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Please help me with what to say

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Nature_Girl posted 6/4/2013 14:27 PM

STBX frequently cancels taking the kids, leaving me with plans I can no longer accomplish because I won't be child-free.

Will you please help me come up with ways to tell him that he has to arrange for and pay for childcare in my home? I'm tired of having to cancel my plans just because STBX can't be bothered to spend time with his children.

I'm not looking to ignite WWIII. Just tell him that him deciding to bail isn't all he has to do, he has to arrange for childcare and pay for it.

Amazonia posted 6/4/2013 15:06 PM

"Unfortunately I have already made plans that cannot be canceled at that time. As this is during your scheduled time with the children, I will need you to provide child care for them during your absence. It's fine if this takes place at my home, but you will need to make the arrangements and cover the cost."

ajsmom posted 6/4/2013 15:08 PM

I'm not looking to ignite WWIII. Just tell him that him deciding to bail isn't all he has to do, he has to arrange for childcare and pay for it.

Bingo.

Not much more needs to be said.

AJ's MOM

damncutekitty posted 6/4/2013 16:34 PM

If the D isn't final yet, I'd get it put in the D decree.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/4/2013 19:53 PM

Nature girl, he is doing it because you are so strong! He has tried and tried to "bait" you and you haven't taken the bait.

So, this is the only way he can accomplish getting a response out of you.

I would count on him not getting the children every time and have child care lined up. Is there a Mom you can swap child care with? Maybe someone who would love to go on a date with her husband on the weekends you have your children on your usual visitation. Then, maybe she would be a stand by in case ur XWH bails?

Just an idea. Just like me, sometimes we expect irrational people to act rationally. sorry

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:54 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

torn2bits posted 6/4/2013 20:08 PM

NG, its true as already stated here. He wants you to die miserable, doesn't want you to have a bit of fun.

My NPD did this to me. I dropped the kids off at his house when I was going out.I met him at the door and then drow away.

I would just tell him straight up. As you already know, its about control.

HopeImOverIt posted 6/5/2013 12:11 PM

If the D isn't final yet, I'd get it put in the D decree.

This, this, a thousand times this!

Because as any lawyer will tell you, you cannot force your Ex to exercise his custody.

If by any chance he is fighting you on amount of custody time, you should of course document each cancellation.

I think you should ask him to pay for childcare now, but without a legal agreement I don't think you can make him do it. The exception would be if you are hiring childcare to allow you to go to work. Then in most states he would have to pay a share of that cost.

Nature_Girl posted 6/5/2013 13:01 PM

What I'm forseeing is that he'll turn around, take the kids, then leave them with a babysitter & charge me for it. Or half of it.

OR, he'll not take the kids, leave them at my house, then send over an OW, drug dealer, hooker, sex addict, or some other unknown element to be in MY home. Alone. With the kids. And then because I would refuse to leave the kids with that person, he'd charge me for their time.

But we'll try the suggestions here first. Of course.

caregiver9000 posted 6/5/2013 16:19 PM

What helps me is to remember that the man I married (SNORT, fantasy man) died. He is not going to show up and exercise responsible, reliable parenting time. At best, this is a on again, off again, semi stranger who may be working off community service hours, or who wants to "help out" when it is convenient for THEM. This game of pretend helps me to accept the inconsistency of it all.

Getting caught up in the "ought to" and the "fair" or "not fair" of it will get you nothing. Nothing but frustrated and angry.

This is (as you outlined so clearly) one situation where he has all the advantages. You can rely on him and be screwed when he drops the ball. You can "force" him to have a backup plan that will never be acceptable, (stripper, drug addict, OW, OW parents, thief, etc) and what do you have then? Time for your plans that you spend worrying over the child care situation??

Pretend he died. Care for the kids and your personal time as if he were not walking the planet on two feet.

Allowing him to sense, see or even imagine that his antics cause you stress or inconvenience guarantees that it continues!! Contrary to how you want to react, give him nothing. Not even reasonable legal outlined requests for child care. You have already played the fast forward button and seen how that will play out....

(((hugs to you))) and FTG

whyohwhyohwhy posted 6/5/2013 16:50 PM

My x used to be late, cxl, etc. all the time.

As caregiver said, it's helpful to almost pretend he died. Just assume he's not going to pick up the kids etc., and schedule your lives around that. It does suck, and your kid-free time will be limited, but there's not much you can do.

It got to the point where I refused to have the kids sitting here waiting for him. Now he gets to chase them down if they're at the neighbor's house, activities, band etc.....

Older daughter now says "I've waited for him plenty...now he can wait for me...."....

He sent me an email recently saying he was sick of older one scheduling activities without respect to his weekends with them.....she's almost in high school, very focused on her social life, and refuses to put up with his nonsense.

If there is something I need to schedule for myself, I make arrangements that don't involve him in any way. He's just not dependable.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/6/2013 12:07 PM

I'm not so sure that you should say anything about it to him.
He won't listen anyway.
He'll probably find some way to turn it around on you (as you pointed out already); OR
Your request will only make him behave even worse.

I think patience and documentation of all his last-minute cancellations are in order. Also make sure that this issue is addressed in your final D papers.

He sucks.

HopeImOverIt posted 6/6/2013 12:51 PM

What I'm forseeing is that he'll turn around, take the kids, then leave them with a babysitter & charge me for it. Or half of it.

I believe that he can only charge you for half of it if he is working at that time. I don't think he can charge you for a sitter for him to go to social events.

Also, consider including a "right of first refusal clause" in the divorce agreement that says before he leave the kids with anyone, he has to give you the option of watching them.

OR, he'll not take the kids, leave them at my house, then send over an OW, drug dealer, hooker, sex addict, or some other unknown element to be in MY home. Alone. With the kids. And then because I would refuse to leave the kids with that person, he'd charge me for their time.

You absolutely need to include in your divorce agreement a clause that anyone who sits the kids at YOUR house must be explicitly approved by you. That is totally reasonable that you control who comes into your home.

You can TRY to include a clause that you have to approve of any sitters at HIS house, but that probably won't fly. And then he could insist on the same provision applying to you, and you don't want to be micromanaged like that.

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