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Cyzygy posted 6/4/2013 11:28 AM

Here's how D-day happened for me: A couple of weeks ago I found an earring in my laundry so I checked phone logs. He denied and denied over several days.

I got the text log from Sprint. Over 1000 texts. He still denied and denied.

He left for Annual Training with the Army this past Saturday. On Sunday I found the email saying he loves her. It was sent Saturday morning.

I've been talking to a priest friend and he wants to speak with WH upon his return and gauge the possibility of R. (Obviously he would have to come clean.)

If you are R, was there initial denial? How long did it take your WS to participate in/ask for R? Immediately upon discovery?
Or if there is initial denial is there just no hope of R?

Mack9512 posted 6/4/2013 11:49 AM

Sorry you are here Cyzygy.

My 1st DDay was back in Sept 2012. There were 4 ddays following that. My fwH kept on tting, blame shifting and rewriting the marital history until until I was willing to throw him away. We had been separated off and on for 6 months and at the point where true R happened we were on week 7 of the latest separation...the longest ever. I completely wiped my house clean of him, with the exception of my DD's room, and left everyone on the front porch or in the garage for him to take whenever he come to pick up DD. I was completely NC and doing a hard 180. He broke down and begged for R.

I took him back with a long list of boundaries and only one consequence of immediate D if he broke any of them.

The MOW wouldn't let go for a while and both of them agreed to one final f**k for "old times sake"; got caught and the proverbial shit hit the fan.

I immediately started on upholding my consequences and got all of the ppwk and whatnot ready for my attorney. However we both took a day off from work (actually I told him that if he wasn't at our house when I got him we were done) and talked for 5 or 6 hours straight. He knew that I was ready to leave him for good. He also knew that I didn't need him. The ONLY reason that I didn't file for D was because I/we made a promise to our DD. I stayed in the M for her and he had to do whatever was necessary to make me want to stay for the M and not just my DD.

It has been slow going and there have been some shaky days but with work from both of us (more for him) we are solidly in R and enjoying each other again. All of our other attempts at R never worked because he wasn’t fully invested and completely remorseful. Until that happened there really isn’t any point of trying, IMHO.

So to answer your question…for my fwH and I, it has taken 5 months of hell and 3 months of hard work to get to where we are now.


getting_stronger posted 6/4/2013 11:49 AM

I've been through a few different EA's. My WH has always denied at first, but when confronted with the truth, he confessed and dropped the OW immediately.

I'm going through this now (DD was one week ago). I immediately asked him about the phone number, and this time he didn't lie. He admitted who it was, and promptly said he wanted a divorce. That's never happened before. I spent this entire week preparing for what was happening, but still in shock. He then changed his mind and said he didn't know what he wanted, while keeping in contact with her.

He broke down last night, 6 days after I found out, and told me how sorry he was. Confessed things that he had always lied about and came completely clean about everything. He has never once done that before.

You mentioned a priest friend, which makes me assume you all are Christians. I immediately turned to my church. And it happened to be a conversation that he had with one of his close friend's wife (we attend church with them) that broke him and made him see what he was doing. He had talked to his friend, and a few other people from our church, including our pastor. But the conversation with his friends wife was what turned him around.

So don't automatically assume he won't want to R if he doesn't suggest it. I'm sure things will be different when you actually confront him.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/4/2013 11:51 AM

I got an admission of inappropriate communication at dday (nothing more than I had proof for). I got 5 months of lies and half truths until admission of PA. After that I got 5 more months of half truths and lies until a full admission of broken NC and 3 previous A's.

She asked for another chance at dday and i gave her a year. We started working on R and rebuilding our relationship since dday. All of that work was not wasted. I believe that that work is what made complete honesty possible. I was a torturous 10 months though.

You don't need to deside to R right away. You can watch his behaviors before making a decision.

You should read the healing library in the box on the upper left of the page. You should also read a few threads in Just Found Out:
Before you say Reconcile
Tactical Primer
Great post for newbies
They should all be in the first few pages. They all have bullseye markers.

You should also print out and give to your husband from wayward:
Things every WS needs to know.

Keep reading and posting and take care of yourself.

Cyzygy posted 6/4/2013 11:56 AM

I guess my point is I've confronted several times and he still denies even speaking/ texting with anyone. I've said, "It's right there in black and white." He just says whatever and tells me to drop it.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/4/2013 12:12 PM


Read about it in the healing library.

catlover50 posted 6/4/2013 12:49 PM

So sorry Cysygy. That is Cheater 101. I would venture to say that most of us here have been through that. Cheaters have gotten so used to lying that it seems to be hard to stop. My fWH lied to me for over 6 years. When he finally broke down and said "no more lies" it was like he became a new person. (actually some things he had been lying about for 16 years). He would ONLY admit to what I had absolute proof for initially. Now he will tell me anything.

Now if your H won't even admit to something you have in black and white that makes it tough. Remember that old song "it wasn't me"? where the guy tries to tell his girlfriend that she couldn't even believe her own eyes? That's called gaslighting and it is also common. It will make you crazy.

Sometimes only the threat of losing everything will wake up the WS, and sometimes not even then.

Best of luck.

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