When I started on SI, there was an ongoing thread titled something like, 'The A didn't make your M better - you did.'
Hard to find truer words, IMO.
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I don't think R makes you angry - if you're angry, you're angry. I do think you'll feel a lot of anger in R, and it's when you don't ever feel angry that you may have a problem. You've been betrayed - if you don't feel the angry at being betrayed, you're not handling anger well.
Anger is just a feeling. It's part of being human. There are healthy and unhealthy ways of handling it, but it's in us all.
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My W & I had a relationship that was really good, except that we both missed the downward spiral my W went into about 5 years ago, and I had missed all along my W's self-hate.
In other words, our relationship was fine on the surface, but one of us was very shaky as an individual. We were both at our best in our relationship.
Woulda/coulda/shoulda don't mean much to me, but if my W had addressed her self-hate earlier, we could have avoided the A. But the nature of self-hate makes it pretty hard to address - it's easy to feel you're a terrible person and deserve everything bad that you get.
So...'what is, is' is about the only way I can live.
T/J - Yikes! I'd like to see a meaningful sentence in which 'is' appears more than 3 time in succession....
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:41 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.