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Newest Member: Else (61873)

User Topic: Too much SI?
♀ 37351
Member # 37351
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I were discussing whether or not there is a time to move on from this site. We are 7 months post D-day and working so hard at R. Both of us in IC and MC.
He thinks IC and MC are the best people to help us at this point as they are professional therapists.
No disrespect to anyone here.
I feel that the people here on the site are the ones that can relate, because they have actually been through this nightmare and some have even survived.
I guess he thinks there are more raw hurt stories than positive R stories and that it can't help me heal to read them.
Any input would be appreciated.

BS:Me 50
D-Day Oct 20,2012
TT until final disclosure Dec 21, 2012 at polygraph.
Married 24 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Ontario
♀ 39181
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel it's more helpful or hurtful to you and your relationship?

Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
♂ 36796
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have wondered this question, but came to the conclusion that I take what I want from SI.

We were solidly into R and most of my time spent on SI is for venting or searching for helpful posts that back my conclusions (or give opposing advice). I'm a big boy and can filter out the comments that are far from my own situation. I'm sure everyone means well but it's hard to gauge a situation based on one post.

SI has helped me so much and both my fWW and I both look at it daily, but it adds to the actions we are doing in R. It solidifies the courses of action that we are taking and/or offers us a chance to vent in a healthy way.

I don't plan to leave, but the number of posts I read has decreased.

D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/2 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 568 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband felt the same way that reading and posting were only adding to my triggers.

Perhaps. Don't know. But I do know that I wish I had found this site earlier.

I was 12 months post DDAY and still struggling.

There are so many things I wish I had known those first 12 months. Feel like I was navigating this all alone.

So now, it is part therapy for me. To hopefully help others and to be reassured that we are not alone in our journey of recovery.

If you still find peace here then I would say still come. If your husband does not, then he doesn't have to.

You are healing together yet are still two separate people who will find inspiration in different ways.

Good luck to you both. May God bless you on your journey of healthy healing.

Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the first couple of years my involvement was looking for support and ideas, and waxed and waned as an inverse reflection of how I was doing. Later, my involvement has been offering support and advice, and waxes and wanes in proportion to how busy I am IRL.

I found SI to be at least as important to my healing as our IC/MC, and I feel we had an excellant IC/MC.

Over time I have noticed I have drifted out of the JFO and General, and spendf more time in R and ICR.

dday 10.5.09

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a site for support for those dealing with infidelity. No,not all of the stories here have a happy ending. But we understand. We understand the pain of betrayal,and how hard it is to R.

If you like it here,stay. WH doesn't get to decide what you do to heal yourself.

I love SI. It is one of the only places I can 'go" that I feel normal. Most of the time I feel like what WH has done has made me "different" than other people. Here on SI I feel's's home.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see it as a one(xC) or the other (SI) at all. Professional counseling works one way. Peer counseling - that's how I view SI - works another. Among other things, you can use the experience of one as a check and balance on the other.

At C's best, IC/MC is confrontation by an insightful, sensitive person who sees all of you IRL. That can be very powerful, but it's limited to working with one person with one set of experiences. At SI's best, we provide feedback and confrontation based on a very wide variety of experiences based on what you post. Both can be really, really valuable, depending on what you want and need at a particular moment.

As others have written, the important thing is what you decide works for you. Making that decision may require experimentation, so keep in mind that you can take one path, see how it goes, and move to another path if you want to. You've got the power - enjoy it.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17113 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess he thinks there are more raw hurt stories than positive R stories and that it can't help me heal to read them.

Has he read the Positive Reconciliation Stories sticky thread?

Posts: 50946 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 37932
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see what you mean to a point. I took a 2 month break during the beginning of this because it seemed to trigger me more. Then I came back because for me it isn't just about what I can get here, it's what I can possibly give back.
I only wish I had known about this place 2 years ago when I knew there was something wrong in my marriage but didn't want to believe he was really cheating.
Take what you need and leave the rest, it's up to YOU on how you choose to heal, not him.

ME-BS 48
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
♀ 27105
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI can help you through different stages of your healing, whether or not you R.

At first, it was a wonderful place to vent, get support, learn. Then I found I needed a break to regroup because it was triggering me. I guess I needed the emotional break, but the healing needed to go further.

Now, when I come on and read stories that others share, it helps me to see MYSELF. It's funny, when you read someone else's story and you think what they should do, and you get an "aha" moment when you see your own story. It gives perspective.

Also, coming here as you are healing, you can help others as they have helped you when you were so raw.

