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The affair happened in April. I don't want to end 12 years (11 married), two kids, well, MY LIFE just yet. I can't stop thinking about it all. He said it was because he started feeling emotionally distant from me while I thought everything was peachy. I've heard it all before, but never thought it would happen to me. He wants to fix everything, he's all remorseful. I am just sick and tired. I get down right pissed off when I think of his reason for doing it, knowing he could have handled it in a better way. He even admits he wished he didn't do it, but it happened. But love is strange cause I still love him holding me and everything. I think I just need it sometimes. I felt so rejected and humiliated. I know I still love him. I know that what he did was unthinkable and wrong. I have to live with this person who I love and hate more than anyone in this world.

There is no excuse for cheating! EVER. So what the hell do I do now? I wake up with a whirl wind of emotions. We had it all and we built a great life. What was so damn wrong? I ask myself if he thinks I'm boring, but he says no. He says it was just him. Not me. Well, it has everything to do with me! It was the most selfish thing he has ever done. I don't know if I can forgive something like this. I'm really considering separation but while I'm so angry, I don't want to go down that road...I know I'm pathetically in love with him still. His nice gestures aren't enough. I don't know if anything he ever does will be.

The whirlwind of emotions is to be expected. You have been through an emotional trauma that people here understand well. One thing that helped me was reaading 'Not Just Friends'. I could see that my 'craziness' was normal under the circumstances.

Other good resources in the Healing Library here. Try to stay hydrated as much as possible. If you can make yourself exercise I recommend that also.

dontstop - I'm still relatively new to this but I noticed that the affair happened in April - this is so recent and the questions you are asking are so very familiar and so are the emotions you are describing.

Looking back on the first few weeks after my own WH's confession (January 3rd this year - will never forget that date) I was totally confused about my conflicting feelings. Especially as, like you and like many others here on SI, I really believed I had an amazing relationship and that he would never cheat on me. Not me, not us - we were that sickeningly 'perfect couple' I had thought that if ever it happened there would be no coming back from it yet my first (well ok, maybe my second reaction) was not to flee the situation but to stay and want him still.

I'm not necessarily in a good place right now, and not a great one to give advice, but I just want you to know that these feelings are normal, common and love cannot just be switched off.

Since finding out my WH and I have read books together, had one lot of MC. He's just started IC and we're going to start back up with the MC with a new counsellor. I urge you to read the info on this site - particularly articles in The Healing Library. Perhaps visit the Just Found Out forum too.

I wish you luck in this awful journey none of us wanted to take x

Your feelings are the new normal, sadly.

I never fell out of love with Mr Lucky, but I was so damned mad at him I couldn't understand my own feelings. I never thought of love/hate as something I'd ever have to deal with.

You are so new to this... read some articles in the Healing Library, treat yourself well, take care of yourelf & you sure don't have to make life altering decisions right now.

[This message edited by Lucky at 1:58 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]