated that you have to deal with the unpleasant coworker, but it doesn't ruin your entire day.

If he keeps asking stupid questions about the parenting plan, send a few words referring him to his lawyer (no need for yours, no changes are proposed) and crickets thereafter. No one can accuse you of being unreasonable (in front of a judge, say) with respect to coparenting, and hopefully shut down that line of questioning.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
debbysbaby
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh.

Can you post a shared online calendar and just refer him there for what is going on with the kids' schedules?


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right - what he does doesn't get to me per se, its more the fact that I have to deal with him at all that still gets to me.

I'm still struggling to accept that I am tied to him forever. I feel trapped. At the core I resent that I have to share these lovely milestones with him.

To have him pull this kind of shit on top of all that makes me want to chuck a tantrum.

I am also struggling to forgive myself for having children with him. I haven't made a lot of progress on that front. I feel guilt about this because I don't regret my girls for a single moment yet I regret who I had them with.

None of this is useful to me but its all true. The regret is so thick it tastes like black tar when I examine it.

Intellectually I KNOW I can't control his fuckery and can only control how much it impacts me. But... until I completely accept and surrender to the fact that I'm tied to him in this way AND forgive myself this logic doesn't really help me when I am forced to have contact.

I will accept and surrender. This is a tanty because I want him to be invisible all of the time and me to him too. I want to hurry up and stop with the regret as well.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@debbysbaby, He has a spreadsheet of exact dates - it has been in place from Day 1 with this 'complexity' clearly marked too.

Day 1 we agreed to adjust the agreed schedule to accommodate my mum's sleepover with them until her commitments free her to stick to the original plan (6 week cycle). She had structured her work for the last 5 years around freeing herself up every second Fri. She can't do every third Fri - only every second. If we stuck to fortnightly I'd miss out on every Saturday morning. So plan is 1st Fri will be me, 2nd Fri will be him, 3rd Fri will be mum then 4th back to me, 5th him, 6th mum. Right now mum only gets a sleepover in week 5 - all other of "my" fortnightly Fri nights in the 6 week cycle she picks them up and does dinner/bath/bed at my place and I come home at 7.30pm and she leaves - I then get to wake up to them Sat AM.

It seems like a lot of hard work just for my mum but the girls have had sleepovers with her every second Friday since DD5 was a year old and they love it.

I will definitely use that tool when their school/sports/social commitments start ramping up.

Gah. He's just yanking my chain.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 8:05 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still struggling to accept that I am tied to him forever. I feel trapped. At the core I resent that I have to share these lovely milestones with him.

To have him pull this kind of shit on top of all that makes me want to chuck a tantrum.

I am also struggling to forgive myself for having children with him. I haven't made a lot of progress on that front. I feel guilt about this because I don't regret my girls for a single moment yet I regret who I had them with.

I'm having these EXACT feelings. AND I'm pissed at the unnecessary contact lately. I agree that there must be some grubby tentacle in me somewhere since I let it bother me so much, but I just want him to leave me alone. After EVERYTHING he did, he still wants attention from me?? I'm tired of being the victim to this emotional vampire. I've got no more blood for him, and I'm tired of fighting him off from trying to take it from me..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2639 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like a prison term, doesn't it? I pray for the day when my ex-shat goes off the deep end again and disappears into the wilds of Montana.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4734 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also struggling to forgive myself for having children with him.

I have seen this sentiment posted often, and have thought about it and decide what my feelings are. To me there is no forgiveness or guilt. Without that particular sperm donor I would not have my children as they are, so I don't regret that at all, or feel any guilt about who their father is. I am sorry they have an asshole for a father, but his DNA made them part of who they are today. And they are all terrific kids (took after their mother, of course ). That is a fact that can never be changed, and I wouldn't want my children any different than who they are so there are no regrets and no forgiveness to be needed. I see it as looking for an issue that is really a non-issue, and borrowed negative emotions that no one needs.

What I am suggesting is you do not need any forgiveness because you did nothing wrong so don't beat yourself up over this. That is a personal battle you can't win and is not worth the emotional fight. I hate what POS did to me and our family, and I hate having to deal with him on any level, but his sperm donation gave me three wonderful outcomes I wouldn't change for the world! Try to put a positive spin on it to come to terms with yourself.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:10 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
SkeerdButHopeful
♀ 27541
Member # 27541
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm dripping with envy for those of you who can walk away with no children tying you to these muppets.

God, do I ever know this feeling!


Me BS45. XWH44 NPD. M 8 yrs. DD8. Dday 1/26/10. DIVORCED 5/16/11. Harassment charges twice. Judge ordered NCO for 1 yr, as well as parenting & anger mgmt classes. NCO has since expired, so harassment continues disguised as concern for DD.

Posts: 804 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: USA
ExposedNiblet
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm dripping with envy for those of you who can walk away with no children tying you to these muppets.


AMEN!

So very, very true.

You know, I used to dream of sandy beaches, ocean breezes and being served fruity cocktails by a shirtless George Clooney. Now I just dream of a muppet-free life.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still struggling to accept that I am tied to him forever. I feel trapped. At the core I resent that I have to share these lovely milestones with him.

...

I am also struggling to forgive myself for having children with him. I haven't made a lot of progress on that front. I feel guilt about this because I don't regret my girls for a single moment yet I regret who I had them with.

Oh my gosh, I am struggling with the exact, EXACT same issues. It makes my skin crawl that I was ever intimate with STBX, that I'm tied to him for the rest of my life, that I even have to think of him at all. <shudder>


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the solidarity.

I had always been open about not wanting children for fear of being a single mum.

Now I am grateful to have been so blessed as to be their mummy. Even the curse of having had them with him does not diminish that.

Yet the regret is still there - I regret it for them too. He used me to have children. He's AOK with being a part-time parent. It suits his selfish nature right down to the ground. My girls live like gypsies "Mummy's House - Daddy's House". I say home but its not for them.

I resent that I have to miss out on half of their lives. That their lives are carved up so we each get our pound of flesh.

All because of his fuckedupness and my own stupid leap of faith.

I know the answer lies in surrendering to it (I am unlikely to find a time machine) but I'm just too busy dripping with regret right now to surrender to it.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm dripping with envy for those of you who can walk away with no children tying you to these muppets.

OMG, me too!!!!!!!!!


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 13

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