Heya all. I'm really glad that after lurking here for a while and trying to gather my shit up I finally have something to post in the Just Found Out forum, so hooray for me.
Please be warned that my tone is very flippant and snarky, but I assure you that I'm taking this all very seriously. It's just the only way I know how to communicate, especially when things are uncomfortable.
The short version is that it turns out my ex-husband was/is a cheater and was/is a drug addict, which is also special, because he hid that garbage from me, too. The slightly longer version is that my story (which I thought was super-duper unique until I actually started listening to people and stopped talking) might serve as an object lesson to others. If you are reading this site, it probably won't, because nobody armed with the knowledge people here regularly discuss would make such ridiculous life-altering decisions as I did.
I could also use some advice, because even though I am free of him, I still feel a codependent (it gives me chills admitting that) urge to go back and fix his trashcan life. Oh, and there are unresolved emotions from over a decade ago that decided to fall on my face like a million tons of bricks.
So, on with the story.
I was involved in a long term relationship with a woman throughout my teens and my early 20s. One day, I discovered that she was having a long distance affair with a Canadian dude, a guy I played board-games with, and my childhood best friend. Well, it wasn't all discovered on one day, it was TT-ed like mad. Anyway, I flipped, felt completely betrayed, and did all the normal stuff people do when they find out something so goddamn humiliating, so I did the rational thing and told her that I was completely okay with this behavior.
This was after I decided to get my emotions under control. Feeling spun for 3 weeks was just too much for a smart guy like me to handle, so I went to a shrink and lied about my condition so I could get put on Fluvoximine and walk out with a diagnosis for obsessive compulsive disorder. There was some doctor shopping involved, but I was a psyche major, so it wasn't difficult to bullshit my way into not thinking about her affairs. Within no time I convinced myself that I actually was OCD, and other numerous lies that would make my situation much easier to handle.
Not long after my self-medication, WGF decided to hook up with my best friend and form a poly unit. I said this was super cool when she told me, which was minutes after she gave him a blow job. I lied to him and said that I not only knew about his affair with my long term girlfriend, but I approved of it. That is how “under control” I was. A goddamn puppet master and not at all like a person who could be hurt by the actions of others.
A phenominal rug-sweeping was done. I thought that accepting the past and officially hooking up with my friend would somehow stop the behavior that hurt me and we could just be happy. This was obviously not the case, so the cheating continued with my WGF, who became my WW not long after the poly relationship began (not legally, of course).
I did everything I could not to focus on her continued affairs, and lied and misdirected everyone who was around me, but mostly myself. When cracks would form, and when I would see that she was still hiding things from me I would up my dose and gaslamp the shit out of myself because facing up to the fact that I wasn't in control was so horrifying that anything else would be better.
So, at this point we have....
Me (BH)
Her (WW who was WGF)
and Him (WH who was OM)
there was also a cat, but that's not important
So I became more distant from her, and latched onto my WH, who would never ever never ever ever ever EVER cheat on me. I put him on a pedestal so high his ass blocked out the sun. I couldn't even imagine him ever screwing around when he took all those private trips where he stayed in some chick's room... they were only saving money on hotel fees, dig? So what if he did some sexual roleplay online? What's the big deal, he can do whatever he wants because he would never actually fuck someone outside of our completely equalateral and closed poly unit.
Eventually, someone was added to the poly unit. A lovely female plaything for my wife, who was also given a line about how equal and liberating this experience was going to be. This addition was made behind my back, but whatevs (I was sooooo cool with that, see?) She was encouraged to form emotional and physical bonds with the two guys, me and the WH, but she really had to stay primarily attached at the hip to the WW. So, for the sake of this narrative, let's call her BGF (foreshadowing!)
We all pretended this was totally cool and we were all allowed to do whatever with whomever we wanted within the closed poly unit. There were four of us now, and I was in a completely hopeless codependent relationship with WH, a dry and emotionally devestating relationship with WW, and I didn't seem interested in forming a romantic relationship with BGF, because I just wanted to sit around with her and talk about Star Trek and didn't see the appeal of dating her because she didn't constantly lie to me and make me feel just like when the guy who abused me as a child abandoned me.
