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madeincanada posted 6/5/2013 09:01 AM

I am the WS, our D day was approx 7 months ago. We have done absolutely everything, IC,MC,books,books and books. Shared things we have read here.Shared things about ourselves we never had before. When we are both good it is wonderful , full of love and hope for the future. Between these periods of sunshine however my betrayed spouse has horrible episodes of sadness, anger and depression. Usually about 3-4 days apart, lasts 1-2 days usually. I do all the right things to suppport her and let her know I am there, I avoid allowing my emotions to escalate, as two of us emotional charged would be bad. I know this is normal and expected , I know time will eventually heal but my concern is the intensity of her anguish. She has shared her feelings when she is in "that place" and we are both scared and worried. She says her hatred for the AP is obssessive and she wants her dead. Yesterday she spent time researching suicide on the Internet. These episodes pass and we find ourselves back in each others arms , recovering, planning, working so hard.I'm not even sure if I have a question, I'm just worried. IC does not seem to be helping much though we both think the Therapist is great.(we are both going today). We've read literally dozens of books. Maybe a BS out there has experienced a similar path. I guess I'm looking for some encouragement, advice, positive stories, something for both of us. I love her and will forever bear the burden of my betrayal. I will not give up, I will be by herside through whatever it takes. I'm just worried Please reply as if you're speaking to both of us, I will share whatever words of wisdom come our way. thank you

sisoon posted 6/5/2013 10:08 AM

Your W sounds pretty normal to me.

The pain of being betrayed is tremendous, far greater than anyone can comprehend in advance and unless one knows the pain intimately. That's why SI's rule of thumb is 2-5 years to heal, assuming no new hurts.

What you ought to be thinking right now is, 'Boy, if I had understood the impact of cheating ahead of time, I never would have done it.' The good news is that you both seem to be doing what you need to do to heal. If you keep doing the work, life will gradually get calmer, and good feelings will replace the bad ones. The work is painful, especially at first, but it pays off very well.

IMO the 6-12 month period was extremely difficult. FYI, when I was at that stage, folks here posted a lot about a 'rage stage' setting in at about 6 months.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:09 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 6/5/2013 11:44 AM

Ditto what sisoon said. I hit the rage stage at 9 months out, and I told my H every day for months 12 through 24 that I wanted a divorce. The 2nd year is often harder as many have stated around here. So put on your big boy pants and get ready to continue to deal with it.

I have to say, one thing that really irritated me about your post was:

I know time will eventually heal

Dude, time will heal nothing! Time just puts a certain amount of space between an event and where you are today. It heals nothing. It's what you DO in that time that heals things. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things, so I'm not going to jump on you too much, but should probably take that thought process out of your bag because time won't make any of this go away.

(2x4 down now)

I also spent many days contemplating my own suicide after dropping my kids off at school while sitting in the garage with the door closed and the car running. Ya, I did that several times. So it's totally common, and a really good indicator of just how much she is hurting over this. It's incredibly difficult for someone who hasn't been cheated on by their spouse to understand just how much this hurts. The one person that promised to love you and cherish you and be faithful to you til death do you part turned around and stabbed you in the back and lied to you in the most intimate, scary places of your mind and heart. So ya, it's going to take her a long time to work through this.

She can only get out of IC what she puts into it. Maybe she's not telling the IC that she's had suicidal thoughts? Maybe she's not explored her self worth independent of you with the IC? I'm not sure. H and I went through Retrouvaille at 8 months out, that helped us a lot with our communication and me being able to convey my feelings to him, maybe that will help as well?

HeartInADustpan posted 6/5/2013 12:15 PM

BTDT. I had the "horrible episodes of sadness, anger and depression" and they'd last just as long.

Yes, I hated the APs and wanted to cut their hearts out with a spoon.

Yes, there were times when suicide seemed better than the pain. I remember checking to see if I could OD on Xanex to the point of death. Very scary.

Yes, I couldn't take care of myself let alone my DS. I swear he ate cookies for dinner more than one night during that time.

But WH stood by me and watched me carefully. He saw it. He saw me broken and shattered. He saw the woman he M was no longer there. We always ended up back in each others arms, though, trying to figure out our next move.


Not so depressed. I look back at some of the feelings I had (almost 7 months ago for us too) and wonder what the hell I was thinking?!? Bad news, all that hurt, sadness, depression and pain has been transformed into anger. No, not just any "some dude cut me off on the interstate" anger. Rage anger. Rage I've never felt before.

R hurts. R isn't easy. R is your soul being drawn and quartered. You both need to press on even when it seems you can't.

For her, one little thing everyday helped me at the hardest times. Even if that one little thing was getting out of bed and taking a shower (yes, I was that bad).

For you, patience, understanding and "owning your shit." Be there. Even when it's scary for you. Take ques from your BS. There were so many times all I wanted to hear was "I'm sorry I did this to us." I don't think that could have been said enough. Back it up with actions, though, if you are move forward.

Hang in there.

sodamnlost posted 6/5/2013 15:21 PM

my concern is the intensity of her anguish. She has shared her feelings when she is in "that place" and we are both scared and worried.

You will *NEVER* comprehend the anguish she feels. It is unimaginable. I have been through *SO* much crap in my life, I could write several novels. NOTHING comes close to the pain of being betrayed. NOTHING.

lovehurtstomuch posted 6/5/2013 22:30 PM

Im going through the same feelings right now. Wish AP would get fired or that her new husband would cheat on her. I want her to be as miserable as I am for what she and WS have done to my family.
The suicide thoughts come from realizing were not that special person to you anymore. That you wanted to be with and touch someone else. What happen to being soul mates or one true love? If your going to be with other women whats the point of us being here??
Then the anger comes in and we dont understand why it happened, why didn't it feel wrong? Why did you keep doing it? It goes on and on. Its hard to stop these feelings.
You have to put yourself in her place, how would you feel if she was the one having passionate sex and spending time with another man???

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