I've never shared this but I guess I will now because what you wrote reminded me of it so much.
I wrote this and many other hurt filled things during my husband's last debacle. It started all rhymy poetic and by the time I was at the end, I was just ranting.
Someday the pain might fade away
Ill forget what closed my wings for you
Someday I might be unreserved
Stupid things won't hit a nerve and my heart won't be shy
But for now, I hide away
My dreams are filled with ache and pain
My thoughts swim in darker places
I try and I'll keep trying
Ill keep waiting for someday
Ill look for it and hunt for it
But the fear of thinking its time and having it all just wash away is too hard for today to be someday
Every secret embrace
Every word not said to my face
Every secret that wasn't mine
They lurk in every corner of my mind
So impossibly betrayed
How do I make it fade away into someday?
My pain can cloud over a new start
Every beat of my heart has been wasted with all the pearls I've cast before swine
Pigs running in shit while wearing necklaces loaded with pearls I've thrown before them
I'm here to be the angel who loves and helps
Life has shown me there is little value in any of it but I cannot stop being who I am, regardless
Now I am me through tear veiled eyes
Any joy in loving and helping is so tainted, it hardly seems like joy at all
Instead of big and open, I feel small and crushed but I still know I'm big and open...just none of the beauty of it
Evil walks away wearing my jewels, covered in shit and calling me weak, having thought they've stolen everything that was mine
My sacred things
I have no sacred things despite them being wiped off on a sleeve and re-presented to me as mine
A shining gift given in love, most treasured
Taken and given to other people like its something to share
Given back covered in lies and dirt but I clean it up and love it with everything in me, ignoring all the scratches and dings caused by careless hands
It's precious to me
I love it so...
Then taken again...sneaked out and a fake put in its place so while I know something is incredibly not right about it, I don't realize it's gone
Someone else using it, loving it and calling it 'theirs'
It's finally brought back to me
It's in tatters
All but destroyed
'But it's all yours! It's special for you!'
All mine...so special