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Newest Member: Thefighter (60790)

User Topic: Am I in "r" yet?
♀ 38604
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the past months have been a living hell. It took weeks and weeks to get the truth, lots of confrontations, tears, and disbelief. Hours of talking, fighting, and talking about the details. Talking and more talking. We're in MC, IC and he is very active in his SAA work and going to meetings regularly.

There are still some issues with the OW, she called me at work last week (thatís another story). He has had NC with OW. He is completely transparent, I have access to everything, and all passwords, including iTunes, so I can see apps that are being downloaded and used.

He's talking and answers all my questions patiently and is learning to expand on his answers. He doesnít' blame me for anything, he's remorseful every day and shows it in his actions. He's responsive when I trigger and does whatever it takes to work through it with me.

He is setting his own boundaries and sticking to them. He's reading and really taking the advice that our MC counselor gives about communication to heart and applying it. I can't think of anything else he could possibly be do.

I can see the difference in his actions towards me. I am now his priority, all of his time and efforts are on himself, me, us or family. The phone is no longer attached to him, neither is his iPad. If Iím feeling insecure during the day he facetimes me.

I am much calmer, the PTSD is subsiding and the anxiety attacks are almost gone. Iím sleeping through the night and eating again. I still have triggers, I still have mind movies, but he works really hard to get me through those moments.

Could I possibly have a real remorseful ďfWHĒ or is it too soon for that? I have thought this in the past and been blind-sided. Having said that, this is the first time that Iíve seen him actually do the work and talk about what heís learning in SAA.

Iím scared to move forward too fast, only to be knocked to ground zero again.

Would love input

ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 26,16, 15 and 13
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 476 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds good, but frankly, actions over time is what determines it. He finally sounds like he's doing the right things and that his mindset has changed, but don't feel that you have to make an all-in committment to staying married, forgivness, putting a former in front of his name, or drop your walls. If trust were water in a bucket, he not only tipped it over but he stomped on it and busted it into splinters. Let him do the work to re-build the bucket and then start dripping water back into it.

By the above, I don't mean that you be completely unresponsive. You need to let him know he's on the right track. When he finished a book or exercise that you or the MC has asked him to do, you might let him know that you appreciate him doing that. When my FWH told me something that was very hard for him or was shameful to him, I would tell him, I know this was hard for you. I appreciate your honesty. You being honest with me helps me to start trusting you. I'm not saying lay it on thick Oh Honey, thank you SO much for putting your cup in the vacinity of the kitchen. You da MAN! But if you can honestly extend an olive branch, do so.

Hoping for the best for you!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9796 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 39377
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you have been in false R you know what it looks like, and you know your WS. That said, trust your gut and let him show you with his continued actions. When/if you feel bad for not believing, if WS is sincere you will see it in the ability to accept consequences of bad past choices.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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