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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: 4 years later and still bitter and angry
♀ 39447
Member # 39447
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I'm new here so bare with me. I've been with my husband for nearly 5 years now and married for 2. I met my husband in November 2008 and he wasn't really interested if anything he was a bit of a jack the lad.

Roll on a month later and I found out I was pregnant so I text him and told him and he then wanted to make a go of things so we begun our relationship. However I still could tell he wasn't serious and would eye up women, put me down and generally not be very nice. In April 2009 we split for a week and in this time he met with his ex girlfriend before me and slept with her. We got back together a week later and I was none the wiser of the ex he had slept with, anyway he started saying how he wanted to go to the gym so I said that was fine, turns out he was shagging my best friend! He came back one night very late at 11pm from "the gym" and had stains on his trousers, I was hysterical and rung my best friend who proceeded to tell me that she thought I was nuts but would come round and check, she came round and I showed her the trousers and she mentioned how the gym doesn't stay open until 11pm so when I confronted my husband he said he had been pleasuring himself and like a fool I believed it. My suspicions grew that he was being unfaithful as he was out clubbing every week and would come back way past closing time, I later found out it was because he was having sex with my friend in the field near her house. Me and my husband even went round for a BBQ to my friends house and the whole time they were texting each other saying how it was fun texting and not getting caught. All the while I would cry down the phone to my friend about how he was cheating but I didn't know who with and how gutted I was being 7 months pregnant and knowing he was up to something, anyway it lasted around 6 weeks between them it begun in may and ended July 10th 2009 a day after we split up and 6 weeks before I was due to give birth. It turns out my friend had got quite attached to my husband and told him she loved him as he did her and he also had the audacity to ask her to give things a go when we split but she said no so he then got back with the ex girlfriend who turns out had conceived during their brief encounter.

I didn't know that any of this was going on until 2 weeks after my friend and hubby stopped the affair and the day after they stopped which would be 11th July my friend rung me crying down the phone telling me she was pregnant and was miscarrying the baby was in fact my husbands but I didn't know it at the time!

I found out the affair was going on through an anonymous message on Facebook saying about my friend sleeping with my husband and how even her own husband knew.

Both my friend and hubby denied it and it was only when a friend of my friend told me that they finally confessed. Not once did my friend show remorse all I got was that it just happened and my husband says it was just a bit of fun.

When I was 3 weeks away from giving birth I then found out that my husbands ex was 3 months pregnant and all the time he had been texting me saying he was sorry and how he wanted to give it another go. I told him that there was no way I'd e willing to accept another child which had been conceived from him cheating and told him I wanted nothing to do with him. He then decided to tell his ex that he didn't want the baby and he wanted to be back with me so his ex aborted their baby at 16 weeks pregnant. My husband didn't show no emotion over it.

The reason I'm now posting is because although we have patched things up I'm still very bitter. The issue of sex is a big one, I resent the fact that he could stay up til the early hours to have sex with her and make the effort to see her twice a week for sex yet now we barely have it once a week and when we do have sex there's no effort. I feel like I deserve for him to make the effort after all he put me through. What's worse is I'm fine normally but this flare up has been caused by seeing my friend yesterday out in the street and I was with my husband, I felt humiliated and all the old feelings have arisen and made me angry about how our sex life is virtually non existent yet he could make the effort for her all those years ago. I have told my husband in rage that if he doesn't show the effort when it comes to sex then I will go and find it elsewhere just like he did, I want to hurt him like he has hurt me. I probably sound silly writing all this but 4 years have passed since it happened and anytime I see the friend the anger builds again at how he could do that to me. Is there really a way of overcoming it?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United kingdom
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Angrymum,

You will find this place full of wonderful people that will be able to help you. Unfortunately for you it sounds like your relationship started off on shakey ground. It also sounds like your H is not remorseful for what he has done in one tiny bit, and that is why you are bitter.

Honey, Staying together, and not resolving the issue, and it sounds like you both were allowed to rugsweep the whole thing. This does nothing to allow you to heal, and give your relationship a real foundation to build from.

He needs to own what he did, he doesn't want sex from you, because he is broken, and probably has some issues with intimacy.
Why do you feel the need to stay? Did you go through MC/IC at all when this went down? He should be nothing but supportive of you when this happens, seeing the ow. YOU should NOT feel shame, your H, and the OW on the other hand should.

You need to look into the healing library, and figure out what you want. Do you want to stay in this broken relationship? Are you staying because he is the dad of your child? If you do, you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate, and what you need him to do to heal from this.
If he is unwilling to do these things, then you should consider D or S. No one, and I mean NO ONE deserves to be treated as a second choice. Demand more of him.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13087 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 39447
Member # 39447
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is we do get on well as a couple otherwise it is just the fact that I am resentful for what he did. We went counselling and all I wanted to know was why he did it yet all the answer was us it was fun. Fun ffs when I'm pregnant with his son, what's even more interesting is he did it with his first wife when she was pregnant too and then once he was found out he completely changed and was a different man just like he is now with me. The only rules I have is he isn't allowed female friends on fb or anything like that. Unfortunately the trust aspect is hard to get back. I am starting to feel like I'm actually disgusting because he won't have sex with me but what is even worse is this woman isn't much to look at but she has confidence something that I lack. I've been tempted to pretend to be her on fb to see if he would reply. He's been honest with me since but the urge to hurt him the same way is still there and I get very jealous if we go to the pub. In fact he doesn't go out much now and even when he does go to the pub he's back early. He's not a total bastard (excuse my language) all the time, he is actually very kind at times and I do love him deep down but then there are times when I'm annoyed and that's when these feeling start. I also feel like I want a revenge affair just to show him how much it hurts as e doesn't truly understand the heartache he caused me.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United kingdom
Topic Posts: 3

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