Background - my husband and I have been married for almost 11 years, and we have 2 kids, aged 6 and 4. Our 6 year old was recently diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. I am a stay at home mom.
Yesterday I caught my husband red handed on an explicit adult dating site on his cell phone. He tried to say he was just chatting with people, but after I got his phone away from him, I saw that he was chatting with women and posted a graphic photo of himself. His profile said he was interested in meeting up with someone for something discreet, and posted a link to a yahoo email account. I made him log into the email account and saw he was chatting with a local 20 year old, but it was clear this was their first conversation.
The whole time he was apologizing profusely and swearing that was all, nothing happened. Then I find in his conversation that he has an account on another adult dating website. I made him log into that account and saw he had various "friends" locally and from another state that he traveled to twice in the last month for work. He again sweared that was all.
Then at this point I found a second secret email address. I found two messages with girls in the other state. One of them he was asking if she wanted to meet up for drinks while he was there. At this point I am near hysterical, certain that he has cheated on me. I told him to leave, I felt like this was the end of our relationship. He didn't leave, just kept apologizing and begging me to forgive him. He said he loved me and couldn't bear losing me. I told him I didn't know if I could ever trust him again, because he keeps lying, saying that's all, and then I find out more.
Then he admitted he has yet another secret email account, and memberships to 2 more websites and between them, literally over 100 messages to girls asking if someone wanted to hook up that night (while he was out of state), and explicit messages on what he wanted to do with them. There were very few that actually responded, and the ones that did looked like they never got beyond a couple of messages.
After I felt like I had seen enough, he then deleted membership to all the websites and allowed me access to all the email accounts and told me to change the passwords so he can't access them.
When asked why, he said that our love life wasn't as good as it used to be and he had urges that he felt were out of his control. He also said that because I was the only woman he had ever been with, he wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone else. Also, he said he had been having a hard time coming to terms with our 6 year old's diagnosis.
He swears he never met anyone in person, and I think I believe him, but I'm not totally sure what to believe. He is admitting that he was wrong and said he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage. He said he was going to call a therapist today. And promises to be a better husband and dad.
I made him sleep in the guest bedroom last night and woke up to a long apology letter.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to forgive him and move on to repairing things, but I feel like our relationship is so damaged now, and I don't know if I will ever be able to see past it.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because I don't necessarily want anyone to know. I guess that's why I'm here.
[This message edited by betrayed05 at 8:57 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
My story is very similar to yours. My WS is still in the fog and hasn't told me anything that I did not confront him with already.
I understand and feel your pain,others with more knowledge and clearer emotions will be able to point you in the right direction on this journey.
So sorry you are here but know that you are among people who know your pain and understand.
I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do.
I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better. It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.
Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here.
You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it. This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.
Your WH's decision to cheat (and even if it is only EA - it is cheating) has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity.
When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!
Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation.
Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it! Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.
I would probe on no physical contact. With that many invitations to meet other women - it is hard logically to digest that he NEVER met up with any of them. Did he meet the girl for drinks?
It is still very raw and very new for you. Look up articles in the healing library. Be prepared for additional revelations. Trickle truth is very common.
We are rooting for you. Don't feel pressured to make any decisions today. You don't have to decide to stay or to go. Take it one day at a time.
Good luck. Sending hugs
You can not believe a word he says. Right now he is in panic mode..he's just been caught. he is going to lie and minimize what he has done..and he HAS cheated on you...physical contact is only one way of cheating.
Get tested for STD's right away,and insist he do the same...no sex until he does..and the doctor sends YOU the results.
Tell him he has to take a polygraph as a condition of R. If he refuses,he's lying. If he says ok,go through with it.
What is he going to do to show he wants to R?
He will need to go to IC to determine why he did this..and it goes way beyond 'I didnt feel loved" and "I was selfish."
He will need to be 100% honest at all times.
He will need to answer your questions without being defensive or angry or blaming you.
He will need to be remorsefull.not regretful,that's not the same thing.
He will need to be fully transparent...you get full access to all of his accounts and cell,including passwords.
He needs to understand it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..and that's with a remorseful spouse,and no new information coming out. he has just put you in the front seat of an emotional rollercoaster...he better buckle up.
Put a VAR in his car and a keylogger on his computer,so you can be sure he's not cheating anymore...do NOT tell him about these things.
Don't trust anything he says right now..you need to protect yourself.
[This message edited by confused615 at 10:20 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I had the luxury of reading each and every message in my H's secret email account at my leisure and forwarding some of them to my email account for evidence if needed. My H was out of the house when I found the email account.... I wasn't looking for it, he left it open on the household computer when he went to work that day. Oops.
