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Is it possible to R if I cannot stand my Wh's job?

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brokensmile322 posted 6/5/2013 08:37 AM

Here's the thing...

He's had the same type of job our whole relationship. It never bothered me Pre-A. I trusted him to make good choices.

As he moved ahead, his job did get more and more opportunities of socialization. There was more traveling, meetings, conventions, team building etc... I do know from my own short stint in the workplace that team building and camaraderie does happen in any job. Even if you don't have a job like his, there are still nights out, maybe, luncheons, the pot-lucks etc... that occur.

My WH worked with OW. He got a new job and it is the same thing. Intellectually I KNOW this. She's not around, but there are other women and the reality is... THERE ARE WOMEN IN THE WORLD. I can't keep him in a bubble.


I met with my IC yesterday because I told her that I am thinking more and more of D. And really the reason is not that he isn't doing what he should or we don't enjoy each other's company etc, it is that his job drives me crazy now. She asked me if I am willing to throw away our marriage, have my children see us 50%, miss holidays etc, live alone, struggle financially etc... because I don't like his job.

She said I could meet anyone else out there and they might not have his same job, but they will have the same types of events. She said virtually any profession has these types of things. She asked me to get to the bottom of why I would rather throw him away than deal with my feelings.

And it is anxiety...anxiety that I will lose him, that he is in these situations that give him the opportunity, that there are women who will always be around and I would rather get rid of him so I wouldn't have to feel that?

She said she finds it so interesting that I would be willing to throw him away than to try to work through that feeling. It's the anxiety "Fight or Flight" feeling and I am wanting to choose to flee.

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone have any ideas how to try to work through these thoughts? I realize that intellectually they do not seem rational and maybe they aren't.


rachelc posted 6/5/2013 09:33 AM

I completely understand. We could move and there will still be other women.

We had the rug pulled out from under us though, and that takes time to heal from. I am feeling better about this kind of thing but it REALLY did bother me and still kinda does.

My therapist would never say that to me - my old one would - but she says things like, "as you heal, this won't bother you as much." or "as you feel good about yourself, this wont bother you as much."

I think it might always give me a little anxiety but it would if I was with someone else, as you said. That's the shit sandwich we've been dealt.

What you are feeling is very normal, IMHO. And, you are realizing that it might not be rational thought and that scares you. That feeling of not being in control is such a helpless feeling, I so get that. Just recognizing this is good!

There have been so many times when I've just wanted to run! I'm in EMDR therapy and that is helping me. We have Ddays that are close together.

((brokensmile)) - not sure if this helps but you are not alone!

musiclovingmom posted 6/5/2013 10:03 AM

I hate my H's job. It makes plenty of money for us to pay the bills without me working and gives him a sense of pride in providing for his family. I would never ask him to leave it. However, he has no set schedule. A quick job can turn into an 18 hour day and an overnight trip can turn into a week. Happens all the time. And every time I freak out. I check phone records and bank statements and e-mail accounts and fb account and and and. We are almost 10 months out and on all of the very few occasions where I saw something that made me wonder, it has checked out as legitimate. Though I experience a high amount of anxiety, it has given him hundreds of chances to prove he is being honest and trustworthy.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/5/2013 11:29 AM

I love my WW's job, but hate that she still works with OM.

It's her dream job.

I keep hearing that once I trust her again, the job and proximity won't matter. That feels a long ways away from now.

I feel your pain, you're not alone.

doesitgetbetter posted 6/5/2013 12:08 PM

IMO, you don't trust him yet so you don't trust anyone to be around him. It's not the other women of the world that you should be worried about, it's only your WH. He's the one that should keep himself out of bad situations. He's the one that should place boundaries on interactions with other women. He's the one that should safeguard your M.

There are women all over that are happy to take a married man, regardless of the type of job, where they work, if they work together, etc. etc. etc. My H was a cable tech when he had a customer come onto him HARD one day, and he fell for it and had sex with his customer, whom he'd just met 4 hours earlier. I know a guy who worked in a gas station, and he had sex with a customer in the bathroom while on duty one time. I have a relative who's spouse had sex repeatedly with another relative on several different occasions. It happens all over, in all kinds of situations, no matter what.

I get it, I really do. I hated my H's job after DDay just like you. My H not only had sex with a customer, he also would meet up with all of the other OW's while he was supposed to be "working" and have sex with them during the day as well. There was no way for me to track him, and he had no missing time because he travelled from job to job to job. H quit his job for a while and got another job, and I found that I was still anxious about him being there. It was a completely different field and totally different work setting, but it still bothered me because of those females that were still all over the place.

