"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Shockedman posted 6/4/2013 12:57 PM

Hi,
WWs birthday is tomorrow. I am a warm and genuine person so I want to wish her a happy birthday, although I know it won't be one. 180ing, so I should say nothing. Those of you who know my story know that she is being a horrid bitch in the aftermath. Not even trying. I am just anticipating it and our 10 year wedding anniversary which is in July. It would be horrible and I feel rotten for thinking such shitty thoughts, but wouldn't it be fitting to have her served on our anniversary?

[This message edited by Shockedman at 12:57 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 12:59 PM

As gently as I can - It's like you are actually LOOKING for drama. You really need to stop it because you are just causing yourself more pain.

If you are going to have her served just have her served. It's your life you are talking about here. Don't play it for maximum drama. Play it for minimum pain. Have her served as soon as the papers are ready.

Tomorrow is an important day. It's Wednesday. That means it's half way to the weekend.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 1:08 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Shockedman posted 6/4/2013 13:11 PM

I know you are right. I don't want the pain or drama. It just dawned on me and I felt this a safe place to share my "evil" thoughts. I would never really do that. I am way to kind and caring and care about my own feelings to much to ever put myself through that. Really I just wondered how others get through these hard times like birthdays, anniversary's etc.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 1:11 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 13:15 PM

I think every one is different.

I caught my wife about 3 weeks before our SECOND wedding anniversary. I didn't know how to handle that day until it arrived, and then it was messy tbh.

The next year's anniversary was evenb worse. Then I was filled with anger and pain, and she was filled with regret and remorse.

This year's will be better, because we will make damn sure it is better.

As for B-days etc, don't second guess yourself. If you want to dig a hole and hide in it well just make sure you have wifi access in there so you can talk to us. If you want to climb a tall building and throw rocks at people, make sure you have a video going.

Just keep swimming...

simplydevastated posted 6/4/2013 13:38 PM

After my first d-day I stopped celebrating my wedding anniversary. I felt that there was nothing to celebrate. He still bought me a card until 2010. Then he stopped. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday this year.

We're still married, he's the one that cheated and I'm the one that gets treated poorly/punished for his behavior.

If you wanted, you could take the high road and still wish her a happy birthday. Or just ignore it as any other day.

brokenblackbird posted 6/4/2013 14:00 PM

Shocked,

This is all very recent for you. It is normal to go a bit crazy for awhile - even going for a ride on the drama llama isn't unheard of. But you need to take a step back. Your wife has a boyfriend.

This message isn't meant to be hurtful, it is a reality check. She chose contact with her boyfriend over your marriage. She continues that everyday. She lets you know in the messages she sends, etc.

What made you think she was coming out of the fog? Nothing in any of the things you have posted here points to that. It points to her own selfish behavior.

She knows tomorrow is her birthday. She is likely getting flowers from her boyfriend. You should ignore her 100%. Even when she sends you that sad message that you didn't wish her Happy Birthday and that made her day hard. Trust me, she is going to make you feel guilty some way if you don't acknowledge it. Don't even dignify her manipulation with a response.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Unless she is on fire and you are the only person with a bucket of water, ignore every message, every text, all calls, etc.

And for all that is holy, stop informing her of anything. Don't tell her you aren't going to talk to her. Don't tell her you are seeing an attorney or an accountant. This isn't war, but it is a volatile business arrangement. She does not have your best interest at heart, that much should be very clear.

You take care of you.

(hugs) you need 'em!

Shockedman posted 6/4/2013 15:01 PM

Brokenblackbird. You are right my friend. I am now seeing it clearly. I have been with this women for 17 years and trusted her to have my back. It is so hard to get to a point of understanding that she is not looking out for me AT ALL. I made another appointment with my accountant prior to our scheduled "joint" appointment. I filled him in on our issues and we agreed this was better. But I won't say a word. She will likely be shitting her pants that day thinking she will see me at this appointment, but i won't show because I will have already seen him.

I thought she was coming out of the fog due to a brief phone convo we had and she seemed more grounded, but I think she was just trying to manipulate me now. So 180, NO contact other than what is needed for business and logistics. NONE. Even if I feel weak and want to, I will not. Instead I will reach out to this new group of friends. Starting to work on me more and more. Taking a Tai Chi class, starting tonight. A new life is ahead.

1Faith posted 6/4/2013 15:06 PM

As hard as it is.... Keep with the 180 but acknowledge her bday as this will cause her to pause.

