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Dont know how to handle it

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EmotionalFool posted 6/5/2013 07:02 AM

1)Yesterday we both were in a better mood. We went out .. had a good time.. came home. We both were cuddling and started doing stuff... I could see he was having a good time and enjoying the naughty stuff (after a long time) I could feel it in his eyes.. his touch
And then all of a sudden his mood changed. He was sad. We stopped. After few mins I asked him if he wanted to tell me what was going on in his mind. He said he was getting intimate .. and had feelings for me .. That scared him. I was stunned.. I was prepared for angry/disgusted/disappointed .. but afraid!!! He said he feels like he loved me so much for so many yrs but it din matter at all...
I wanted to tell him it wasnt true .. I did love him.. it was a distorted version of love but i did love him the way I knew .. i wanted to tell him that I would never ever hurt him again .. but I thought isnt that silent agreement every couple has when they r in relationship.. I was so caught off guard that all I could say was "I am sorry I have made this so difficult for you. "

It broke my heart .. to see him struggle.. How do I handle such situations?? I know my words wont really make any difference..

2) We continued our discussion and he asked many question which I answered..

Bit of a background:
When Dday happened .. I was still hiding some stuff for few days.. I din know the concept of Dday or TT..
The way he reacted on/after Dday had shaken me at my core. I knew he would hurt when he would find out.. but THIS?? I couldnt believe he could hurt like this..
I feared if THIS is how he reacts now what will happen when he knows everything .. I kept hiding stuff for couple of weeks.. I was searching on net though and reading SI fanatically

I got to know the concept of Dday and TT.. I found profiles of BSs who had multiple Ddays and my god.. I couldn’t believe every hidden truth was another potential Dday. The thought of hurting him like THAT scared me more than telling the truth .. I CAN NOT/WILL NOT hurt him like that ever again .. so I gathered the courage and told him everything..

We do discuss things over and over again. I answer his questions the best way I can. I haven’t written a timeline though. I have tried multiple times and everytime I end up raging and not completing it. However I can discuss with him whatever he needs and he has noted down few details. I am ok with that.

There are sometimes when I remember things out of the blue and I share them with him. Yesterday when he was asking questions and I described an event to him .. he said I had added few details this time. I was stunned. I asked “really?” He said that’s not what I had told him before. I had changed the sequence of events.

This has happened before. Sometimes I do remember same thing differently. Sometimes I add/remove some details. Or remember a different sequence of events. Yesterday I told him honestly that’s how I remember it NOW.

But today this whole thing is making me very nervous. I read another thread where the truth was found out after many years. I DO NOT want him to have another Dday. My goodness… I would prefer walking away than hurt him like that.

I am not sure how to handle this. Should I write it down and refer to it (or ask him to refer to it) every time he asks? Today I m so confused what was the actual sequence of events? The one I told him before or the one I could recollect yesterday?
I think its what I said yesterday but why din I say it like that before? I din even remember what I had told him before. These are not the huge details. These are minute ones but still I feel it affects trust building. I NEVER think about these details on my own or even go through it unless he asks me to do so. Even if I write it down .. what if I remember it differently after few months…

I have read here that writing a timeline was healing for some… I am not so sure.. I cant get past the rage while writing

mike7 posted 6/5/2013 07:17 AM

write it down. everything. just for yourself. put in everything you can possibly remember. then, if he asks, you can remember what you wrote. Or... you can refer to what you wrote. that way you will never remember things differently.

itainteasy posted 6/5/2013 08:47 AM

I really do think a timeline would help your healing, and CL's.

Even if you're raging while you're writing it. I think you have to let that out so you can work through it. Do you have IC? Maybe you can write your timeline during your sessions, so when you're raging, your therapist can help you identify why you're so angry.

And when it's complete you can tell CL that you have a timeline and he can read it anytime he wants to.

solus sto posted 6/5/2013 13:56 PM

The good thing about a written timeline is that you can add to it, as you remember new details.

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