During my several hours of reading, I found one thing kinda odd. All the emails made it look like nothing had ever happened either. There were lots of "I would like to do this and that", and "can you host because I can't" (which means can we meet at your place because my wife is at mine), there were lots of "I'm into this and that, what are you into", but nothing about "hey, last night was great, when can we meet again" or anything remotely close to that. So I was pretty confident by those emails that he hadn't met anyone either.... until I confronted him and he confessed to having sex with 3 of them. He told me that once he hooked up with one, he would delete EVERY email that that person sent to him, and that he'd sent to them. He wanted no trace of anything that would be concrete proof that it happened. He didn't throw away the fishing attempts or the "get to know what you like" emails because he still had a shot with those ones and he wanted to remember what they were into so they thought he remembered them.
All that to say, please don't believe all that you read (or didn't read) in those emails, and definitely don't believe the guy who's proven himself to be a liar and a cheater. Get yourself STD tested ASAP! You have to ask specifically for Herpes, and make your WH get tested ASAP as well.
Also, don't be surprised if he does confess to some things right now, and then later he confesses to more. It's called trickle truth, or TT, and it's completely common and typical of the WS to do. They want to deliver the truth in drips and drabs to save their butt, they think if they spill all the truth out too soon that the BS won't be able to deal with it all and will just walk. So they spit out the truth little by little, all the while telling the BS "that's it, there's nothing more" and then they tell you more. It makes it impossible to believe them. Mine TT'ed me at 5 months out, turns out there was a 4th woman that he was seeing for 18 months... not just a bunch of ONS's (one night stands) like he told me to begin with. Oh, and he ended up giving me Herpes too, yeah!
It is easy to be charming when you are not dealing with the every day irritations of leaking roofs and noisy kids.
The excitement that they feel for this person is based on romantic idealization, whereas your marriage is based on reality.
Furthermore, stable long-term relationships are seldom as exciting as Stage I relationships. Fireworks fade and are replaced with stability and commitment and hopefully true love.
You have to ask yourself what does your husband's online search for companionship and romance indicate about your marriage?
Be strong for yourself and your children. You deserve the truth and you deserve to be treated with honor and respect.
I am another who caught my FWH having internet sex, porn, chats, up on adult sites, etc. I never found evidence of an A. However, when I confronted him on DDay, it was evident that he either told all or he was leaving and I was divorcing him, so I was fortunate(?) enough that he told me immediately that he had had a ONS with someone. I didn't find that out thru my search and likely, I would never have known had he not confessed it. So please, don't feel that your instinct that he is being untruthful is wrong. Unfortunately it is MORE than likely that he did screw someone.
And remember, you were under the Exact Same Stresses that he was, and you managed to keep from seeking solace outside of your marriage. So his reasons are bull. There were stressors in the marriage and part of the stressors might have been on you, but the EA/possible PA is all on him. Unless he figures out (hopefully with counciling) why he felt that this was OK, it's likely to happen again the next time he feels stressed. He needs to get to the bottom of WHY he did what he did and WHY he felt that it was an appropriate way to handle things.
If you haven't already, take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading there is a lot of good information for you there. Also, any post on this forum that has a bulls-eye on it is also good reading. And keep coming back for support. We're here for you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
One thing that is utter and complete bullshit is this
This is life and he couldn't handle it so he went out searching for other women to screw? Wow, what happens in another few years when you've got teenagers and other life stresses? He needs IC to figure out why he chose to deal with it by acting out instead of reaching out to you, his partner in all this.
((hugs)) Hang in there!
This is about HIM. And HE will need to dig very, very deep to get to the root of it and become a safe partner for you.
In the meantime, STD testing, and protected sex only (including oral; that's how I was infected) until you've had the recommended number of follow-up tests. (Your doctor will recommend repeat testing at intervals. And unless you are 400 percent sure your husband has been faithful the WHOLE TIME from your first test onward, they recommend you just routinely test and continue to use condoms. With a man with your husband's proclivities, that may prove a long-term venture, unfortunately.)
I am SO sorry for your pain. My husband was "online only" too. Only he wasn't. He had sex with VERY high risk partners.
If your husband was on adult sites, there is a HUGE chance he's acted out physically. The "wanna hook up tonight" messages while out of town demonstrate remarkable comfort with the behavior, and suggest that he has been more active than he admits.
This trickle of truth (I hate calling it that, because it really amounts to prolonged lying) is typical of newly-discovered cheaters.
Be careful. With your body and your heart.
I genuinely hope your husband is committed to R, and becomes transparent and remorseful (as opposed to freaked out he was caught). I truly hope you get what you need from him.
We'll be here, no matter what happens.
Millions of hugs to you.
He abandons family, connections, reason, logic, and all other relationships to be some single, obnoxious, predatory Lothario who is somehow preferrable to being an adored father and husband.
I'm so sorry you're here. I'm so sorry you are learning things about your husband that you won't be able to unlearn ever again. I'm so sorry you're in that place - the place we've all been in here - where the person you love, who you thought you knew better than anyone, suddenly isn't really there anymore.
