First thing is welcome and I'm so sorry you had to find us.
#1 motto for us betrayed spouses (BS) is
There is nothing you said or didn't say, there is nothing you did or didn't do to make your spouse cheat and lie. NOTHING !!
Your WW (wayward wife) chose to handle whatever issues she had in the marriage or her past by getting a "fix" with another man (OM). She chose to solve her needs or wants outside the vows.
For you to reconcile with her, she has to own her own shit and not blame anyone for her actions and choices.There has to be true remorse not regret of being found out. Huge differences.
Have you read in the healing library listed on left of this page ? I would recommend starting there.
Is there anything even worth saving at this point?
Her actions must match her words if there is anything to be saved.
how do I explain to her how she has made me feel without her claiming Im attacking her, or is she just never going to get it?
Many WWs especially takes on the victim role and gets defensive. How about writing your feelings and thoughts, like a letter to yourself and not her. it might open her eyes but it would be good for you to put your thoughts in words.
Big Hugs and you now have thousands that understand because we've been there.
[This message edited by gma56 at 2:43 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]