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would you let your WS go ?

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Itsgoingtobeok posted 6/5/2013 10:51 AM

The fire dept has this charitable event that me any WW have been participating in for years . Last year I could not attend and I found out that my WW took the om to this event . This year the event is upon us and my WW wants to go . I told her " since you took the om last year I have a lot of anxiety about you going this year . Her response " don't worry I won't take anyone with me this year or I can take a girl friend or maybe are adult son " . Right now she is only trying to find away to go instead of dealing with how I feel about her going . A big step backward in our R process

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/5/2013 10:55 AM

If you can't go she can't go IMO.

This is a big trigger and dealing with that is much more important than going to some event.

Tred posted 6/5/2013 10:57 AM

Right now she is only trying to find away to go instead of dealing with how I feel about her going

So this event takes priority over your marriage and healing? It's not whether or not I would "let" her go - she's a big girl and can do what she wants. You've communicated pretty well and reasonably based on what you wrote on why she shouldn't go. It's up to her to show you that your M is now the priority in her life. What will you do if she goes against your wishes?

SisterMilkshake posted 6/5/2013 10:58 AM

I would have big, big issues if this was my WS wanting to go to this event. What a trigger for you, Itsgoingtobeok. I feel her attitude is selfish and she isn't thinking about you.

As far as "letting", I am not my WS's parent. He can (and obviously does) what he wants to do. However, I let him know how I feel about him going to something (he wanted to go to the memorial service of an OW's father, as he was very good friends with the OW's brothers, too) and I let him know that I wasn't happy about it and why.

He pouted at first and didn't go, but than later he told me he was angry at himself because he knows he is the one that has caused this discomfort in me of when he goes to particular places or does particular things. He was angry because he fucked up his good thing. I never, ever felt qualms about him going anywhere or doing anything. I trusted him blindly (and stupidly). And, now I don't and won't, at least for anytime in the near foreseeable future.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:59 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

stillcrying4ever posted 6/5/2013 11:00 AM

I have found it hard to go places that I know they were at together. I need to know what they did there, how long they were there, etc. Some places I am not ready to go with him yet. I just think about what they were doing when they were there together.
Can you go with her? Are you ready for that or would it be alright for her to take your son?
I'm just trying to trust again. In R I have to get to that place. It's just so hard.

toomanyregrets posted 6/5/2013 11:03 AM

If she has to go then maybe it's time to consider other options.
Your well being and feelings are not very high on her list.
Maybe a talk with a lawyer is in order.

HeartInADustpan posted 6/5/2013 11:06 AM

If you can't go she can't go IMO.

X2. I see it as a total disregard for your feelings. If my WH even thought to suggest something like that, I'd go ballistic.

You can't make her stay and you shouldn't have to parent her like SisterMilkshake pointed out, but I would find it very insensitive and remorseless.

Hunter23 posted 6/5/2013 11:27 AM

Last year I could not attend and I found out that my WW took the om to this event .

So you tell her the idea of going is giving you a lot of anxiety, and she thinks the best way to fix it is to STILL GO, just to bring someone else? That sounds pretty selfish. I know you can't expect people to think a certain way, but if you're trying to R, shouldn't she be thinking of ways to make you trust her again and feel comfortable?

Obviously as others said, you aren't a parent and can't tell her she can't go. My thing is, she should have figured out on her own that it would hurt you.

Itsgoingtobeok posted 6/5/2013 11:30 AM

Thanks for the input - still crying you mentioned having my son attend . Yes he could go but my WW and I both know he would cut out really early . I'm sure this is why WW mentioned bringing our son.As far as me attend I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman .Sister and Heart you make good points about not bringing her parent and it is a selfish act . I've stated the 180 processes and I will just intensify it if she decides to go

sisoon posted 6/5/2013 11:36 AM

If it were my W, she'd be free to go. I just don't know if I'd continue R if she did go. I might go so far as changing the locks while she was at the event - I'd certainly consider locking her out.

alphakitte posted 6/5/2013 11:37 AM

. . . I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman .

Gently It'sGTBOK - if she is doing this then she isn't in reconciliation mode.

Have you expressed to her that this is inappropriate behavior and evidence that she chooses not to establish boundaries to make you feel safe?

toby posted 6/5/2013 11:39 AM

As far as me attend I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman

Hunter23 posted 6/5/2013 12:00 PM

Does she flirt with the firemen every year for this event? Is that part of her great need for her to be there? That doesn't sound good at all...

How flirty does she get?

My WH is a flirt - on a very low scale. More of a winker, which used to bother me a little, until this happened. (a little funny story to lighten the mood here.)

My sister went out on a first date with this guy, and I invited over my apartment after since we were having a party (at the time my WH, my best friend and I all lived together). I told her she could bring the guy - we were just hanging out and having some drinks. So...she "warns" the guy that my BF is gay, (checking for a homophobic vibe) and he says no problem.

Long story short, the guy says to her "the gay guy with the glasses was pretty cool, but I think he was hitting on me". Turns out he was referring to my WH, who would wink whenever he offered to get him a beer...

[This message edited by Hunter23 at 12:01 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

MoreWould posted 6/5/2013 12:08 PM

OK,reading between the lines, is her AP a fireman? That would be a monster trigger for me.

In our sitch, different industry but AP and wife worked together for a couple of years after the A ended. Every time she went to work it was hard for me, but the company social events were the worst. Drinking, mingling, etc.

Like Sister said, we're not our FWW's parent and we don't "Let" them do anything, but we can certainly communicate our discomfort and make our own choices based on theirs.

In our case, I went to few events (and was miserable), she skipped the ones I didn't go to. We're still together, but it was a "close run thing".

confused615 posted 6/5/2013 12:09 PM

Your WW has been cold an unremorseful since dday,and angry that you won't rugsweep.

In your position,no,I wouldn't want her to go. It doesn't sound like she cares if you want her to go or not.

The fact that you mentioned she flirts with all the firemen is worrisome. A WW who thinks flirting is ok is not R material.

karmahappens posted 6/5/2013 12:10 PM

I do not tell my H what he can or can't do...I am not his mother and I want him to initiate "what's right"

With that said, we are 5.5 years from dday and R'd. To this day he does not ask, suggest or mention a place he would want to go that would hurt me.

If he did I would know his mind was on himself, not my healing. It wouldn't be ok with me and would have probably made me reconsider R.

She doesn't get it..

Very selfish IMO

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:11 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/5/2013 14:03 PM


Just want to offer you some hugs and just reiterate that I too think your WW should not go. You have made it clear that it doesn't matter if her and the pope were going together, YOU are uncomfortable with it and that's all that matters.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:04 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]

Card posted 6/5/2013 14:59 PM

It is cruel to ask my BS to go anywhere I took the OW. Cruel!

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 6/5/2013 15:03 PM

I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman

Um, excuse me? How exactly is this conducive to R?

Dare2Trust posted 6/6/2013 00:06 AM


I'm offended on your behalf that your WW would even dare to mention attending this event - after her behavior last year: Taking OM to this event.

But this:

As far as me attend I do have the time this year but I'm not ready to see my WW flirt with all the fireman .

What exactly has your WW learned about what is and IS NOT acceptable behavior from a wife?

What exactly is your WW doing to help reconcile your marriage - if you don't mind me asking?

I'm really sorry you're going through this; and I do agree this is a BIG STEP BACKWARD in your R process!

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