Posts: 2214 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only you can answer this question: Is SI impacting your healing in a bad way? If yes, then step away--temporarily or permanently. If not, I would dig deeper into why your H feels it's bad for you, because it sounds controlling to me.

Couples who are soundly in R are an invaluable resource to this site. They give a different perspective to the people who are new and in pain. They encourage couples who are trying to R and hand out 2x4s when someone starts to go off the rails.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you are saying. I feel it depends on your intentions and what you allow yourself to get caught up in. I know that as a BS you often obsess about the A. I went through a time period where I would obsess over the stories on this site and was on it all the time. I feel that sometimes by doing so you allow the A to have a stronger hold on you. You get that jolt of emotins triggered by other stories. I feel that most of us on here are trapped at some point just trying to make sense of all this. You have to see what it is for you. I looked at the days I found myelf the most happy and not triggering and often those were days I was not on SI. I took a break for a bit. I usually only come back here now to post about things that are positive or things that are meaningful. I try and stay away from the stories of imense pain. You see, alot of people are at different stages of R. No 2 stories the same. So people at the begining can bring you back to those early feelings. People still being betrayed can make you think... "What if I am still being lied to" Its all what you take from it. I decided I want to focus my life on the positive. So I don't come on here as much. I actually only came on here today to write a positive post.

ME-BS 34
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The great thing about SI is to take what you need and leave the rest.

Can you get depressed over the failed relationships, yes!!

Can you gain strength from the positive stories, yes!!

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As said above, it's up to you what you need to heal and you can step away for awhile and then come back, if you want. You are in the driver's seat.

IC was helpful for me but SI is the place I learned patience. Patience with me and my need to grieve, be angry and slowly heal...patience to see if H could change.......if his actions would line up with his words.....patience throughout the R process with it's ups and downs.

Without SI I would never have learned that reconciliation is a process that takes time and hard work. Seeing other's stories and experiences enabled me to look realistically at how we were progressing and prepared me for what might happen as we continue to move further away from Dday.

When it comes to healing, you are your own best what works for you.

BS Me 63
WS Him 64
Married 35
Together 41
DD 11/16/09
I can dwell in the negative or seek the road is lonely...the other teeming with life.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI is the place I learned patience.


Our d-day was in October and we "graduated" from MC in December. Without SI I would have been adrift in a sea of total confusion. I thought since we graduated we (I) was supposed to be happy and recovered. Without SI I never would have learned that my feelings were normal and ok.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
♀ 35726
Member # 35726
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't checked in here in a while, and think I am probably done with the site for the most part.

When I needed support when I first found out I got it. When we had rough days and I felt like I was dying I got sympathy.

But I haven't gotten any support and encouragement now that we are doing great again. My last post was all positives about how H and I had renewed our wedding vows and were doing so well. No comments. no anything. I sort of thought that I'd get some excitement and someone to share my happiness from the people here. Because you guys are the only one who knows how much crap I've gone through to get here. You know, because you've been there.

I think this is a good place for support when you need it the most, when your world has crumbled. It is nice to know you are not alone.

But now I do sort of feel alone in making my marriage work again, and living in a happy marriage with this really awful chapter in it. Yes, there is a sticky with some stories. But it isn't what people are talking about. There are very few threads focused on happy marriages, even here in the R forum.

So yeah, I sort of agree with your H that once you have other, positive, support and you two are on the same team again, SI might not be as beneficial.

Me: BW

Posts: 252 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about this a lot. The way I personally see it is this: A therapist has much value (if they are a GOOD therapist!) in that they have all the theory down pat. They understand the deeper working of the mind and will see things with a perspective that the layman often doesn't. The people on SI understand what it FEELS like to be a BS/WS. They have been there, done that. They understand exactly what you are going through.

It's like a male gynaecologist being at the birth of a child... he has all the knowledge and can help you through a crisis. On the other hand, your mother or friend who has actually GIVEN BIRTH is an enormous support to you, because she has BEEN there, she knows how it FEELS in a way the gynae never will. BOTH are valuable people to have around at that moment!

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 22yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My last post was all positives about how H and I had renewed our wedding vows and were doing so well

I haven't been on here in a while because things are going pretty well and life has been busy-- which is good!

Where is the vow renewal? Your last post was very generic and you did get a response.

Often in R you just don't get 15 pages of responses - unless the R is tanking because of an unremorseful WS or the OP won't back off.

Hang in there... we do care.

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥

Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Topic Posts: 18

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