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jackie89 posted 6/5/2013 11:54 AM

Well met with lawyer, as I wanted to proceed with divorce (I had filed in 8/11) but STBXH never even went to see a lawyer or responded, as we were in Limbo, False R, etc.

She advised me to do nothing, stay as is, ride it out for as long as I can - wait for him to do something.

Reasons; I have two kids, one turned 18, other 14, STBXH - no longer responsible for 18 year old - and just child support for 14 year, minus - health insurance that I would have to get on my own, it wouldn't make sense financially to get divorced.
Yes, I could go for alimony, but that is not a guarantee, it is based on NEED, and even then he may not agree to amount!

It was just a let down, I feel stuck, I know I don't want to be married to him any longer, but why be stupid financially just because I want to be free of him? Why push it?

I don't have anyone else in my life, nor am I looking, but I always thought that I would feel "available, single" once I would be divorced - not feel like I would be cheating, if someone ever happened to come along!!!

This whole thing just sucks!

Nature_Girl posted 6/5/2013 11:57 AM

Don't discount the value of living an authentic life. Not living a lie. Refusing to put up a charade for the sake of, what, exactly?

nowiknow23 posted 6/5/2013 12:09 PM

minus - health insurance that I would have to get on my own
You can ask for that, you know.

I'm not pushing you to move forward, but I'm suggesting you challenge some of those obstacles and look for solutions. Stuck is a hell of a place to live.


jackie89 posted 6/5/2013 12:22 PM

@ Nik - from what I understand, once divorce is final - which would only take 4-6 weeks if he were to agree to everything else, STBXH, can no longer carry me on his Employer Healthplan, by law !!

nowiknow23 posted 6/5/2013 14:59 PM

Right, but you can ask for him to pay your insurance premium.

clralb posted 6/5/2013 15:10 PM

I was technically still married for three years, even though we lived separate lives and had no contact. I was able to receive the benefit of his health insurance. Ex-asshole didn't even file. I eventually filed myself when I had health insurance.

It's hard, I know, but after a while it got easier.

I would take the lawyer's advice.

Ashland13 posted 6/5/2013 17:22 PM

Hi Jackie,

I lived in limbo for a year, but called it "purgatory".

One thing that helped DD and I was to get on the state insurance and it was one way to free ourselves of STBXH.

I think many or most states have it now and it's really basic coverage, but makes things like prescriptions really inexpensive. I don't know how long we have on it and have to find out, but it was very freeing.

I am fighting to get it in the papers that he will pay for the expense that are unpaid, where he is trying to stick me with half the financial responsibility, and I am unemployed SAHM for ten years and pregnant! What would I pay with?

So anyway, I just wanted to chime in and say that I agreed, it seems like you ought to have more rights than that lawyer gave info. for.

I "interviewed" several and one told me how awful my balance sheet would look!? I told her, "I know! It had been planned to share that balance sheet for our whole lives!-at least by me!

One way for me to feel better, after a while, was to make phone calls and visits to social service agencies. I have a lot of pride to swallow, but find it freeing and a bit of pride when I can solve a money problem and not include that man (who is unemployed anyway).

I finally found someone to borrow money from and also swallowed that pride, but I was able to be the one to file first and be "Plaintiff", which means a whole lot (for some reason). It means some things like respect and self-respect and other things like that I hope to regain for myself some day.

Yes, I too see men go by and
am finally realizing that other ones exist and now finally feel like I could pursue one if one ever took a second glance (with my physical condition they don't usually, lol).

I wish you luck and I wish you well. I'm glad that you are strong in mind, though and have no blinders or anything.

Yes, Perv claimed he never went to a lawyer until I did and some of that is the passive aggressive part. I think also he was thinking I would have more money to spend then him, but in eternity, it will be him with sooo much more to spend and then lose.

jackie89 posted 6/5/2013 20:16 PM

Thank you for all replies!

I'm going to take my lawyers advice .....for now! She has a great reputation in the city! @300.00 an hour she should!!!

My DS is going away away to college, and he has said he'll help with whatever, so that's another good reason to lay low for DS sake.

But I do totally that there are other options, I can have health insurance through my employer, but it is soo expensive! I looked into private insurance, so when I have to.. I guess I will do it!

Yes, Nik good advice, didn't know I could ask for $$$ for Ins.

You are right Ashland, it will be living in purgatory!

I tend to be a positive person and I know that there's always people that have it much worst thsn me, I am healthy, I have good job, moved to a nice apartment, my kids are pretty great, so things could be worst, if only my heart would only mend and Move the hell on from this crap...I Would be good! But then I wouldn't need the good advice from the great people of SI!!

bigpicture3236 posted 6/5/2013 20:31 PM

I am self employed and was on XH's insurance. I was told by my atty that he would have to pay for my health care for 3 years. Cut to us writing up our settlement offers and nothing is mentioned of healthcare. I ask my atty and she now informs me that you 'only get that if you go to trial'. WTH?
Your WH's employer will be required to file papers for you with COBRA. You are able to use that for 3 years post divorce. But, it is expensive so certainly try to get your WH to cover some if not all of that expense.
Only you can decide what you want to do. But, if it comes down to finances, being divorced is a lot more expensive for some of us than others. Perhaps, if you can manage, schedule an appt with a divorce financial planner to get a realistic view of what your financial future holds.
Good luck.

jackie89 posted 6/6/2013 08:32 AM

Thank You BigPicture, didn't even know there were Divorce Financial Planners!

I will look into that too. I think being informed and knowing all our options is the best offense.

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