I had to come to terms with the fact that my H is the problem, not the female species. I should be able to trust my H to work anywhere, and if I can't, then we shouldn't be married.

I trust my H now, and he's back doing cable work and has been for several years now. I don't worry about the women out there, I worry about only him. My anxiety is gone about his job, because I believe he is trustworthy once again.

cds22 posted 6/5/2013 12:19 PM

Hmmm . . . I know our situations are different because my H is a SA (and I am not implying yours is). But the ONLY nice thing about the SA situation is that there are a lot of structures and supports for accountability. For business travel, my H currently has a set of requirements imposed b his IC: checks into IC's VM twice per day, no more than two drinks ever, advance plan for how to spend alone and down time etc. He also is in the process of getting a sponsor via SAA and when that happens the sponsor will take on more of that check-in and accountability role.

I wish there was a system like this for those with regular infidelity. I don't think it is realistic sometimes to expect the person to go from affairs to monogamy presto without substantial supports and accountability. And I think it is a VERY bad situation for the betrayed spouse to be the accountability and check in person.

I wonder if there is some support or equivalent you and your H could access?

Dawnie posted 6/5/2013 12:38 PM

I am D from my XWH and remarried to a man who has never given me any reason to doubt him, he goes out of his was to make me feel secure in our relationship because he knows what I dealt with in my previous marriage. BUT.... he works at a large hospital as a HVAC Technician which means that on a daily basis he encounters hundreds of nurses and female hospital workers... and I hate it. I hate knowing that there is constant opportunity for him and I know that there are plenty of them who would love to have him and openly flirt with him... but I know that this is my issue, not his. I have no choice but to trust him and some days when I am feeling down on myself its hard. I do not tell him my fears, I dont want him to feel that I dont trust him because he doesnt deserve that. This is just something that I have to work through in my head and hopefully one day I will be done with feeling this way.. O soooo feel your pain!


sisoon posted 6/5/2013 15:28 PM

You've got to go after your underlying feelings - if you remove the ostensible cause of your anxiety, I expect another cause will pop up in its place.

If I were going through this, I think I'd be afraid my W would cheat again ... so the issue for me would be fear and lack of trust. And I'd probably be afraid to deal with the issue, too.

Obviously, I don't know what you're feeling underneath hating your H's job - but keep digging, because you can go through this anxiety and thrive.

Knowing posted 6/5/2013 17:36 PM

It might be time to speak to your WS about where his boundaries with other women are at. I've had several open and frank discussion with my fWH about his ogling of women in front of me, etc... He's starting to become aware of how lousy his boundaries are and where they need shoring up and I feel more secure knowing he's working on that.

RockyMtn posted 6/5/2013 19:47 PM

The job is a trigger. A massive, daily one. That's how it sounds to me. A trigger can be removed or it can be reduced/dealt with/etc. Triggering, I'm sure, can end R for some people, even triggers that aren't as ever present as a job.

I totally get the anxiety. But, see, the anxiety isn't going to go away. Say you D. There is going to be tons of anxiety with that. Anxiety about your kids when they aren't with you, anxiety about $$, anxiety about the effects of D on your children and so on. And if you meet someone else, as a victim of infidelity, you'll be anxious it'll happen again with a new partner. Sure, you'll get through that anxiety, but you can get through THIS anxiety, too. If you want. Its always a choice.

My WH is also in an industry with a ton of socialization, rampant As, and a sort of "look the other way" and/or gossipy type reaction to shenanigans and drama. It may not be the safest place for any married person. But if my WH can learn to be safe, learn boundaries...I actually think he's LESS likely to do it (again) than someone who sees all this stuff as innocent - he's more aware of his industry's pitfalls, he's more aware of 'gray areas' with co-workers, he's cognizant of what innocent flirting means now, he's disgusted by the drama and romance that swirls around and the total lack of professionalism. I don't know if that helps at all. Some days I feel just like you. But I don't think the job is the issues - I think HE is the issue.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 7:52 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

Dare2Trust posted 6/5/2013 22:07 PM

I agree with doesitgetbetter:

I had to come to terms with the fact that my H is the problem, not the female species. I should be able to trust my H to work anywhere, and if I can't, then we shouldn't be married

I'd suggest - you continue working with your therapist; and take divorce off the table for the time being. Your D-Day was a year ago; and I found: Year #2 of reconciliation brought it's own "new" type issues to deal with. Perhaps other posters can verify/clarify that the 2nd year of Reconciliation can be very stressful, too.


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