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tearsofblood1 posted 6/4/2013 08:15 AM

A few things on my mind today, that i can use clarity on.

it has been two years almost since dday. in prior posts, you can read my story. mad hatter, whose affair was found out, while wife admitted to two affairs in prior to mine and recently had a revenge affair.

my first question is when does now matter more than then? my w always talks to me when she is angry as if things just happened. recently telling me that because of how reckless i was, i didnt care so why try and fix things now. she tells me she has so much anger and resentment towards me she is not sure she can get past it.

i listen and i speak to her, but mentally she sees only one way. that because i was caught, and people at her work know about things (those are her two big issues besides the a itself), that means i should go be with the op. almost two years later she is still saying this to me.

i point out that i have not even blinked at staying, that yes i was caught and yes i know people at work know as well. but the fact is, i could have easily run when i found out about her affairs, as well as the most recent one. that should count for something shouldnt it?

ive truly made a lot of positive changes in myself. and i am not the person who cheated two years ago. im wondering what else i can say or do to help her get through this. or do i just wait. we go through periods of closeness and then something triggers her and the distance she puts between us is painful to me. i never once and wont push her away for her indiscretions, i certainly have anger from them, but i dont put distance between us. its tough knowing that she clearly sees her affairs as being "better" somehow because she ended them but mine is worse because i was caught and the work thing.

im in limbo and it sucks. it is true. there cant be any true form of reconcilitaion if only on person is in it.

rachelc posted 6/4/2013 09:32 AM

Tears- I'm a MH too, with a confession on my part and I caught my husband twice. I get where she is coming from, although I don't think either is better or worse.
What WOULD make me feel better is him figuring out WHY he didn't tell me. Why didn't he turn to me? Telling your spouse you're having an affair is one if the most intimate (but yes awful) things to share. What I would like to know is "are you willing to share very intimate uncomfortable things with me now?" If not, why? If yes, how did you get to that point?

ms521 posted 6/4/2013 10:26 AM

R definitely takes two. The difficulty in a MH situation is the comparisons we're not supposed to make but can't help: as a FWW (who dug myself out of the fog and ended my brief A months before my husband found out), I am stunned and beyond confused at WH's inability to end his affairs. So I can SORT of understand your wife's anger over the fact that your A "only" ended because you got caught. This is something that tortures me repeatedly - in fact, I firmly believe WH would still be cheating on me regularly with OW2 if I hadn't discovered them back in Feb of this year. It's the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night.

That being said, my WH was tremendously hurt by the fact that I cheated "first." I can throw all the stones I want about how he never ended his affairs (I had to discover them all), but I still broke our marriage FIRST.

Which is why comparisons in a MH situation aren't constructive. The bottom line is that two people have BOTH broken promises to someone they loved. The fact that your WW is blaming what you did for her choices is about as ridiculous as if I were to hit a child for spilling milk. Let's even say the spilled milk was intentional... the choice to hit a child for the mess is still MY choice, and almost everyone will argue effectively that there are MUCH better ways for me to express my anger/displeasure over that spilled milk than striking a child. It doesn't matter how angry I am over the mess, it doesn't matter if I spent all day cleaning my kitchen. It doesn't even matter if it's the child's 3 cup of spilled milk that hour. Those might all be factors contributing to the rage and frustration I feel, but the decision to beat a child is NOT the proper solution for my out-of-control emotions.

I know your affair isn't as simple as spilled milk, but likewise - your wife's repeat choices to cheat are NOT your fault. You both have something broken inside you - something that allowed you to break promises you made. You need to work on owning yours and earning back her trust, and SHE NEEDS TO DO THE SAME FOR YOU. The fact that you cheated differently in her mind is valid and needs to be acknowledged and heard... but she also needs to acknowledge her own actions and take responsibility for herself and own the hurt she's done (or still doing!) to you.

You are a WS and therefore R requires you to be patient, transparent, understanding, and honest. But it does NOT require you to be a doormat for her wayward behavior. She is a WS too. You both are in the same boat and need to put forth the same effort for R to have any chance.


rachelc posted 6/4/2013 10:34 AM

my WH was tremendously hurt by the fact that I cheated "first." I can throw all the stones I want about how he never ended his affairs (I had to discover them all), but I still broke our marriage FIRST

yep, mine too. It gives them a sense of justification, which is really dangerous for the relationship, IMO.

Be very sure you aren't staying because you did it as well. Are you forgiving her revenge affair? These are all separate issues, you realize...

tearsofblood1 posted 6/4/2013 13:02 PM


ive seen you in the madhatter forum as well i beleive. thanks for the input.

and ms521 thank you as well.

i realize that there is a huge difference between being caught and admission. so in that respect i can understand the anger.

and my wife has said to me that she beleive id still be doing it if i wasnt caught. i have no defense. i realize that as well.

but like i explained to her recently, i am still here, and it is for the right reasons. things went sideways last summer i think because she triggered from affair memories, we briefly seperated and have since been trying more to work on us. when she is seeing the whole of the picture she is able to get close to me and we are able to feel that closeness again. when she triggers, those moments dont matter, etc etc.

and i have forgiven her for everything. for the two i never knew about until after she admitted them to me, adn the most recent one. i even wrote her a heartfelt letter explaining to her that i forgave her completely.

she just gets so narrow minded ( and i do get why, im not a fool thinking im so great now). but there comes a time to let the past be exactly that. if all i am ever going to be is what the past was, then it will not work at all. people can change.

Dare2Trust posted 6/5/2013 23:41 PM


You posted: You and your wife were separted during the Summer months - and your wife "dated" during this separation period, but you did not date or see other women.

Do you consider this "dating period" by your wife to also be "cheating" when you and she discuss her past relationships with Other Men? How do you handle this separation period when your wife was dating/seeing other men?

Personally, I think: You and your wife are must attend MC together to work out the issue of "does she want to reconcile this marriage, OR NOT?" From reading all your posts - It does not appear your wife has made this committment/decision at this point. Two years is a long, long time for you to wait for her decision - in my opinion.
It really appears: YOU are the only one in the marriage who is actually working towards "marriage reconciliation."

How long do you plan to wait for a basic decision from her?

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 11:43 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

5454real posted 6/5/2013 23:58 PM

I hope it's okay that I reply, I am just curious as to why you feel that being caught is worse than her lying about her affairs for years? I get the feeling from your post that she is using your guilt in a game of one upmanship.

IMHO, neither is better than the other. You are showing/feeling remorse. Do you really see it in her?


hardlessons posted 6/6/2013 00:07 AM

5454, your on to something. It is about our choices, period. RA/A/caught/confessed/whateva all start with a choice. Tears clear out all the BS of who did what when how. The question IMO who is making the right choices. In R 2 people need to make a majority of the right choice for it to work, sounds like she is in full wayward mode. That is her choice. Can't do anything about that.

tearsofblood1 posted 6/6/2013 06:48 AM

not really sure how much longer i will be working on the reconcilliation at this point.

her dating period was not cheating in a sense but in march that just past i do consider it cheating.

i do not see any remorse from her at all.

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