Somehow, during those 6 years of the 4-person unit I grew up a little and then discovered that being fucked over and out wasn't cool, and the BGF and I did actually hook up so we could talk about Star Trek and not lie to each other. She felt obligated to have a relationship with WH, who I still loved and thought would never do me wrong.
The update is:
Me (BH)
Her (WW)
Him (WH)
and Better Her (BGF)
My relationship with BGF was unacceptable to the group, so after some very tense attempts, it fell apart and BGF got the boot, and I went with her. My WW didn't seem too put out by this, and the dissolution of our 20 year relationship couldn't pull her away from online roleplaying long enough for her to say goodbye. WH and I were still best of buds, so there was no need to mourn the end of our marriage, because we were bestest (codependent) buds.
While drinking at a local pub, my WH offered the opportunity for me to continue my sexual relationship with him on the down-low, which I declined. I told my new Only-Girlfriend about it (the BGF from the poly unit) and called his proposal “Sixpack Mountain”. I thought that was incredibly funny, because I deal with uncomfortable situations through humor.
--Fast Forward--
Years go by. WH and I are still kinda besties, but there is something... gnawing at me, almost like there might've been some deception going on. BGF and I are married, so I'm going to just call her my wife now. My wife helped me start dealing with this thing called, “me”, which has been very good at bullshitting itself into getting hurt over the last 35 years.
My wife and I move to a different state, I get a great job, and we make a life. In the back of my mind, and my heart, I still love my bestest bud, the guy who would never ever betray me, the dude I met when we were just kids and would tell me EVERYTHING. But, as these things go, we became a little distant.
One day, I start reading a website called “Surviving Infedelity” because this subject has some sort of pull over me. There's a feeling I get when I read some of these stories, like a dry sucking horror in my chest that makes me want to cry and shout and roll on the floor and curse everyone who has ever known me. I read and read and read and my wife asks me questions about what I'm reading. It takes a little while to realize I'm reading all of the mistakes I made, and that I'm reading about a process I should've gone through years ago. I'm reading about what it's like for people to admit that they were hurt, and that they didn't change their lives to suit the terrible situation they were in... like I did.
I just sighed when it all became clear. I swept all my hurt under the rug because I couldn't possibly accept that I wasn't in control. Reading more also explained my relationship with my WH, and how I turned a blind eye to him, put him on a pedestal, and had a mercilessly codependent relationship with him. All the hurt of my life came crashing back, so I had to confront him.
That confrontation happened Saturday, and it turns out I had no idea who that man was. He did fuck around on me, but he was on drugs, so he can't remember exactly who he banged so it doesn't count. Drugs. I have known him for his entire adult and teenage life, and I had no idea he was doing drugs. Of course I didn't, because he was hiding it from me and I didn't want to see it. My relationship with him, our SUPER AWESOME alternative marriage, stick-it-to-the-man lifestyle.... it was all horseshit. I loved a lie, and I thought the lie loved me.
During our talk, he blithely asked why it bothered me so much now that we weren't together any more, and then proceeded to say that we were still “inseparable” and “cosmically linked”. I thought about vomiting on his shoes when he said that. Yeah dude, you can lie to me and make me your chump for decades but we're still cool. Go fuck yourself.
The confrontation itself was so fucking insane and darkly comedic that I can't write about it now, but at least I got all the truth I needed. He wouldn't give me names, but I don't need them. I just needed to know that my suspicions were right, and that I need to work on coming to terms with some shit. I go between laughing about the encounter (the night before, in a drug addled stupor, he managed to misplace his car, his wallet, his keys, and his fucking pants in a nearby residential neighborhood) to crying to feeling rage... but thankfully my wife is here to keep me from going completely batshit. I'm trying to remind myself that this is all for the best and it's not a Good Thing to change your brain chemistry, living situation, and life just to avoid dealing with emotions.
Final update
Me (BH - 37)
The Her That Matters (BW – 30)
and some people from our past who we are no longer with
...and a new cat
Thanks for reading my long and ridiculous story, and I'm looking forward to absorbing the wisdom you all have to offer. Even though it sucks to be going through all of this crap now, it finally feels as if I'm making progress in seeing my past for what it was.