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I Think We're Done

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looking forward posted 6/4/2013 19:26 PM

It was too big a betrayal and too long a lie.
I ruined his life.
40 years of lies.
I have tried so hard to be what he wants.
He is not healing.
He is so angry.
No IC or MC.
Just you great people here on SI.
So lonely right now.

So terribly, terribly sad....guilty, ashamed...I have ruined this good man's life...so many years together...over 45.
Sunday was our 41st wedding anniversary. It was a painful day. He said why should we celebrate when 36 years were nothing but lies?
But, ironically, he's the one who wanted to celebrate last year, our 40th. It was his idea to return to the church where we were married. I wore my wedding dress. H was handsome in his tuxedo. My sister and brother came. My brother died six months ago, and my sister said it was the happiest day in a long time for my brother.
Now, because I slipped once, my H said he won't be home on Saturday when we are hosting my brother's memorial service and scattering his ashes.
What did I do?
I failed to announce my presence! My H has his back to the door when he is on the computer. The stairs are carpeted. A few months ago he asked me to announce my presence (from before I get to the landing) so that he isn't startled. I forgot tonight. I was heading to the third floor and didn't say anything. My mind was on the funeral of a fellow parishioner tomorrow (excuse??). So, now this one instance has resulted in this current state.
Living on egg shells for 4 years.....
Advice, please.

ETA:

I really think we're done.

My H has the TV on when he is on the computer.

His hearing is not what it used to be - he's almost 66.

No, he is not hiding anything. I can see the monitor when I come upstairs.

Yes, his nerves are shot.
He suffers from PTSD.

[This message edited by looking forward at 8:03 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 6/4/2013 19:34 PM

First, I am so sorry you are hurting. I read your profile

Did you're A end in '97?

I only have the words of Jesus Christ. We are all sinners and we all need forgiveness.

If you have ended the A and love your husband you can't live in limbo.

I am sorry for the loss of your brother.

Life goes on. He needs to forgive you or let you go. You can't pay for this indefinitely.

Curious to why you have to announce your presence? What is he hiding?

Forgiveness = the greatest gift.

Prayers and hugs

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/4/2013 19:39 PM

*sigh*

(((lf)))

What did I do?
I failed to announce my presence! My H has his back to the door when he is on the computer. The stairs are carpeted. A few months ago he asked me to announce my presence (from before I get to the landing) so that he isn't startled. I forgot tonight. I was heading to the third floor and didn't say anything. My mind was on the funeral of a fellow parishioner tomorrow (excuse??). So, now this one instance has resulted in this current state.
Living on egg shells for 4 years.....

So he doesn't get startled MY ASS!! He's hiding something and you ALMOST caught him, so he re-directed everything at you, so that YOU feel guilty.

Aubrie posted 6/4/2013 19:41 PM

A few months ago he asked me to announce my presence (from before I get to the landing) so that he isn't startled.
Why? Is he easily scared? Suffers from PTSD? What is the logic in this request?

looking forward posted 6/4/2013 19:45 PM

Hello,
I am going to return to my original post and edit, as in add information.

My H has the TV on when he is on the computer.

His hearing is not what it used to be - he's almost 66.

No, he is not hiding anything. I can see the monitor when I come upstairs.

Yes, his nerves are shot.
He suffers from PTSD.

looking forward posted 6/4/2013 19:54 PM

@1Faith

No, the A ended in 1987.
But I lied about its length and the truth came out in 2009 when my H asked me a question, totally out of the blue.
We had rugswept for 22 years.

And I have God's grace.

My H says he forgives me; it's the OM, his dead BF that he can't or won't ever forgive, not that I think he should. But, IMO, this is what is preventing him from really healing.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/4/2013 19:55 PM

OK, so I have PTSD and I also have MS which causes lesions in my brain. Upon the first MS 'episode', my startle reflex tweaked. If someone startles me, my response is waaaaaaay out of proportion. Still, I say that expecting you to announce your presence OR the M ends is a bit extreme, don't you think??

looking forward posted 6/4/2013 20:02 PM

No, it's not a matter of the marriage ending. It's my feeling.
I think it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

It's been a lose-lose situation for over 4 years.
I am feeling very negative.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/4/2013 20:27 PM

I am feeling very negative.
I see that. (((lf)))

And I'm feeling very confused about what's going on. You walked upstairs without announcing your presence and now he isn't going to be there for your brother's service?? It's just not making sense to me.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/4/2013 20:31 PM

It's been a lose-lose situation for over 4 years.
And I disagree with this because of THIS:

But, ironically, he's the one who wanted to celebrate last year, our 40th. It was his idea to return to the church where we were married. I wore my wedding dress. H was handsome in his tuxedo. My sister and brother came. My brother died six months ago, and my sister said it was the happiest day in a long time for my brother.

I remember when you did that.

And I'm sorry for the loss of your brother.

looking forward posted 6/4/2013 20:49 PM

You walked upstairs without announcing your presence and now he isn't going to be there for your brother's service?? It's just not making sense to me.

