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Austin posted 6/4/2013 23:02 PM

D day just 3 days ago. After 30 yes of marriage H sits me down and tells me he had an A with a 30 yr old from his work. Most likely would not have told me but he got herpes from her. Swears it was just sex but I always told him that I would never tolerate infidelity and it would be the end of our marriage. Now I am just numb and reality is I still love him but how can I go against my word and ever try to forgive him! He says he found out how empty that type of love less sex is and he is truly sorry and would never do again. How can I believe him?

sadallthetime posted 6/5/2013 00:03 AM

[This message edited by sadallthetime at 12:11 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

sadallthetime posted 6/5/2013 00:08 AM

[This message edited by sadallthetime at 12:14 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

sadallthetime posted 6/5/2013 00:09 AM

Oh, (((Austin))), my heart goes out to you. I, also, found out after almost 30 years that I thought was a good marriage, with a good man, that would never, ever betray me. He did, in the worst possible ways. Take a deep breath, be glad that you found SI, read, read, read everything here, especially in the libraries. It's overwealming! Don't believe a word he says. It will be much worst than you think - please, please believe me! It will be! The OW with us was also much younger than FWH - 30 years younger! he also gave me herpes! Feel free to PM me. I will be happy to talk with you. Most of all take care of yourself. I am almost 4 years out, 2 great adult kids, thought my marriage was good and am devastated but finally my FWH & I are picking up the pieces and moving on. My thoughts & prayers are with you

momentintime posted 6/5/2013 01:37 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. It is such a blow to the self esteem.

My H's OW was 24 years younger and a co-worker. I also thought infidelity would be a deal breaker, but found I too loved my H. I found out on a Monday and just the previous week OW had moved 1800 miles away. Not sure how it would have worked out if it was still on when I discovered the A. We are 9 years out and doing fine.

You don't have to decide anything right now. You need time to process the info. I asked the same questions over and over for months until I could process it all. It does get better. We are 9 yrs out, doing great, however it will always be there for me. We have a loving M, but different.

SI will always be here for you.

noprincess posted 6/5/2013 07:33 AM


So sorry you are here! Everyone here can understand and relate to the world of pain you are feeling right now. You will get great counsel and support.

Take care of yourself physically and emotionally as best you can - your world has just been blown to bits and you're in a fragil place. Read as much as you can here and in the Healing Library.

You are likely in no condition to make any major decisions - don't. Give yourself time to process the tramua and get information together.

No matter what the specifics of your betrayal - you will find wonderful people here who can relate and offer support. In my case, the OW was half my Hs age - and that alone is ego crushing! Many BS have contracted STDs because of the As and sadly, some have given it to their spouses. For this reason, you need to make an appointment with your doctor to be tested - remember YOU are the priority now.

You may not believe it now, but you will get through this. Sending hugs (((Austin))) and strength.

painpaingoaway posted 6/5/2013 07:42 AM

Welcome sweetie. Have YOU been tested yet? If not, do so ASAP.

My H gave me his whores STD after 30 something yrs of marriage.

Please strike while the iron is hot while he is still remorseful, and have him sign a post-nup, and take a polygraph NOW to verify what he is telling you. Don't even bother trying to decide whether or not you want R or D at this point, just concentrate on gathering info and evidence. Trust me, later on you will so glad you did. BUT, you must do it NOW.

savvy posted 6/5/2013 08:11 AM

Sorry you had to find this website, but glad that you did, it helps. My H after also being together 30 years had an A with a 30 year old woman (I shouldn't even call her a woman). I too said I would never tolerate infidelity but my love is stronger than I thought. I don't know where we are going but I do hope to R. It is as I'm sure your finding out such a painful, and debilitating thing to happen. Just know you can always post here and we will all have your back. I wish you peace and strength.
(((hugs))) savvy

Austin posted 6/6/2013 01:20 AM

Thank you all for your support. I continue to feel like I am on a roller coaster. I cant even believe I am in this position, never ever did I think he would betray me.

I appreciate the validation you guys give. Its the only thing that reminds me that I am only "temporarily insane"!

Dare2Trust posted 6/6/2013 02:45 AM


You stated:

Now I am just numb and reality is I still love him but how can I go against my word and ever try to forgive him!

You don't need to make that decision at this point:
In my opinion - "forgiveness" is like trust - I needs to be earned.
So, don't worry about forgiveness right now. Just take things one step at a time.

Read the articles in The Healing Library in the yellow box in the left corner.

There's several things your husband needs to do to start the healing process:
He needs to send the OW (Other Woman) a No Contact Letter, informing her this affair is OVER, and that she's nevert contact him again on a personal level, by phone, text, email unless the contact is strictly work related.

If the OW is married - her husband needs to be told about the affair immediately. He deserves to know.
Then your husband must be totally transparent, and give you access to his phones, emails, texts; so you can VERIFY that all contact with OW has ended.

Is your husband willing to seek counseling to address why he cheated in the first place?

Your husband has lots of work to do to FIX this mess he's made --- THEN, you can decide you you're willing to continue on with the marriage and work towards reconciliation.

I'm so sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through. We're here to help and support you.

betrayed2years posted 6/6/2013 03:47 AM

Austin, sorry your here,last Nov. my wife called me at work and said she was sick, and could i come home, so when i got home, she was crying and said,"i had a affair 2 years ago, and i think i have a S.T.D",so i know what your feeling,you need to get tested A.S.A.P. thank goodness i don't have it, we used protection,but the pain of being cheated on lasts for a long time,you need to know what he did, and how many times they did it, there is so many questions, it sucks, we have all been there...done that, this is a great place for support, read the healing library, the people in here can really help,right now your heart is broken,you feel betrayed,used, and there is no better place to vent,and ask for advice,good luck Austin,
me-BS 53
M-32 years
D-Day,Nov,2012,Dec,2012,and every discussion about it since then.

jojo42 posted 6/6/2013 07:40 AM

It's easy to say you would leave if you were cheated on BEFORE it happens. Once it happens, they way you react may be totally different than you thought it would be- that certainly was the case for me. I feel your pain, and your numbness.

madsadalone posted 6/6/2013 08:15 AM

After 26 years of marriage, I too always said I would not tolerate infidility, yet here I am still dazed and confused.

You are in safe place. Read, read, read. Take care of you.

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