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Mediation or court?

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Dawn58 posted 6/4/2013 12:03 PM

I know my thinking is not clear. I am not sleeping well. I am extremely emotional, still.

My question is - at some point in the next few months, mediation will start. How the hell am I suppose to make a decision about that?? The thought of negotiating back and forth with him is abhorrent to me. There was no negotiations when he decided to screw the skank. He single handedly ended the marriage. So, now I have to negotiate with him??? I think he wants to mediate in order to get away with paying me as little as he can and to avoid any public record of this. Just sweep it quietly under the rug and keep his reputation intact.

I don't want to feel any pressure to make a decision that day. And how do I not allow my emotions to make the decision. Everyone is telling me I have to use my head not my heart, this is a business decision. That's not where I am coming from right now - it's raw emotion. That is simply where I am today. I am not a business person, I have always come from my heart and soul.

Right now, insofar as the mediation is concerned, my thought is I will go in there and see what he offers, no desire to negotiate with his sorry ass....I am completely willing to refuse his offer and let a judge make that decision. Is that crazy thinking????

I've been divorced before, there was no mediation outside of custody of our son. There was a court appointed person that we both sat down with. That was pretty horrible, hearing my son's Father lie about me, saying that I was an unfit mother, taking drugs....Fortunately, the mediator did not believe him and he had to attend counseling sessions. The assets were split down the middle, we each kept our own debt, done.

The pig is wealthy and has hired a very high powered attorney. He's spending that kind of money on an attorney to protect his assets. I am not working, went back to school 3 years ago and will be starting on my thesis in a few more weeks. He has the money, so he has control.

Given that, can I really expect the outcome of the mediation to be any better than letting the judge decide??? Why subject myself to hours of negotiating, getting upset and just being in close physical proximity of the pig. Just that alone, upsets me. I have told my attorney's that I do NOT want to see him, talk to him, no contact whatsoever. But just knowing that he's in the same building and that I could run into him, upsets me. I don't want him sneaking up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder (again, like he did when I last saw him at a charity event for an organization I have volunteered with for the last few years. His bank was one of the sponsors. He knew I was going to be there and he showed up with his skank), telling me he just wants to say hi and then shake my hand. Hell no!!!!

I know I am probably "writing the script" for something that has not even happened yet. But, I honestly can't picture how I am going to get through it.

I have to be there since I signed that stupid temporary stipulation my former attorney pressured me to sign, saying it was the best deal he could work out for me. Turns out, it was written by the pig's attorney and my former attorney negotiated 15K for himself. Was a good agreement for him!!

If anyone can share their experiences with mediation, or if they weren't able to come to a decision, how was going to court?

torn2bits posted 6/4/2013 12:15 PM

I don't have experience with mediation for money, but I do have lots with negotiation and mediation for kid stuff.

You need to have information. The best thing to do is anticipate what he will ask for and write this down. What is your response on what you want.

I have found writing down the dollars and cents of the matter takes the emotions out. Also, pick a outfit that says business. Look at yourself in the mirror, act as though you are going to a job interview; dress that way. You are showing you mean business. Body language and appearance is huge in mediation/negotiation.

Write out what you want/what you don't want.

Also, lawyers send people to mediation so they can tell the judge in court that you were already at mediation and the decision needs to be made by them right that day in court.

Good luck! You will be great!

Pippy posted 6/4/2013 12:44 PM

We had mediation with our lawyers present. We had to fill out financial statements and his was pure fantasy.

Mediation results are grandfathered into our D papers where I live in Canada. So I threw out my usual quiet obedient wife persona and put on my big girl pants. I loudly pointed out the lies in his statement, surprising myself as well as him. BTW he had a great paying job like yours.

Go into it knowing that you are fighting the battle of your life for your future. Long after the pain of D is gone you still have to live. Do not let him bully you and hire a shark.

crisp posted 6/4/2013 12:53 PM

Don't be intimidated by "high powered lawyers." This stuff is not rocket science. You need competent counsel that will gather the right financial documentation and make sure that your settlement (or court hearing) gets you what you are entitled to under the division and support formulas established in your jurisdiction.

ruinedandbroken posted 6/4/2013 16:58 PM

I did mediation. We were in separate rooms and I didn't see him at all, not even in the hallway. I was a complete wreck that day.

I think court would be more intimidating/emotional and more expensive and you would have a lot less control of the outcome. I would probably try mediation first with a good attorney.

wontdefineme posted 6/4/2013 18:07 PM

Try mediation first. My judge, his lawyer and my lawyer were all idiots. His lawyer and he lied, my attorney didn't fight and the judge didn't go by the state set guidelines. Try and get what you want, cause when you leave it up to the judge, its out of your hands.

abigailadams posted 6/4/2013 22:05 PM

I am in mediation and would recommend it as a way to save money but you should definitely have your own lawyer. My lawyer has helped me know what to ask for as I would have settled for much less.

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