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Newest Member: fallenbutnotdone (61089)

User Topic: what do I do?
♂ 39445
Member # 39445
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a man in which has been with wife for 14 yrs. It has been a very rocky road at times. We have been through a lot, from losing 2 kids 2 having all types of problems. I was neglected by her in the fact that she didn't seem 2 concern herself with my needs at all. She wanted 2 do what she wanted and would not even respect my wishes at all with regard 2 my home or my kids at times. This went so far as 2 recklessly endanger their lives by getting in a car accident that could have killed them all. All because she had to have a meeting in my house with a group of friends. She also got my truck repoed because of a bunch of things she wasnt telling me. Throughout all of these things I stayed committed to her and loved her. After lying over money issues and after the accident and truck issue we had a heated argument that went out of control. I was at a complete breaking moment and I grabbed her around her neck and choked her 4 a few seconds. This hurt md deeply because I had always sworn thar I would protect her no matter wat. We made it through this or so I thought. That was 4 yrs ago it hasn't happened before or since. We had learned to move on. Fast forward about 3yrs and I am wrking a job that keeps me away from home from 4 in the morning till about 10 something at night. I am told 5 days before our wedding anniversary that she had cheated on me. I find out that it was with none other than my younger sister's husband. He has an attractive body and is apparently very well endowed. At first they lied bout when the affair took place. They lied about the length of it and everything. After a few weeks when things just weren't adding up or making sense I asked my wife if that was the truth. I went so far as 2 ask her 2 swear on something that I just knew she would never lie on which was the graves of our 2 children that passed away. She swore on them and continued the facade. The next day she confessed that she had her "fingers crossed" when she said it and she broke down and started telling me when it actually did take place. I was devastated not only by the affair, but by the fact that who it was with, and the fact that she went 2 such lengths 2 lie on our kids graves in order 2 keep from being honest with me. I also found that she was stealing money from out of my account and putting it into a secret one of hers. Plus they were together in our house in our bed with my kids in the room right next door. The affair went on for six months in which she gave him everything I ever wanted, asked, begged, and never got. In the aftermath of it coming out I have ended up losing the relationship I had with my parents because they demanded that I leave her when I was trying to think about my family. They disowned me and told me that as long as I was with her that I should forget about them. Now she is sorry and tells me that she never meant to hurt me. She tells me that she loves me now more than ever because she realizes how close she came 2 losing me. She tries 2 take care of my needs as much as she can and seems very sincere, but how can I get over all the pain betrayal anger sorrow and everything else that I feel. And that is not all that I feel either, I also feel that after she has been so blown away by the sex that she had with him how can I ever be good enough? What can I do someone please help me.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, struggling. Sorry you're here, but since you've been betrayed, I'm glad you found us.

You ask what you can do. First, focus on what you want. You don't have to, and probably can't know what you want ultimately right now, but focusing on it will help you figure it out.

Second, I suggest reading and perhaps posting in the Just Found Out forum as well as here and reading in the Healing Library - link is in the yellow box, upper left of SI pages.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16535 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♂ 39445
Member # 39445
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's jus the thing how do I knw wat I really want? I want 2 be with her back I keep thinking about it a lot and it jus gnaws at me all the time. I jus don't know if its really worth it. How do I figure this out?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39377
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh the pain of your poet, I'm sorry you are in this nightmare. Being fairly new to this myself the one thing I have realized is I can not just get over it. I also realized I do not want to be miserable but intrusive thoughts invade my mind on a whim, when least expected. These thoughts are unwanted, I can't keep them from happening so I had to stop rushing to figure it out and stop getting down on myself for not handling things better. I also learned SI is the best place for me right now because other people in my life have a very hard time understanding my reasons for me taking the steps I'm taking. Trying to explain my choices to loved ones, in past situations, has proven futile and exhausting .
So for now, take the time you need and don't be too hard on yourself because what you want today may not be what you want tomorrow and that is perfectly normal.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
♂ 39445
Member # 39445
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason all this is so hard for me is also because for years my wife took all her frustrations out on me. If aggrevated her she would use me as the way to vent it. She would attack me verbally all the time and yell at me for things I had no control over or nothing to do with. Throughout all of it though I stood by her side always trying to take care of her. Like I said earlier she never made me or my needs a priority and then add that to everything else above and I just don't know if she even still deserves me. I still love her but find myself hating her. I can't believe with all I've gone through for her that this could've happened to me. Is this all worth fighting for?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 37437
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


sorry you find yourself having to deal with this betrayel.

You don't have to make a decision about anything right now if you don't want. I understand the feeling of wanting to have this resolved or for it to get fixed quickly. but right now you need to focus on making smart decisions for yourself. It can take some time so don't get too frustrated. Take a step back if you can really assess what you want out of your marriage and whether or not she is being transparent or showing any kind of remorse.

Be sure to protect yourself. I'm not sure where you are located but check with a lawyer if possible to at least see what your options are. You don't have to file for divorce but you should get a better idea what you are in for if your M goes any further south.

If you haven't already, take a look at the left in the yellow box and go to "The Healing Library" and read about the "180". It is there to help you get a sense of self back that sounds like you've let go during your marriage.

Keep posting and asking questions. You will get through this.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 10:16 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1058 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
♂ 39445
Member # 39445
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She does show remorse but she hates when the subject comes up she says that I dwell on it too much and asks me how we can move forward if I keep thinking bout the affair. She has hid messages that she and my brother-in-law (the other man) have sent to each other even after she swore she would never have any contact with him at all. She got mad at me when I went through her phone and put a lock on it. I don't know if they have communicated since. She says they haven't but I don't know if I can truly believe her. I don't know what to believe. She says she loves me more than ever now and she is sorry that she hurt me. What can I believe?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 39445
Member # 39445
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thelove I had for this woman was so great that when she told me about the affair no matter how devastated I was I still held her and comforted hear when she cried. That love was equaled by such an immense pain as the lies and everything else started to really set in. I cannot escape from this pain or shake it free. Its so hard to deal with.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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