Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
The thing is, with abusers? As long as they don't admit it's abuse, then it isn't abuse in their eyes. Only what they think counts.
Step away from the kool-aid.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
You seem to understand, clearly, that how you behave is your responsibility. Why can't you see that how he behaves is his responsibility? Whether, or not, he "sees" it is his reponsibility to figure out. The consequences of his choices rest with him.
He doesn't and never did want to leave his job. He doesn't even want to expend the energy to do so. He doesn't think the things he has done to me is emotionally or verbally abusive.
Or is this gas lighting at it's finest?
oh dear - no this is much much worse.
This is having absolute no respect or feelings for you or your heart.
This is worse then hate, its apathy. At least with hate there are feelings - but with apathy, there's nothing.
You are not going crazy at all - looks like you are finally the most sane you have ever been to fully see his true self.
Sending you tons of hugs.
Wouldn't it be better if I just sucked it up for them?
I learned this the hard way - I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping my family together. I was so wrong, so very very wrong.
edited to fix grammar
[This message edited by reclaimingmyself at 8:52 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
How someone else behaves is not your fault!!!
This ^^^ a million times over. Stop thinking if you would have handled things "abc," he would have been "xyz" instead of "FuckTard." He's going to be FuckTard no matter what you do..
You CANNOT change him or how he treats you. But you can detach and put up boundaries and distance yourself from him. It's really the only way..
About the daydreaming and wishing someone would "save" you, I think it's important to realize that no one should have too much control or power over your happiness. You cannot always depend on someone else to give that to you. Try to detach enough from your WH to where what he says doesn't affect how you feel about yourself. Take your emotional power back and don't rely on him to make you feel good or bad..
But logistically, you could probably use some help. I would start reaching out to friends, family, shelters, web sites, local resources, whatever you can find to help you. Emotionally, you need to save yourself. Physically, it's okay to look for someone to help "save" you from your situation. I'm not happy being a single mom now, but I know it can be done..
And I know it feels unfair or selfish to the kids, but it's not.at.all. One of the big lessons I'm trying to teach my older son is that he does not have to put up with people who treat him poorly. And people do not have to (and probably will not) put up with him if he treats them poorly. I think we are supposed to set examples for them and live our lives how we hope they will live theirs.. I know you wouldn't want them to stay in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, so I don't think you should either.. Show them what boundaries look like, and what the consequences should be for breaking them..
A good quote I saw on here:
“You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance — you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.”
— Daniell Koepke
I think this is a good lesson for you AND your kids.
Big huge hugs girl.. I very much wish I could come give you a real hug..
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:48 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
He thinks that it's all my opinion. And if someone else could see his actions and words differently than I do then it can't be abuse. He says I have never approached him the right way. I never shared my feelings the right way.
TCD, holy hell, hugs. It's so textbook. THEY ALL USE THIS.
You know it, I know it, every lovely and unfortunate member of this forum knows it: we've all communicated in every way we could think of. We've switched words, tone, mode, timing, and tried anything/everything to help them to understand.
You have to trust yourself. You have to. I know it's hard. It's really difficult to stand firm under the onslaught of the person you trusted most doing whatever they can to tear you down.
You can do this. Money is important, but it's never important enough to stay in a bad situation. Your kids will be happiest when all of you are in a healthy situation.
You get to decide this. You're not crazy. There's nothing wrong with you. You are allowed to be happy and be respected and prioritized.
A good friend explained something to me that made a lot of sense:
I'm really straight forward, so I keep expecting WH to communicate with me the way I communicate. But WH will communicate the way WH communicates (lie, twist, manipulate, deny, weasel). He has his own narrative and speaks his own language (which is foreign to me).
I finally had to accept that he will not change and I will never understand what he says or does. It was hard taking the first steps toward taking care of myself, but it gets easier with each step.
He said in a nutshell:
I like my job. They have been accommodating towards me in the aftermath of my affair. I make a lot of money... money I would not make elsewhere because my job is so specialized. I like my job. That is pretty cut and dry to me that he did not want to leave his job.
I guess I am confused as to if this is just occurring to you, or what exactly is going on.
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 5:02 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
He says I have never approached him the right way. I never shared my feelings the right way.
Yeah. Mine did that too. And if he walked away because he didn't want to hear what I was saying...that was ok. And if I walked away, I was being mean and cruel...
Fuck his crazy ass way of thinking. There is no making sense of a person that is so selfish.
And as far as you sucking this up for the kids...fuck that too. I'm a much better mother now that ex-shat is gone. No more drama...no more emotionally draining days trying to be what he needs. No more wondering when my emotional needs will be met.
You are not crazy! Please don't doubt or question yourself, since that is exactly what he wants. He wants you to be confused, weak and full of self-doubt. That keeps him in the more powerful position.
Exactly. He is trying to break you down to keep control and power over you. Don't let him!!
He is making his choices, with his job, with his attitude towards you, with everything.
I'm not sure how long he thought he could keep this up and you would continue to suck it up. As long as he was making you feel crazy and bad about yourself, he was having all the control and power over you. But this ends when you say it does.
My example I like to use is that waywards need to be shown the door. Then, they can fight like hell to get back in or leave. Holding them back from the door and trying to get them to see the light just doesn't work. It only leads to cake-eating and the wayward thinking they can always do whatever they want since the betrayed will continue to try to figure out what's wrong and fix it. I think showing them the door is the ONLY way to lead to something healthy. They have to realize that their actions WILL have consequences and they WILL lose you if they continue their deplorable behavior.
Sadly, in my case, he walked away, but that means he was never going to have true remorse anyway, so it lead to something healthy, me being rid of the POS!
I've seen reconciled betrayed spouses say as well that true R didn't happen until they put their foot down. You just have to if you want to get out of limbo..
You need to get away from this guy. I don't know if this will ever lead to him truly waking up and realizing what he has to do to win you back (I think he's too abusive for that given your posts here and in General), but I know YOU will be a lot healthier and stronger when you seriously stand up for yourself and refuse to take his crap anymore..