Something along the lines of "regardless of all that has happened I hope you have a good day where you are at peace with yourself"

Kill her with kindness if only on this day bc it's the last thing she's expecting. Keep her guessing.

LonelyHusband posted 6/4/2013 15:12 PM

I filled him in on our issues and we agreed this was better.

that's awesome, well done you.

solus sto posted 6/4/2013 17:18 PM

IMO, no birthday greetings.

Birthday greetings, under the circumstances, are NOT "warm and genuine." Genuine is honoring yourself. You are not genuinely in a happy-birthday place.

Furthermore, until and unless you get off this constant-communication rollercoaster, you will not begin to be able to move forward constructively.

Gently, you're like a junkie frenetically searching for the next fix.

Stop it.

Your wife has fired you. If she cared about warm and genuine birthday wishes from you, she would have taken pains to ensure you continued to feel warm thoughts for her.

She hasn't.

Maybe next year.

ETA: How do we get through these days? I don't know; it's hard. At first, you just kind of white knuckle it.

It really does get easier. But you MUST work to detach.

Don't
Even
Try
And
Change
Her

ETA again: Detaching now does not mean you can never revisit the notion of R. It means stepping back, garnering some strength (which comes from realizing you can live without her, even if you would prefer not to), and moving FORWARD. It's not giving up, it's breathing, and letting go of outcome. It's learning that you will survive, no matter what. Whether you R or D, it's essential. It's the only thing that will allow you to start tapping into healthy coping skills so that you can heal.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:27 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

Shockedman posted 6/5/2013 09:17 AM

I went with 1Faiths suggestion. I did preface it with, wishing you a happy birthday would be insincere, so i instead offer you this.In this time of great suffering, I hope you can find within your self some peace and happiness...

Some might think that is crazy to even acknowledge her, but I am just not wired to that way, plus the killing her with kindness thing, probably makes it even harder on her. Knowing she was such a shitty person and I had it in me to even acknowledge her today makes me the better person. Not that it is even close......

solus sto: Your insights do make perfect sense and I am doing my best. Sharing a life and complete trust for someone for 17 years makes it hard to just flip a switch, but I am doing my damndest to do it. I am only going to communicate with her from this point forward about things that are ESSENTIAL. Thats it. Not giving into her bullshit or manipulation. I was fired and I think many would agree here after reading my story, that this was/is and exit affair. Pretty much the worst kind. Chance of reconciling are really slim.

I am just trying to digest this garbage each and every day. It gets easier each day But never the less, it is my life and the past 17 years are hard to just "Get over" for a 7 months affair. My WW is in SO deep. I like to use analogies because they seem fitting. For those of you who are looking at your own situations, think about how this applies....

On one end, your wayward spouse may have just dipped their toe in the water. You have an opportunity to help, pull them out and make things right. In my case, my WW jumped of a cliff into the middle of a swirling ocean. I can't do anything to help, right now. I am up on the cliff looking down at her, say to myself..."I wish I could help her, but she has to help herself now" She still needs to decide what direction to even go now, then get her bearings and strength, swim to shore, dry off and make the climb to the top. That could take her months, even years to do. All I can do is think about myself now and go on living my life. More than likely, by the time she gets to the top of cliff, I will be long gone.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 9:31 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

brokenblackbird posted 6/5/2013 09:36 AM

plus the killing her with kindness thing, probably makes it even harder on her. Knowing she was such a shitty person and I had it in me to even acknowledge her today makes me the better person.

You are assigning your feelings to your wife. She doesn't feel this way. She has been involved in a relationship - on Christmas, on Valentine's Day, on Easter, on all the other special holidays and it didn't change anything.

This woman has already REWRITTEN your marital history to suit her. Prefacing your statement did nothing to her.

I'm glad it made you feel better.

(I'm sorry if this sounds so harsh, there is just so much pain that could be avoided if you stay NC. Trust us.)

tushnurse posted 6/5/2013 10:55 AM

NC/180 - Stick to it. Anything other than that opens the door for her to lie, and manipulate you.
You are a kind person, but she is not. If you had a buisness partner that had basically quit working and was still demanding 50%, and paychecks how would you handle them? This is how you need to handle her. She is not to be reasoned with.

The woman you knew and loved, is no more, and may never come back, but you are, and that's hard to accept, and get used to.

Wishing you peace today, and hey it's ok to imagine horrible things, just don't act on them.

1Faith posted 6/5/2013 14:44 PM

Any response from the bday girl?

Hang in there. You are doing great. A lot better than I was at your stage.