It's because I disrespected him. I didn't let him know I was coming upstairs, so as to not startle him, with his nerves shot, high anxiety & stress levels.

Oh, and the 40th anniversary?
H said he did it for me, not for himself.

[This message edited by looking forward at 8:50 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/4/2013 21:21 PM

Oh, and the 40th anniversary?
H said he did it for me, not for himself.
No. Look at your profile- at the things he wrote to you. He re-committed himself to you.

It's because I disrespected him. I didn't let him know I was coming upstairs, so as to not startle him, with his nerves shot, high anxiety & stress levels.
I understand the words, just not the logic behind the behavior. I don't see how you startling him (being disrespectful, in his eyes) equals him not attending the service and honoring his BIL.

It still doesn't add up. I hate to say this, but EVERY TIME I've seen a FBS behave this way, it was for a reason, but not for the reasons they told their FWSs.

EasyDoesIt posted 6/4/2013 21:43 PM

No stop sign. BS here. I guess that he has the right to change his mind about continuing a relationship which he believes has been one big lie. Sometimes consequences for our actions are rapid and obvious, other times consequences take a while. I don't think that the surprising him was the last straw, I think it just motivated him to tell you what he's been thinking anyway. At the end of my "marriage" there wasn't anything that was the last straw, I had already decided that it was over and was just waiting for the opportunity to declare it.

looking forward posted 6/4/2013 22:06 PM

@EasyDoesIt:

You misunderstand.

H did not say that we're done.
This is totally my feelings right now.

mike7 posted 6/4/2013 22:24 PM

Lookingforward. i'm really sorry for your pain.

i think it's important not to make your failures greater than they are. I've read your story. Yep, you did a bad thing. But you did not ruin his life. Even if now he decides that he regrets he married you, you still haven't ruined his life. Not EVERYTHING was a lie. You know this. So does he.

Yep, he was betrayed by you and his best friend. That's not a happy thing. But a marital life, and trust in a friend is not life itself. his life has not been ruined. If he feels it has, that's unfortunate. But a life is more than a marriage.

maybe his love for you has been ruined. i hope not.

Please remember, you still deserve to be happy.

authenticnow posted 6/5/2013 05:45 AM

(((((lookingforward)))))

I've followed your progress on here and have been rooting for you all along. I'm sorry it's come to this. Give it some time to think on it.

I agree, you do deserve to be happy. You don't have to pay for this forever. If he isn't going to work on his issues, you can only decide what it will take to make yourself happy.

rivenheart posted 6/5/2013 06:54 AM

BS here. I don't know what to think about the entirety of the situation you're in. The two of you obviously sound like you're hurting. I have only one suggestion to make.

If your BH needs some sort of announcement of your presence so as to avoid being startled, why not install something automatic? That takes the onus off you to remember anything, and it should be a fairly quick and cheap job for an electrician. Wire a sensor on the stairs or wherever, connect it to a chime, or a light, or both, in the room or rooms he's likely to be in.

I don't know if your M is really over at this point or not, but this is something fairly easy for you to do that shows you take his concerns seriously and are willing to be pro-active about them. Just find an electrician and make the call.

redrock posted 6/5/2013 07:26 AM

Reading this I just wonder where perspective is in the whole situation.

As his partner, you have accepted his boundaries. You say you are okay with them and are confident that he isn't acting in an inappropriate way. Then why the shame and upset over one incident?

If you are committed to the boundaries and have been successful in the past, why such an overwhelmingly over the top response to a sincerely distracted moment?

Yes, it might be a BIG deal to him. But at the end of the day, he can't be so invested in gatekeeping that he ignores reason and empathy. Isn't that what he demands of you every minute of every day... no exceptions?

Disrespect towards him? That is the reason that he is choosing to stay away from a memorial service of a BIL that I will assume he had a relationship with for decades?

That is selfish punishment for an unintended harm. Boundary breach or not, it comes off like a temper tantrum intended to embarrass and make the day MORE difficult. How is that having perspective? Isn't part of his job as your spouse to be understanding in moments of grief? Or does the A wipe out all of his responsibilities and increase yours?


looking forward posted 6/5/2013 08:31 AM

Good Morning,
Thank you all for your responses.
So many emotions swirling....

Today is a special day for me. I am posting in Off Topic.

Sincerely,
lf

Aubrie posted 6/5/2013 09:04 AM

I have tried so hard to be what he wants.
Maybe he doesn't know what he wants? Where does that put you?

Your sobriety. (Congrats btw) Do you think that the reason behind your sobriety is part of his issue? Couple that with a lifetime of betrayal and that's hard stuff. Doesn't flare-ups happen around dates? Ddays, antiversaries, etc. etc.? Did your upcoming sobriety celebration trigger something inside that set him off? I don't think it's *just* the sneaking up on him. There's something more. Something is missing.

Good luck.

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