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its getting to me, i hate myself for missing him so much, wanting to see him, wanting to be with him, wanting "us" again

I hate this rollar coaster ride, I recently posted that i was done and now this??? WTF?????

It doesnt help that our son's birthday, Father's day and WH's birthday is coming up

But I just miss him so much, I want to feel his arms around me, I want him to hold me and tell me this nightmare is over, that he is back to stay, that it is over with OW, I hate this so much

Havent seen him in almost 11 weeks, hardly talk on the phone and not many texts.

Sorry about this but I just needed to get it out somehow, texting or calling him is not an option, he doesnt need to know how desperate i am right now, this will pass i know

And none of my friends can relate to what i am going through, by now, many are probably sick of it

Guess it will be a night crying myself to sleep, glad i dont have as many moments like this anymore but for whatever reason, it is really overwhelming tonight

You are very strong.

I'm sorry that you are alone with this right now.

I seen you posted and I wanted to reply, just to say hey.

My mom used to say to me, "what do you think we will be doing at this same time a year from today? Do you think we will be sitting on the front porch, counting stars and listening to the crickets? Or will we be doing something else?" or she would say, "my gosh, do you remember where we were last year at this time? Remember, how we were on that trail ride and the horses got loose and we didn't get any sleep because of it. Now, we sold that horse and are training a new one."

The point is, time changes. A year from now, where will you be? Two years from now, where will you be? Will it be a hot summer or a cool one like it is this year?

Appreciate the little things. Appreciate the smell of fresh cut grass, the sound of singing birds, the smell of lilacs or whatever happy little thoughts you can imagine.

Having him back isn't the only thing that can make you happy. Maybe it would for a moment, but then the bad memories will come through and it won't be worth it.

Good luck to you. It's ok to cry. And afterwards, wipe your tears, get your favorite od tshirt on and sing and dance to some Taylor Swift "trouble".

sunshine226 I was in the same place emotionally two nights ago. It is a lonely, horrid place in the moment. Thankfully I had SI forums to keep me company and help me through because like you I can't really talk to anyone else besides an IC about these feelings that bombard me at any given time of any given day.

((hugs))

its like WH sensed something was wrong, he text me this morning and told me that it wont be much longer, but I have heard that for so long now, but i just cant help but wonder?!

There is something going on out there with OW, he wont tell me what it is, I have asked him so many times but he just says dont worry about it.

OW has a lot of medical issues, probably mental too (wouldnt be surprised based on some conversations i have had with it).

I have access to his bank account (view only) but he has no idea, no big red flags there, racking my brain trying to figure out why he is still with her, he has told me she uses guilt sometimes. OW claims to have had a rough life. PFT, a real winner

He told me back at the end of April that he would be back between then and his birthday which is coming up, so I am going to try to hang on until then (please be gentle with the replies )

After then, my heart will give up, I have a plan and I will put it in motion, I will be done then.

But still i want to just smack myself and smarten up, I dont know why i keep doing this to myself, love??????? our history?????? the memories????????

So you are ok with being second choice? Because if you were first choice.... You wouldn't be waiting for him to come back.

It is like she is the wife and you are the OW... And he is telling you to wait for him to leave his wife. Does that make any sense to you?