Stay strong. Head up. Moving forward.

solus sto posted 6/5/2013 18:33 PM

Sharing a life and complete trust for someone for 17 years makes it hard to just flip a switch, but I am doing my damndest to do it.

Oh, trust me, I know this. I sucked at 180 for the longest time. But it gets easier with time and practice.

I know you're doing your best. And your best will get better.

What will help it get better is the crickets or crazed manipulation your birthday greetings elicit (depending on your WW's mood). Getting hurt over and over eventually extinguishes contact, for those of us who lack the ability to just flip that switch. Thing is, you can spare yourself that pain. I wish I had---looking back, one thing I struggle with tremendously is my OWN response, post d-day. I feel as though my own dignity was compromised and hate to see others heading down the same path.

If she wants to R, she'll let you know.

"Killing her with kindness" is manipulative. And really, that's okay---except it's apt to wind up hurting you rather than make her contemplate her grave errors and return to the marriage.

Shockedman posted 6/7/2013 08:08 AM

Thanks everyone. You are ALL correct in your logic and it has been hard. Today, she just emailed and asked is she could call me. I said No, we can handle anything we need too via email. I am trying now to fully implement the 180. Yesterday morning I met with a friend to discuss my life. She is a mutual friend who texted me and asked if everything was OK, because she was going to wish W a happy birthday on FB, as she always does, and noticed W took her FB page down. I met with her and while I was away, my wife emailed me. Then she texted and and when I did not respond in the first 30 minutes, she had some sort of panic attack, phone and text bombed me. (my phone was in my jacket) Texted my mom and brother and went a little crazy. Second time she has done this this week. I got angry about this and said that when she contacts me, of course I will get back to you. I always have, but you also need to give me time. If I am out or away then I may not response in 5 minutes. If you don't hear back from me for 5 or 6 hours, then you can reach out again, but please don't phone and text bomb if I don't respond within the hour. Our schedules are different and may not always line up.

Her response to my birthday message was "thank you". She is too far gone I am afraid and I am SO sad about it. I want my wife back and my life, but I KNOW I will never get that back and even going down the raod to try to solve problems and heal will be too painful. I want to have hope. I really do. Since d-day, I have been optomistic about R, thinking that I will do whatever it takes. But the more time that passes and the more I think about it all, I just don't think its worth it. This was an exit affair and my wife is already gone. She is in love with another person. How do you come back from that? I don't think you can. She still has to come back to reality, fall out of "love" with the AP, fall back into love with me and then try to wade through every issue we have ever had in 17 years? Sounds like quicksand to me. I am on a road and coming to a fork. I have the choice to go left, full of pain despair, agony, hurt, betrayal, lies and anger, or go right to a life yet lived and unknown. I do truly love and care for my wife. Deeply. For that reason alone, i think splitting is the best choice. She is in no way emotionally equipped to handle dealing with me and our life, when she hasn't even figured out her own yet. All I would be doing is complicating it even more and opening myself up to more immensely painful conversations.

Thoughts? What about some sort of healing and/or closure? I know I may never get what I need as far as answers. but if I cut and run, like my heart is telling me, will I have further issues in future relationships because I didn't allow for anything in this situation?

Addition: She emailed me back what she wanted to say since I would not accept her call:

"I'm sorry that I asked to call. I will respect the boundary you set.
What I was going to say is that I hope you have fun on your upcoming trip. I'm sure you will. Be safe and have a great time. A friend was talking about two people at work who are very sick and with the recent passing (of a mutual friend) I was thinking how awful it would be if something were to happen to either one of us while you were gone. So with that, know that I do love you and care about you very much. That for the majority of our last 17 years, we were amazing. Thank you. I'm not being dramatic, you just never know what life might bring and I didn't want you to leave without me telling you this."

[This message edited by Shockedman at 8:23 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Laura28 posted 6/7/2013 08:17 AM

Hi honey

but if I cut and run, like my heart is telling me, will I have further issues in future relationships because I didn't allow for anything in this situation?

I don't think so. I know this is awful but until you stand your ground she will keep playing games with you. (the texting drama !!!)

She is behaving like a silly schoolgirl.

She has to realise you are serious - you will not tolerate her behaviour.

BIG HUGS

Laura

nofool4u posted 6/7/2013 15:37 PM

Shockedman If it is your wife that is the cheater, why is SHE being a horrid bitch? She has no basis to be a bitch to you whatsoever. She should be down on her knees kissing your feet.