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How do you see marriage vows now?

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Undone1 posted 6/4/2013 09:59 AM

I am struggling to understand the vows that we both took and then he broke. In looking back at our marriage, I still see pain, a broken promise, and a marriage riddled with infidelity. My fWH says that he is sad that I cannot see any happiness that we shared in our wedding day or in our 10 years together. Looking at pictures is hard. Our wedding day was great, but I think of it only as a day that he said he would be faithful and broke that vow to me. (He also had sex with the OW in our special town where we were married.)

That marriage is dead to me right now. How have others coped with this?

twodoves posted 6/4/2013 10:12 AM

At some point we will be renewing our vows with vows we have written ourselves.

To me, the vows we took on our wedding day were irrevocably broken. When (and if) i get to the point where i want to recommit myself to him, we will renew our vows to give our marriage a new beginning.

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 10:23 AM

I'm coming to terms with the memories being tainted in all honesty. My fWS finds it tragic that I can't look at wedding photos without a grimace or feeling nothing bu sadness. It was a beuatiful, perfect, magical day, but it was a day where she made solemn promises before family and friends, and then broke them. I struggle with that, and in fairness so does she. she can't believe what she did any more than I can, even though we now both have a very good grasp of "why".

I don't think we will be renewing our vows, even though we've toyed with the idea from time to time. Promises like that seem to mean nothing to me now because they are clearly so easily forgotten or ignored if one wants to forget or ignore them. I appreciate the nihilistic aspect of that, but there you go. I don't try to be a good husband because I promised to be. I try to be a good husband because it's the right thing to do. I would rather be honoured in tiny ways each day than made a grand gesture which is consigned to photo frames and facebook.

I don't care what my wife says she will be. I care about what my wife is on a day to day basis. I don't care about what she vows to do. I care about what she does.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 10:29 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 6/4/2013 10:25 AM

I don't feel married anymore. He broke those vows when he cheated...and continued to damage the marriage with TT and lies and basically shitty behavior.

Our anniversary is next Saturday..he wants to do something to celebrate. Celebrate what,is what I want to know. Our marriage didn't mean anything to him a few years ago..but he wants to celebrate.

SoVerySadNow posted 6/4/2013 10:33 AM

I don't think we will be renewing our vows, even though we've toyed with the idea from time to time. Promises like that seem to mean nothing to me now because they are clearly so easily forgotten or ignored if one wants to forget or ignore them

I feel like this too. I don't feel married-can't imagine wasting breath on renewing vows. WH would like to. I'd like him to not have cheated.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/4/2013 10:39 AM

I do feel married still and I have kept my vows. Obviously, they were just words to my FWH, although I do believe on that day his intentions were good and he planned on keeping the vows.

I will not be renewing our vows. I have kept mine, nothing to renew. FWH obviously has no problem breaking vows/promises. Why would a second time make it more meaningful or less likely to break when I believe his initial intentions were to never break them? *shrugs*

sisoon posted 6/4/2013 10:41 AM

I can't make a lot of sense in answering this question. Vows and commitments are very important to me.

For me, the original vows remain valid. I won't be part of renewing vows, because IMO that would somehow invalidate the original ones and give my W a pass. That's my choice - YMMV.

I just have to live with my W's violating her vows, and that's very hard to do.

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 10:42 AM

I will not be renewing our vows. I have kept mine, nothing to renew. FWH obviously has no problem breaking vows/promises. Why would a second time make it more meaningful or less likely to break when I believe his initial intentions were to never break them? *shrugs*

that's pretty much where I am tbh. I remain confident about our marriage because of her actions, not her words. I'm sure the same is true of her.

huRtZ413 posted 6/4/2013 10:46 AM

They mean alot to me ! i kept it . FWH meant it at the time and loss sight of them for whatever reason ..and quickly regretted it and i told him forget the vows they mean nothing now and he fought it so hard and said yes he broke them ,but is recommitted to it and that i can not tell him to forget it because he wants them back and he will live by them and prove to me soooo....yeah they mean something and i guess now the have a new meaning to him

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 10:47 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Tred posted 6/4/2013 10:49 AM

Pretty much agree with SMS. Not only did my wife break our marriage vows, she broke a promise she made to me years after we were married to divorce me before cheating on me (yeah, I probably saw it coming). Why would I put any hope that she would remain true to any future vows?

loveisareddress posted 6/4/2013 10:53 AM

Why do people have to renew their vows?

