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Can you truly love

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huRtZ413 posted 6/4/2013 14:37 PM

Someone and make a mistake like this ? what do you think ? I love my husband very much and believe him when he says he loves me and that it was a horrible mistake and a his first and last time . that he is disgusted and wants me "needs" me in his life because i do so much for him and he doesn't want to go through life with anyone else .

you hear all these things like

"if they really love you they wouldnt cheat"

" if your unhappy leave"

" once he does it he will do it again"

"you'll never trust him again why stay"

i feel like my husband is diff (i guess everyone does why else are we here) but my husband has tested odds WE have tested the odds our entire relationship . we were a forbidden love because our families hated each other and the test of long distance through his military career and now this ONS were doing good and making strides communicating and he is understanding of my feelings and he is an open book he came to with his confession in 24 hrs after it happened , he wanted to give me the choice to make a decision for myself he at least gave me that .

but the whole if he really loved you........really hurts .

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 2:38 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

spinningwheel posted 6/4/2013 14:49 PM

I totally understand where you're coming from.

While there aren't many things I'm able to believe yet, this I do believe: My husband does love me. His SA allowed him to compartmentalize all the different parts of his life as a way of justifying his behavior. When he was "in his marriage", he loved. When he was acting out, he still loved and, by putting me in a box "there", he thought he was protecting me.

It's taken our CSAT almost 2 years to help me understand that.

The reasoning that takes place in the mind of an addict is beyond anything that makes sense to those of us outside the addiction.

I don't know if those who cheat without an addiction truly still love their spouse or not. I hope so, but if not, I believe it's possible to rekindle that love.

Infidelity brings on so many questions about things we simply believed without doubt before, doesn't it? Yet another sucky part of the betrayal.

2married2quit posted 6/4/2013 14:54 PM

I'm not a professional, nor do I know the exact dynamics of your relationship, but most men go back to their wife. Why? Comfort? Attachment style? Love?

My wife had an A and soon after told me she didn't love me anymore and wasn't sure if she wanted to be married to me. Women detach their emotions before having an A, but men tend to be different. They come back crying for a second chance and "say" they love their wives. I know OM did.

So the point I'm trying to make is, he probably DOES love you. However, there's something that made him get an A. That's what he has to get to the bottom of and work on....if he truly loves you.

huRtZ413 posted 6/4/2013 15:03 PM

right . i had asked did he have intentions of ending our marriage when he made that decision ...he said absolutely not . That he never stopped loving me and that he didnt even realize that there was something wrong with our marriage until that night when he asked himself what the hell am i doing? that my face and our girls faces started flooding his mind and he kicked her out his room (away at work) the he got wrapped up in her desire for him and how she was so up front and direct . that makes me sick ....but hes is changing and i see his efforts are real when before he would rug sweep and now he spills his guts about anything and everything.

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 3:04 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

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