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Newest Member: Findinghope101 (61130)

User Topic: Normal 9 weeks after false R?
♀ 38375
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I give you all a situation and tell me if you think this sounds "normal" at 9 weeks past false reconciliation.
WH wanted to go out with his guy friends for the first time since d-day 2. They were getting together for an after-work bbq at one of his friends homes. WH said he didn't want to stay long, until about 9 pm. I told him no, I wanted him home by 8 because 8 is when the bedtime routine begins for our sons (6 months and almost 3), and this is extremely difficult and stressful, and when I get stressed out I trigger, and him not being home at night is also a trigger - so I knew without a doubt that him not getting home until after bedtime would be a bad situation. He was okay with that, and even offered to have me drop him off and pick him up so I could see for myself that he went there. Like I said, this is after false R, so I've already gone through what I thought was "transparency" only to find out he was betraying me even worse than prior to d-day 1. So I went ahead and dropped him off and picked him up.
Fast forward to his latest IC appt. He told his therapist about this and he says his therapist is "a little concerned" and that this needs to eventually change or I need to let go, or something like that (not sure of exact wording). WH says that he explained he was comfortable with our arrangement and understood why I needed him home early, etc. but at the same time I felt like he was also trying to stress to me that "It can't always be this way." Well of course I don't expect it to ALWAYS be this way, but this was the first time he left me home alone at night with the kids since d-day 2. Is it really fair that this was even being addressed by his IC as "concerning?" Am I going overboard as far as accountability and rebuilding trust?

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an asshole...the IC not your H!

I am sorry, he needs to find an IC that will be supportive of your attempt to R, not minimize the damage your husband has caused by first having a false R!

You are completely within reason IMO. It's great you stood up for what you wanted. Wonderful he had you drop/pick up and also that he was ok with only staying a few hours.

I would tell that IC to go shit in a hat and find a new one!

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all you are a mother of small children!!! Bedtime routine without a cheating husband is rough and stressful sounds like he lied to his IC or he is lying to you because he hasn't stopped cheating. That is not normal for 9 weeks after. He should still be sympathetic and want to make things right for you. He should be willing to do whatever for however long it takes until you have healed.

He is being a major jerk not caring about your feelings.

Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012
Exwh married his AP

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband is right, it can't always be this way. But it will be, until you feel safe.

There are many IC's that are not capable of handling infidelity, I think that's where the problem began.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are being rushed and this is wrong.
False R sucks in ways beyond even the initial dday. I totally understand and feel you. (((Hugs)))
After my own false R of 3 years which culminated with the absolute worst betrayal my husband has committed so far, I did something different. I immediately 180'd him even though I'd never heard of it's my natural way of handling his crap but then when he came crying back ( something very new...he's never been sorry or remorseful at all) I continued keeping this one idea in my head: I am going to try to get to a place of R with you but...I will NOT ask anything of you in terms of how you conduct yourself with other women and "old friends", etc...I will, however, tell you what I want and make it very clear that if you want me and my family, you will conduct yourself accordingly. Period.
If an "old friend" came around asking to spend time with him, I won't say no...I'll say do what you want. You know how I feel about it and why. Then, it's up to him. End of story. Its up to him to handle himself and its up to me to handle my part of things and not back down if he goes ahead with something I do not want. It has worked flawlessly so far BUT for the first time ever, he is truly remorseful so he is very careful to not do hurtful things. I am SO grateful because during false R, this wasn't the case...he did whatever he wanted.
I hope that might help you a little bit with ideas but he's can't go on forever but not because he doesn't deserve for it to if he's doing things that discomfit you. It can't go on forever because its not right that you should have to live under the hurt and stress of it.

Me: 44 BS
Him: 40 FWS
Ow: 47 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 23, 20, 19, 17, 12
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
♀ 39393
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing.

Either IC is a cracked nut or your husband exaggerated something somewhere to the IC or to you.

If he didn't want to play this game, then he shouldn't have lost your trust. He's lucky that you even offer to play the game with him to reconcile. That's a lot of work for you to keep track of 2 little ones and one big one.

Married 11/11/11
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
You know perfectly that you can only change what you accept....never forget that there are two kinds of pain, the one that hurts and the one that makes you change.

Posts: 259 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
♀ 6330
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New therapist!

Posts: 5485 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
♀ 39377
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS and I have been to IC, MC, pastors, etc. & sadly there are counselors/pastors, etc. that do more harm than good. I learned to not believe the iterations of WS IC appointments and whenever in doubt would bring WS claims up in MC when necessary. Example the LMFT who suggested WS have a scheduled, deserved weekly BJ (from me as far as I understood). When brought up by me in joint sessions said counselor suggested WS was not being honest. It wasnt even questionable, no way, no how would he ever suggest that to anyone. Of course WS expressed irritation and disdain, claimed said counselor had lied to me to cover his ass. Bet you can guess who I tend to believe more... But I also am very suspect of counselors after a few incidents like this.
When in doubt, verify claims made.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he told you that his IC told him that?

I'd want to know how he framed this to the IC and if that's actually what the IC said, or if that's something your WH "interpreted" for his own purposes.

Either way, the idea that "it can't always be this way" is complete and utter bullshit. Yes it can always be this way and I would argue that it should always be that way.
What's so horrific and limiting about leaving a gathering an hour early? He should WANT to be home and help with the kids. They are his kids and this part of their lives goes by so quickly. He will never get that time back. I doubt that this BBQ will even be remembered by him when he is old and nearing the end of his life. It won't have been a significant time. I think his priorities still need some adjusting and I am not sure that at 9 weeks post false R...I'd be so quick to believe that his reports about IC are 100% accurate.

A couple putting one another ahead of bbq's and friends....who are being respectful and helping one another in carrying out their shared responsibilities should be the norm...not the exception.

I don't see this as going overboard on your part in the least.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 5:50 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

oops I accidentally erased my old signature and I'm sorry for all of my edits, it seems I need glasses.

Posts: 2411 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 9

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