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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: would you let your WS go ?
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fire dept has this charitable event that me any WW have been participating in for years . Last year I could not attend and I found out that my WW took the om to this event . This year the event is upon us and my WW wants to go . I told her " since you took the om last year I have a lot of anxiety about you going this year . Her response " don't worry I won't take anyone with me this year or I can take a girl friend or maybe are adult son " . Right now she is only trying to find away to go instead of dealing with how I feel about her going . A big step backward in our R process


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can't go she can't go IMO.

This is a big trigger and dealing with that is much more important than going to some event.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2043 | Registered: Sep 2011
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now she is only trying to find away to go instead of dealing with how I feel about her going

So this event takes priority over your marriage and healing? It's not whether or not I would "let" her go - she's a big girl and can do what she wants. You've communicated pretty well and reasonably based on what you wrote on why she shouldn't go. It's up to her to show you that your M is now the priority in her life. What will you do if she goes against your wishes?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4092 | Registered: Dec 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have big, big issues if this was my WS wanting to go to this event. What a trigger for you, Itsgoingtobeok. I feel her attitude is selfish and she isn't thinking about you.

As far as "letting", I am not my WS's parent. He can (and obviously does) what he wants to do. However, I let him know how I feel about him going to something (he wanted to go to the memorial service of an OW's father, as he was very good friends with the OW's brothers, too) and I let him know that I wasn't happy about it and why.

He pouted at first and didn't go, but than later he told me he was angry at himself because he knows he is the one that has caused this discomfort in me of when he goes to particular places or does particular things. He was angry because he fucked up his good thing. I never, ever felt qualms about him going anywhere or doing anything. I trusted him blindly (and stupidly). And, now I don't and won't, at least for anytime in the near foreseeable future.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:59 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
stillcrying4ever
♀ 38310
Member # 38310
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found it hard to go places that I know they were at together. I need to know what they did there, how long they were there, etc. Some places I am not ready to go with him yet. I just think about what they were doing when they were there together.
Can you go with her? Are you ready for that or would it be alright for her to take your son?
I'm just trying to trust again. In R I have to get to that place. It's just so hard.


D Day May 27, 2012



Posts: 186 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
toomanyregrets
♂ 37740
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she has to go then maybe it's time to consider other options.
Your well being and feelings are not very high on her list.
Maybe a talk with a lawyer is in order.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 494 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
HeartInADustpan
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can't go she can't go IMO.

X2. I see it as a total disregard for your feelings. If my WH even thought to suggest something like that, I'd go ballistic.

You can't make her stay and you shouldn't have to parent her like SisterMilkshake pointed out, but I would find it very insensitive and remorseless.


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Hunter23
♀ 37574
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last year I could not attend and I found out that my WW took the om to this event .

So you tell her the idea of going is giving you a lot of anxiety, and she thinks the best way to fix it is to STILL GO, just to bring someone else? That sounds pretty selfish. I know you can't expect people to think a certain way, but if you're trying to R, shouldn't she be thinking of ways to make you trust her again and feel comfortable?

Obviously as others said, you aren't a parent and can't tell her she can't go. My thing is, she should have figured out on her own that it would hurt you.


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
Itsgoingtobeok
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input - still crying you mentioned having my son attend . Yes he could go but my WW and I both know he would cut out really early . I'm sure this is why WW mentioned bringing our son.As far as me attend I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman .Sister and Heart you make good points about not bringing her parent and it is a selfish act . I've stated the 180 processes and I will just intensify it if she decides to go


BS-(52)
WS-49
married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were my W, she'd be free to go. I just don't know if I'd continue R if she did go. I might go so far as changing the locks while she was at the event - I'd certainly consider locking her out.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
alphakitte
♀ 33438
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

. . . I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman .

Gently It'sGTBOK - if she is doing this then she isn't in reconciliation mode.

Have you expressed to her that this is inappropriate behavior and evidence that she chooses not to establish boundaries to make you feel safe?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
toby
♂ 10337
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as me attend I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman
Wait...What?

Posts: 1559 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Hunter23
♀ 37574
Member # 37574
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she flirt with the firemen every year for this event? Is that part of her great need for her to be there? That doesn't sound good at all...

How flirty does she get?

My WH is a flirt - on a very low scale. More of a winker, which used to bother me a little, until this happened. (a little funny story to lighten the mood here.)

My sister went out on a first date with this guy, and I invited over my apartment after since we were having a party (at the time my WH, my best friend and I all lived together). I told her she could bring the guy - we were just hanging out and having some drinks. So...she "warns" the guy that my BF is gay, (checking for a homophobic vibe) and he says no problem.

Long story short, the guy says to her "the gay guy with the glasses was pretty cool, but I think he was hitting on me". Turns out he was referring to my WH, who would wink whenever he offered to get him a beer...

[This message edited by Hunter23 at 12:01 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, 38
Him:WH, 40
DDay: Nov 3, 2012
Hoping to recover...

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK,reading between the lines, is her AP a fireman? That would be a monster trigger for me.

In our sitch, different industry but AP and wife worked together for a couple of years after the A ended. Every time she went to work it was hard for me, but the company social events were the worst. Drinking, mingling, etc.

Like Sister said, we're not our FWW's parent and we don't "Let" them do anything, but we can certainly communicate our discomfort and make our own choices based on theirs.

In our case, I went to few events (and was miserable), she skipped the ones I didn't go to. We're still together, but it was a "close run thing".


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW has been cold an unremorseful since dday,and angry that you won't rugsweep.

In your position,no,I wouldn't want her to go. It doesn't sound like she cares if you want her to go or not.

The fact that you mentioned she flirts with all the firemen is worrisome. A WW who thinks flirting is ok is not R material.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not tell my H what he can or can't do...I am not his mother and I want him to initiate "what's right"

With that said, we are 5.5 years from dday and R'd. To this day he does not ask, suggest or mention a place he would want to go that would hurt me.

If he did I would know his mind was on himself, not my healing. It wouldn't be ok with me and would have probably made me reconsider R.

She doesn't get it..

Very selfish IMO

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:11 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Itsgoingtobeok)))

Just want to offer you some hugs and just reiterate that I too think your WW should not go. You have made it clear that it doesn't matter if her and the pope were going together, YOU are uncomfortable with it and that's all that matters.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:04 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Card
♂ 23667
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is cruel to ask my BS to go anywhere I took the OW. Cruel!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman

Um, excuse me? How exactly is this conducive to R?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2043 | Registered: Sep 2011
Dare2Trust
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsgoingtobeok,

Personally:
I'm offended on your behalf that your WW would even dare to mention attending this event - after her behavior last year: Taking OM to this event.

But this:

As far as me attend I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman .

What exactly has your WW learned about what is and IS NOT acceptable behavior from a wife?

What exactly is your WW doing to help reconcile your marriage - if you don't mind me asking?

I'm really sorry you're going through this; and I do agree this is a BIG STEP BACKWARD in your R process!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6188 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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