It's such a shock, it's easy to try to define it as all a "big mistake" and that you must be wrong in what you're seeing. You want so badly to hold onto the person you thought you knew, that you end up justifying and helping diminish the terrible things being revealed right in front of you.
If he is truly remorseful, if he really loves you more than he loves the buzz he gets off of those deceitful relationships, you can work through this. Couples have successful reconciliations - but it does take both. Look in The Healing Library to understand a lot of the acronyms and steps that need to happen.
You have to have full transparency. It usually takes awhile to get it, honestly. Even people that want to commit to their relationships tend to think the details "will only hurt their spouse/SO more" and will minimize or lie. This can't happen. There has to be complete honesty, no matter what.
It will be hard to insist on it, when you're already so raw, so in shock, when you already know way more ugly things about your husband than you ever wanted to know, but you have to get the full picture. You have to have all the information to make an informed decision.
All my best wishes for you, Betrayed. On-line is so hard because so much of it is intangible - "They're choosing something that doesn't even exist/strangers over me/us?!" It's also so hard because it's so accessible. They can cheat on you sitting next to you, in bed with you, in the same room as the kids. It doesn't take going to a strip club or arranging clandestine in person meetings. It can happen anywhere.
He needs to see consequences - real in life consequences. Don't let him soothe himself with leaning on you. He has to be accountable. You need to see how willing he is to be accountable for not only his choices, but the pain you are suffering because of it.
To clarify...
My comment re: the marriage was meant to imply his lack of commitment and ability to communicate with his wife.
Of course his horrible choices had nothing to do with her. All his to own. As I stated in my first response.
Sorry for any confusion
He abandons family, connections, reason, logic, and all other relationships to be some single, obnoxious, predatory Lothario who is somehow preferable to being an adored father and husband.
Since I'm the only one with access to his once secret email accounts, I've been checking them and waiting to see if any new messages have come in, and so far nothing. He is still adamant that he never met anyone in person and is (seemingly) answering any questions I've been throwing at him.
I told him yesterday that I was giving him a chance to tell me anything else I haven't found out already, and if I found out anything beyond that point (and I WOULD find out, or at least I tried to make him believe) that I would immediately take steps to divorce him. He is standing by his statement that it never went outside the internet.
We spoke during the day today and he asked if I was willing to stay and try to make things work. I told him I still wasn't sure and that seemed to really make things sink in for him.
He came home from work and on the brink of tears, asked if he could have a hug. I told him I wasn't ready yet and he was fighting tears. He then went to our kids and sat down to play with them and started sobbing hysterically. I told him the kids shouldn't be seeing him like that, so he went to our bedroom and cried for quite a while.
He said he'll do whatever it takes to make things right, figure out why he did what he did, and rebuild my trust. I think I am going to try, and I know it will take time. I just hope I'm not being naive, and get burned again.
In the meantime I'm still making him sleep in the guest bedroom, and I'm certainly not having any physical relations with him.
The advice you've gotten is sound - just because the emails appear to have gone nowhere doesn't mean he never met up with anyone. Someone with THAT many pokers in the fire is working very, very hard to make his fantasy a reality. And once they get to the phone call/meeting stage, rarely do they go back to email to continue conducting their dirty business.
Very wise to make him go for STD screening (and yourself, as well).
Right now, not admitting to anything keeps him married and in the marital home. Admitting anything physical will get him kicked out. So of course he's going to choose your option and gamble on you never finding out.
I don't believe him at all and I think unfortunately, you'll find out more information as time goes by.
Wishing you strength.
One thing I did that resulted in me finding out about the other OW that H "forgot" to tell me about on DDay was log onto the chat feature for the secret email account. It was a yahoo account, so I just logged onto the chat function and placed myself as "available" to chat. Within 2 days I had women contacting me thinking I was him. I played along like I was him, and just said things like "I'm sorry, I'm having a really rough day, remind me how we know each other" or "my memory is having a hard time separating fact from fantasy right now, did we ever hook up or was I just dreaming", things like that. The women all told me exactly how they "knew" my H because they thought they were talking to him. Worked like a charm, made me want to vomit while doing it though.
Take care, eat, drink, sleep as much as you can whenever you feel the need. It will be ok, no matter what happens, it will be ok in the end.
ETA: It's completely common for the BS to give the WS the "get out of jail free card" like you did.... tell me what I need to know now or I'll make it worse on you later if I find out. It's also completely common for the WS to not confess to anything additional at all. It's also common for the WS to swear on things that would make you THINK they are telling the truth, i.e. "I swear on my mother's grave" or "I swear on our child's life", etc. and for it to still be a lie. They want you to believe them, so they swear on sacred things, which just makes me sicker. So don't be so comfortable just because he swore it was so. He's a liar, believe nothing he says unless YOU can prove it.
[This message edited by doesitgetbetter at 11:49 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
