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the beginnings of trust...

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gettingthere2013 posted 6/4/2013 13:04 PM

...and I'm scared.

I am starting to believe WH when he says he's sorry(and not just sorry he got caught :)). I am starting to relax into his arms and believe that he won't hurt me again. The details? I do still think he's lying/minimizing some of those....but not the ones I NEED to know...did you fuck her and is it over? He is slowing starting to 'get' the impact of what he did. He is taking care of my heart.

...and I lost it last night/this morning. We had a particularly great day yesterday,when the "maybe I *can* trust him" thoughts started creeping in. Could I enjoy our closeness and the thought that maybe I am starting to see some light at the end of my crazy tunnel? Nope. I started in on the "what ifs". Then I dumped all of it on WH in a spectacular fashion,complete with tears and throwing items from our fruit basket(ripe apples make a big mess,but a very satisfying noise!).

Any help on better handling the trust vs what if issues would be appreciated.

spinningwheel posted 6/4/2013 15:08 PM

I can't offer any insight, as I'm dealing with the same feelings and questions. But I'll be watching for replies to your post and reading with interest.

I have a feeling this is another thing that only his consistency over time will ease.

Titanium posted 6/4/2013 15:55 PM

I too am in the very same boat so i will keep checking also. I find that when he is giving me lots if attention my heart relaxes and its such a nice relief even if only for a short time.

Then the doubts and suspicion creeps in........the what if' mind goes crazy. I start to look for things and ask questions to get reassurance so i can try and derail the train of fury that i have just boarded once again.

But usually my WH makes it worse but telling me that i always have to bring this shit up. He doesnt get that for us BS we are looking for ways i think to get them to prove their love, show their love and that they are genuine.

Thats my take on it. I dig for answers and want a reaction that proves thruthful from my WH so i can let down my guard and believe and start to trust. The no trust thing is killing me. My WH doesnt get it.

Sucks hey?

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/4/2013 23:44 PM

I found when I wanted to start trusting WH again and believe he is really committed to our marriage and I would start to feel I couldn't trust him and afraid of being hurt all over again. I did not want to be hurt again. I call it the "fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me" thinking and it has been very hard to get over and let those feelings go.

But you eventually have to start trusting again but only if WS is showing real commitment to rebuilding the relationship and I think real commitment takes awhile for a BS to believe. I went through the looking for clues he is cheating again. Looking for any sign of lies or inconsistencies in his behavior. I then realized I did not want to spend my life this way. I wanted to be married to someone who is honest and wants to be in a honest relationship with me. Over time and WH showing consistent change I am starting to let go of the fear and starting to trust again - but it has been difficult and a long road. It is like dipping your toe in the water to see if the water is cold or hot before jumping in. I do have moments of can I trust him but they are getting less and less as time goes by.

I believe it is normal to question whether or not to trust again. I don't think you should spend your life with someone who is not working on proving they can be trustworthy. I think you can't spend your life thinking everyone is dishonest.

ItsaClimb posted 6/5/2013 00:53 AM

These are my feelings on the matter:

For me personally, trust is something I have to make a conscious decision to do. For quite a while I believed that if I want to stay married to fWH I would have to simply accept that I will never trust him again and I'd have to live with that - it didn't work for me, I was obsessing all the time, it was making me angry and it hurt...

A little while ago I realised that if I am going to commit to this marriage and be HAPPY I have to be "all in" and that involves trusting fWH. I looked long and hard at his actions and they led me to believe that it was okay for me to give him my trust. But it's not a one-off thing, I literally have to decide to trust him daily (and sometimes doubts creep in and I have to shove them away and occasionally I have "wobblies" but I work at recovering from them). For now I feel that I am happy to trust fWH, provided he is showing me that he is committed to me, that he is working hard to be the husband I deserve. The moment he starts behaving like a jerk, I withdraw the trust.

This is working really well for us. I've only been at it for a little while, but I have felt calmer, happier and more optimistic about us than I have since D-Day. I am hoping that as time goes by this process feels more natural and becomes our "new normal" but I will ALWAYS have that disclaimer...the moment he returns to wayward thinking/behaviours the trust is gone!

catlover50 posted 6/5/2013 04:44 AM

Consistency over time is the key. I spoke to my IC recently about this. There is no shortcut.

The WS needs to understand this is normal and a consequence of their betrayal. They need to patiently help us through each outburst; that's part of building trust. I tell my H that the better he handles it the quicker I'm over it and the faster we're back to happy. No telling me to focus on the present--I have a lot of past to process.

That said, after a time I am trying to limit the times I bring it up. We currently have times allotted for A discussion. But that took months to reach, and it's not set in stone.

sisoon posted 6/5/2013 15:34 PM

Trust rebuilds slowly. The fact that it's starting to come back is positive for R. Our MC says it's the key to but the hardest part of R.

Not long ago, she beat me up for questioning my lack of trust in my W - she said it's too early, and she'd be worried if I trusted my W more than I do.

Don't worry, don't push it - just let the trust grow naturally. That scare is probably you keeping yourself safe.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:35 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

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