SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/4/2013 07:55 AM

Is it really that bad to do? Well, I guess it would be if it is making you sink into a depression or make you unable to handle the situation at hand because you are focused on something that doesn't exist.

We've all seen it in the recon forum....about day dreaming about what it would be like with someone else...especially someone who wouldn't cheat. I think the difference for me at this point is that a month ago I would think that and get angry and ask the whys. Why couldn't you be the one? Why did you have to ruin that? All I wanted was you...why couldn't you listen to my pleas? However, now, I haven't got those angry feelings...not even sad. I know he can't be like that day dream. He not only has proven it, he has said so with his own mouth! But like this morning when I was dropping the oldest at school. I noticed a couple who always drop their kids off together. He always opens and closes the car door for her. And I started to think, wouldn't that be nice to be treated like that. Not in the women are weak kind of way. But with respect. Wouldn't it be nice to be with a man who does things for a woman because he is in love, wants only her, and wants to treat her like she is special because of who she is. And would know how to respect other women, on a different level of course, and also know how to differentiate how he should treat his wife vs. other women.

But I'm obviously wayyyyyyyyyy early in this separation/divorce process. And don't worry, I have no desire or want to go out and search for this man now. Just day dreaming, I just wonder if it is harmful even though I've detached. Should I be hyper focused on the situation at hand?

FieldsOfLavender posted 6/4/2013 08:11 AM

I also fantasize and try to visualize a time in the future when I will be happy, try to picture another man to get me through this episode in my life. Fantasizing, day dreaming is what can pull you through sometimes.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/4/2013 08:16 AM

I'm just hoping that because it doesn't make me angry at him, and want to punch him in the throat for ruining my life...and that I can think it and move on, that there isn't any harm!

ButterflyGirl posted 6/4/2013 08:49 AM

I think the day dreaming is normal and actually healthy for you. You realize that what you have is NOT normal, and that there are men out there who treat women with respect. Sometimes we get sucked in so bad that we actually think it's normal to be treated so bad, and we wonder why we aren't handling it better, when the truth is that it's not normal to be treated so bad, and there was no good reason that we should have been putting up with it..

If you were dreaming about someone "saving" you and making you feel all better about everything and taking all your pain away, I don't think that would be healthy. I'm going to try very hard to make my next relationship a healthy one where we support but don't "save" each other.

But dreaming of a man with manners? Have at it girl..

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/4/2013 08:58 AM

Can this man with manners be Alexander Skarsgard?

I'm going to give myself a pat on the back right now, though. I knew a lot of what I've been saying in my posts in this forum. But I never embraced them and or lived them. There was a block Thank you Jerkface for removing that block with your latest words and actions. When you continue to show me who you are, I believe you.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:59 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

npain posted 6/4/2013 09:28 AM

I agree that the daydreaming is healthy. It also helps keep the mind off of what is going on. It also helps us to focus on what we could have, instead of what we lost and helps move us forward.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/4/2013 09:42 AM

Can this man with manners be Alexander Skarsgard?

Oh, absolutely. Good choice

When you continue to show me who you are, I believe you.

You've been so strong. It's hard to believe them when they show you who they really are because you don't WANT them to be that person. It's so hard to accept.. But you are taking off those rose-colored glasses and seeing the reality of the situation, and you will only get stronger from here..

Hugs!!

TrustGone posted 6/4/2013 12:05 PM

Just know that when you see people like the couple at school that things are not always as they appear to be. My XWH#1 was a total ass to me for over 20+yrs and I so wanted a relationship with someone that respected me, showed me affection, etc.. Well when I met WH#2 I thought I had found the perfect guy. He called me princess and treated me like one. He always opened my car door and treated me with respect. I thought I had died and gone to heaven the first 5yrs we were together. Even when he started his LTA, he was still very good to me most of the time and I had no clue that he was involved with someone else. He never acted unhappy with me, nor did he voice any problems in our marriage. It literally rocked my world when OW called me and told me about them (engaged and her living in my home during the week while I was working out of state). WH#2 still opens my car door but now I know it's an act that he puts on to make himself look good. Everything that he did before, now I see as just an act and not really who he really is. I now know that I probably will never day dream about having a great guy again. I am sure they exist (sorry male SI members), but I wouldn't be able to pick a good one from a bad one after all this. I thought I had a prince charming when all I really had was a dirty old frog.

cletuswv posted 6/4/2013 12:36 PM

My question is why would you want to stop?

The possibility of a future where I can create the life I have dreamed about (albeit my WW will always be a part of my life bc of our kids) is how I make it through the day.

she took the possibility of R out of my control so to stave off the pain I dream about how great my future can be!

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/4/2013 12:47 PM

I guess I'm wondering if I am walking into dangerous territory. I know it's normal to think those things but if I should be actively avoiding it because at some point it will cause me pain.

Spelljean posted 6/4/2013 12:57 PM

I do this all the time!

I have an appointment next week with the legal clinic to file divorce paperwork. WH is giving me crickets still and won't acknowledge the appointment yet.

Anyway, I daydream all the time lately about a great guy who is still faceless and nameless. He is just a normal, easy going man who doesn't drink, race cars or play guitar. He is kind, sensitive, and likes to see movies, go out to nice dinners and have weekend beach getaways together.

He doesn't flirt with other women or act moody because he's bored hanging around the house because he'd rather be with his friends.

We just have a healthy relationship and have mutual respect and are relaxed and content the majority of the time.

Yes, my fantasies get even more elaborate but I think I am trying to channel my energy into a possible future fantasy man rather than stay angry every day at everything WH has become.

cletuswv posted 6/4/2013 13:54 PM

"hope" for the marriage is probably dangerous territory, but IMHO "hope" for the future is a necessary element to healing...Will the future be exactly how you imagined it?... probably not, but with a little work it will be better than your present.

[This message edited by cletuswv at 1:55 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]