Have the vows changed?

Did they not really mean it the first time and want to get it right by doing it over?

I kept my vows. I did it right the first time.

I'm not doing it again because he was too much of a dirtbag to keep up with me. If he wants to make these vows again, he can do it with someone else.

Uneek posted 6/4/2013 12:36 PM

I want a reaffirmation of vows once we make it through all this and are in a better place. No, they didn't expire, but clearly we lost sight of the vow/commitment we made (madhatters) and I feel like a reaffirmation is a way of saying "I remember what I promised you. I'm sorry I screwed up but I have recommited to this."

That doesn't mean either of us gets a pass for what we did. It's not about "easier to ask forgiveness than permission," it's not a bandaid fix or a reward or anything like that. But sometimes when you get through something really difficult, it's good to recognize how far you've come, and I'd like to do that with a vow reaffirmation. Not something big and public, just the two of us would be fine, but a formal profession of our renewed commitment to each other.

As far as the vows - we have a framed piece of art in our home that is our vows and all of our guests signatures. I took it down and made it face the wall the other night. I'm not ready to put it back up yet. I'm not sure what that says about me.

Sue1964 posted 6/4/2013 12:43 PM

I see a total waste of time and would never do again.

Lucky posted 6/4/2013 12:54 PM

I'm the BS and broke far more vows than Mr Lucky ever did.

When we renewed our vows it was as much as a family commitment, our kids were 18 & 15 at the time, as it was a strong affirmation for R.

We also wrote our own new vows which had far more meaning than the vows we had taken all those years ago.

heforgotme posted 6/4/2013 13:14 PM

In all honesty I don't really feel married right now. As far as I'm concerned, when he did this he broke the marriage "contract" and therefore the marriage is no more.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but this is how I feel.

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 13:21 PM


struggling16 posted 6/4/2013 13:25 PM

He proved they were meaningless.

I have kept my vows. As far as I'm concerned, his vows were utter garbage and I regret buying the whole M propaganda in the first place.

spinningwheel posted 6/4/2013 14:38 PM

Marriage vows still mean to me what they meant 25 years ago when we made them. A covenant relationship between a couple and God.

I truly believed vows meant the same thing to him as they did to me. Sadly, I was wrong.

He says he's in agreement with me now. I hope I'm not wrong in choosing to extend a little trust in that.

If we succeed with Reconciliation, I would insist on new vows.

numb&dumb posted 6/4/2013 14:43 PM

Not to dismiss the validity of vows for anyone, but in looking at them, they are just words. I will have a hard time believing any words from most people for a long time. Right, wrong or indifferent it is just another crappy outcome of this.

I have adopted the approach that words people speak aren't always true and I don't want to live my life trying to figure out which ones are false. If there is one you ought to be able to believe it is words in a fancy ceremony in a church with people watching. Words can be untrue, nebulous or even outright lies.

I do watch actions.

I may have taken that a little far, but hey, the way I deal and my .02.

MUFan posted 6/4/2013 14:47 PM

I have never cheated on fWH but I have broken the vows of forsaking all others. I have put my children before him many many times. He broke his vows before he ever cheated. Every time he put friends, family, church, ministry ahead of me and my needs, the vows were broken.
This realization has helped me immensely although I realized he has betrayed me more than just the once.
I want to renew vows when I know we are fully reconciled. Not sure when that will be, but I know we will get there.

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