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ssi0318 posted 6/4/2013 16:14 PM

WW is away on a business trip today, which means more than likely that I won't hear from her until she gets back tomorrow, one of the things that really bother me (edit, she just called while I was typing this out, but it was to chat with the kids, not with me, sigh).

I need to be explicit and tell her that at least I would like to get a text from her while she is out.

We are in MC, been to three sessions, and it is sloooow going. We're supposed to go weekly, but weren't able to go 2 weeks ago b/c I had my own business trip. So we went last week, and normally we'd be going tonight but for the above mentioned WW business trip, plus our MC is away this week as well. I really look forward to us going, it's the only time she's willing to talk about anything, as our MC really has to work her over to get anything out of her.

She also now has another business function for next Tuesday, which means that we need to try and reschedule, plus I saw on our family calendar she's got something else set up for the Tuesday after that as well, which would put us at 3 straight weeks of no MC, which I'm not happy with, and need to talk to WW about.

She's said in our sessions that she's not even sure what she wants (ie R or D), which I told the MC is EXTREMELY frustrating to me. Her response to that was, if I wanted to leave, I would have already, his response was, she is here now, ie, try and take her being here at face value of attempting to make things better. I know it's only a short time out from DDay (she had a long term EA that morphed end of last year/beginning of this year into a PA that I had to do the sleuthing to find out and confront her with the evidence). I'm just frustrated.

I want her to say she wants back into the M, she's not ready to say that yet, so we're basically living with an in-house separation, which makes doing the 180 also very difficult. Blah, this sucks. Not really looking for advice, just needing to vent a bit.

I've been getting better myself, actually sleeping (without pharma help even) and eating again, so the weight loss has stopped. I'm able to get work done at the office again, so I feel like I'm slowly pulling myself out of the hole.

I just feel like I'm the one doing all the work right now. Then again, I'm the one who wants it more right now, so I suppose I should be the one making sure we actually go to MC. What I need to do, and what someone said in my previous post is to come up with a timeframe of when I expect to see some concrete effort on her part. She is making an effort to engage in conversation with me, which is a positive, sharing some details about her day...I'm looking at that as a positive initial baby step.

OK, here's a question for BS. I'm ~2.5 months out from DDay, how were you feeling at this point?

sisoon posted 6/4/2013 17:11 PM

Awful. So bad I won't describe it - and my W was totally committed to R even though I wasn't yet.

There isn't much you can do to move your W, but you can continue to work on yourself - feel your feelings and find your strength. Remember - you can heal and thrive, with or without your W.

Joanh posted 6/4/2013 20:44 PM

Sorry if I over step but no stop sign.
As we are our selves are only 7 months out I'm not sure if I have the right to say however. As a WW I would have to say yours is not cooperating. Has there been a NC? If not there should be. I can understand some of her uncertainty but at the same time its abusing your love. I agree that a 180 would be good at this time. For your self. It may make her make a decision quicker instead of leaving you in limbo. And remeber she's the one that screwed up not you. I know you love her and want to try and R. Thats so wonderful,and strong.
The 180 from what I have read and my BS has is to make your self stronger person, be able to see yourself and not so dependent on the couple. I think we all fall into the trap of becoming one and not realizing that doing so we give up ouselves.
Find you again and it will make it easier for you and the kids.
But you can still do the 180 if she is living there.
She may also be scared to really face herself. or she may still be thinking of the AM. I hope you the best and I am sorry if I over step.

ssi0318 posted 6/4/2013 21:38 PM

Thanks sisoon.

Thanks Jonah, no apology necessary. NC was initiated, but I saw that she had watched a clip of the OM on TV a couple of days ago (long story), so that's been broken. I still don't think she is over it.

nofool4u posted 6/18/2013 09:57 AM

She's said in our sessions that she's not even sure what she wants (ie R or D), which I told the MC is EXTREMELY frustrating to me. Her response to that was, if I wanted to leave, I would have already, his response was, she is here now, ie, try and take her being here at face value of attempting to make things better.

How is going on business trips and not being in contact with you most of the time, if not the entire time, planning several away trips, and saying she is not sure what she wants an attempt to make things better.

You said "she" has things set up which tells me she can control her business trips.

If I were a WS and wanted to "attempt to make things better", then I'd be putting a moratorium on business trips as I know anyone I would have cheated on would be at home wondering who I'm up in while away, for starters.

WS + business trips = golden opportunities to continue cheating. And your therapist is sugarcoating it.

What is it YOU want? Do you really want to be with someone who is away all the time wondering what she is doing?

confused615 posted 6/18/2013 10:15 AM

You are in limbo,not R.

Have you read the 190? You need to read it and put it to use immediately.

Your WW isn't doing anything to show you she wants to be married. So you need to change what you are doing..180...take care of yourself...and see a lawyer. Maybe filing for D will wake her up..and if it doesn't,it's best to know now,rather than hang out in limbo for a few more years until she has another affair.

Justmiserable posted 6/18/2013 10:28 AM

My husband used a business trip for his all day and overnight trip to first sleep with the OW. Since we decided to R, I've told him that business trips over night were off the table unless I go too and he can explain that to his coworkers himself. No way would I sit at home wondering ever again and I feel like I have the right to make that a new boundary of mine. Because of my past as well, we've both decided that I won't have any overnight stays at my girlfriend's house, not because I used that to do anything but because he never regained full trust in me after my affair 10 years ago and he allowed his mind to run wild with what I "may" be doing if I was out late or having a girl's night (wasn't often, just a couple times when my friend was moving and we decided to have drinks and unpack her things.)

At just a couple months out though, my husband hadn't completely pulled his head from his nether region and I was in a bad place. What helped me most was forcing myself to shower, do my makeup, keep my hair appointments and have time alone with him just having fun with breaks from talking about the A. (very hard)

I understand why you say you need to talk to her about things and how hard it is. you don't want to push her away, but it's completely fair to tell her exactly what you need at this point in order to recover. It helped me to recover my power in my relationship to say flat out what I would or would not tolerate and list things that would be deal breakers. I'm still doing that actually, but instead of resentment and defensiveness, I'm being met with a husband that is receptive and dare I say flattered at the attention?

It took my husband a while to think about what "he" wanted as well, but I think there was a fear that our marriage would go back to pre A stagnation. When he wrapped his head around the fact that I was unhappy with the way things were as well, and that he had a part in that, and that running to a dating site wasn't the answer, things changed. Until the fog really clears, what you're feeling is completely normal.

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